In one moment, everything changed. I'm apparently the leader of my people, or at least of us four and Nasedo. And now, we have to find out about a race of evil aliens who have come to Earth, and then return to our home planet and free it from slavery. And my mother is a shapeshifter like Nasedo, her real form isn't human at all, and I've never known her before in my life. I want to feel something for her, a connection, an understanding. But I don't know if I can do that.

And I'm destined to marry Tess, a girl for whom I have no feelings whatsoever.

This isn't really happening.

When we used the orbs, I felt my whole world collapse around me. God, I need some time to think. I'm not like Michael, I can't just react to things, I want to know what I'm doing before I do it. I need time to just watch, and wait for the answers to become clear. But, with Liz standing there, looking at me, I didn't have time to think. I knew she was in so much pain and, for once, I couldn't do anything about it. So, the words I said rang hollow, because I couldn't back them up with anything.

She needed to get back to her life, her family. I need to get back to mine. But which family is mine? Which world do I choose? This is what I need time to figure out.

I need time to think.

This isn't really happening.

***

It has been six weeks, and the four of us have found a semblance of calm, a purpose and direction. We know what is coming now. We know the orbs sent a signal that went all over the world; Nasedo told us, the special unit tracked it and has been following it outwards, thinking it's more of us they are going to find. But there are no more of us.

There's just me, Michael, Isabel, and Tess. We are alone in the world, the only aliens with human bodies, human souls. What does that make us?

When Michael reluctantly shared with us the news that our powers are purely human, just evolved, I choked on my laughter, and the others looked at me strangely. I guess I hardly ever laugh. But it struck me as funny that it really bothers Michael that he is human. I think he believed that when he finally found out what was going on, he would suddenly be something different, he would be a real alien, everything would change, his life would finally make sense, he would feel better.

None of these things has happened. He is still lost. He paces the cave like a caged cat, I can't get more than a grunt out of him most of the time. But he's thinking more clearly than he ever has before, and his insights and strategies into our plans have been invaluable. He's an amazing second in command. And he and Isabel are growing closer every day. He has forgotten Maria. At least for now, while he feels he has a purpose.

Tess. I catch her looking at me sometimes, her expression opaque, and I feel a small twinge of something. Sadness? Fear? I don't know. I do know that she created the fantasies I was having about her; Isabel told me. The scene in chemistry class was particularly insidious, I have to give her credit for that. If I'd had time to think about it afterwards, I would have figured out that the fantasy had to be coming from somewhere else. At the time it was incredibly upsetting because I thought it was coming from me, and I had no feelings to go along with it. That really scared me.

I just laughed out loud again, because I realized that Michael is scared when he has feelings, and I am scared when I don't. The others are looking at me strangely, and this time there is fear in their eyes. They look away quickly. I know I have changed.

I feel like I've been turned inside out, and the air actually hurts as it moves lightly over my skin.

Now that I know the fantasy was coming from Tess, I can say that it was amazing to be a spectator to my own lust. My real fantasies had never looked like that. My real fantasies were always about Liz, even before I knew what my body could do, or what she would feel like in my arms. I fantasized about being with Liz, talking with her, holding her hand, telling her what I was, or at least, what little I knew. My fantasy was that Liz wouldn't turn away from me even when I told her that I didn't know where I came from, or why I was here, and that I had powers I didn't understand and that scared me. My fantasies were about Liz looking at me with acceptance and trust in her beautiful brown eyes. Only after we kissed that first time did I start having fantasies about Liz's mouth, her skin, her body against mine, her eyes two pools of warmth I could sink into.

I think Tess believes that I will come around now that Liz is gone. I think she feels that I am responsible, and that loving her is just another responsibility for me to assume. Maybe she's right. Strangely, I do feel a responsibility to do what I'm apparently supposed to do, even if it means being with Tess.

But without Liz, the responsibilities don't really mean much. That scares me more than Tess' gaze. I think I can be a leader for the four of us, not because I care the most, but because I care less. I make decisions without fear of my own death, because in a way, I died watching Liz walk away from me. I died watching her raise her hand to her head in pain, watching her break into a run because if she didn't run, she would collapse. After that day my world became flat, dull, muted. Now, there is a pause before I respond to anyone talking to me. The pauses are getting longer.

I think I will die before too long, I can feel it. I feel like I just need to get this work done, and then I can rest.

The problem is, I have no idea when this is going to end, or if it's ever going to end. I can tell that Michael and Isabel feel comfortable being a part of a race from another planet, that they want to go to that planet and call it home. They don't seem to have a problem with the fact that they are biologically human, that they will never look like, or feel like, the race of aliens we are risking our lives for. I hope they don't regret it when they get there.

I'm different, I know that now. I don't know why, I don't know when it happened, but home, for me, is Liz. I know that without her I can't really care about anything else enough to live for it. I guess it's like this: I know what the sun feels like, and now that it's gone, I will fade. Slowly, very slowly, I will fade.

***

It has been six months. We have learned so much about ourselves, our home planet, the history that has been evolving without us for fifty years. We have fought members of the alien race that enslaved ours, and killed many of them. Michael isn't the only killer among us; Isabel is quite fierce when cornered, or when Michael is threatened, she fights to save those she loves. Tess kills easily, without emotion or remorse, like Nasedo. He is who she lived with all those years after all, he is the one who raised her, taught her. She has the least trouble with killing. I envy her that.

I kill now, too, and in a way, I even like it. I don't ask the question that Michael asked the first time he killed. I don't care what it makes me. All I know is that when I kill, it feels, for just a moment, like a benediction, an offering of justice to avenge my own death, the death I experience every morning when I wake up, and realize where I am, and that she isn't with me.

I'm getting so tired. I don't sleep much anymore.

What keeps me awake at night is this - I know now why she left. She left because she loved me so much that my life came before hers. She loved me enough to see that my destiny was coming between us and neither of us could stop it. She loved me enough to see that, to give me any chance to survive, she would have to leave me. I think she may have even known that I wouldn't have been able to lead as well with her there, because I would be afraid for her above all others. I love her for her integrity, her strength, the courage it took for her to see the truth even when I tried to deny it. She is far stronger than I am. I hope that means that she will live, and feel joy again, and not that she will just take longer than I will to die.

I saw her once from a distance, a few months ago. She was closing the Crashdown, sweeping the floor, turning the chairs up onto the tables, the warm glow of the few lights that were on gleaming in her hair. I ached to touch her again. But hardest of all was seeing the grief in her, the physical toll it had taken on her body. She was, if possible, thinner than before, and her face was pale. She moved like a woman much older than her 17 years, like the swing of the broom in her arms brought her pain, like her bones were rubbing against each other without anything in between them, like every breath she took ached.

Or maybe I was just imagining that she was feeling how I feel all the time.

I was watching through binoculars. You can't see through binoculars with tears in your eyes. I can't risk it again.

***

I don't know how long it has been. We are leaving soon, or at least, the others are. I don't know if I will be going with them.

At night, while Michael and Isabel sleep in each others arms, and Tess looks at me pleadingly, and then goes to her own bed, I let myself think about her. My fantasies now are about leaving the others, letting them fend for themselves, turning away from my destiny, and going to the Crashdown at night.

I watch Liz through the window, and then I go to the door and unlock it from the outside, because no lock will ever keep us apart ever again. I walk inside, she sees me and stops sweeping, and I stand very, very still, like I'm watching a deer that's ready to turn and disappear into the woods, and I wait for her shock to subside. Every night I greedily drink in the sight of her slight form swaying in front of me, her eyes big and round and quickly filling with tears. She shakes her head and looks away, and I realize that she doesn't believe I'm really there. So I slowly, slowly cross the distance between us, stop before her, an arm's length away, afraid to get any closer, afraid that I will break into a thousand pieces if I touch her too soon. I keep my hands at my sides, fists clenched, and I say her name, my voice rough, raw, no more than a whisper. I say her name, and her eyes suddenly meet mine, and I actually see her shatter inside. I catch her as her knees give out, and I gather her gently into my arms and fit her body to mine and wrap myself around her and bury my face in her hair and say her name over and over and over again.

I wake up crying. Silently, of course, so the others won't hear me. I am almost nothing but silence these days.

I haven't told them this, but when I saw the vision of Liz that Pierce created, blood flowing down her face, her head falling limply to one side, I started screaming and couldn't stop.