My god, then I saw it. Maria saying to Max, 'Do it to me then.' Maria purposely charging into a jock, a 6'2" solid wall of muscle, and thinking, 'Do it, got to do it for Michael, got to do it for Michael. And the jarring impact and falling to the floor, hands covering her head, her leg tearing open, the intense pain, her head swimming from it. The blood, Jesus, so much fucking blood, smearing the floor, pooling on the seat of her car. Felt her feeling of weakness from the loss of blood. Then Max, running with Maria in his arms, saying "You little fool, oh my god. What did you do? Jesus, Maria, NO! Then Max healing her and her stopping him before the job was done, limping to the jeep.

Oh my god, what have I done to this the beautiful enchanting, erotic creature? I don't know how long I lay there panting before realizing that I was crushing her and rolling over, pulling her with me, and realizing I was sobbing again. The tears were once again washing down my face in a steady, hot stream. She was holding me tight, placing little soft kisses on my eyes, brow, nose and lips. She was murmuring, "Shhh, Michael, it's O.K., it's O.K. Shhh, I love you. I'm O.K. I'm O.K. I'm right here and you took my pain away."

"IT'S NOT O.K.!" I shouted through my tears. She inflicted pain on herself for me. Michael Guerin. And here she was comforting me! What the hell? I turned to look at her shining face.

"If you ever do anything like that again…promise me you won't or I'm not letting you out of my sight. I'll become a barnacle on your back side."

"Hmmm, that has possibilities."

"I'm serious, Maria. I MEAN IT!" I was shouting again. Deep breath. Calm down. "Don't ever hurt yourself again. Your pain is my pain, don't you understand that?! How could you do such a thing!"

"Michael, listen, it was no big deal."

"NO BIG DEAL?! Maria, you could have bled to death. I saw the blood, so much fucking blood, thank god you got to Max in time."

"Michael, shhh."

"Shhh, my ass, Maria." Then I completely lost it as the implications of this ordeal hit me. I screamed, "I CAN'T LOSE YOU, MARIA, I CAN'T. I LOVE YOU TOO MUCH!" I grabbed her and crushed her to me. The tears started again. I hadn't cried this much in my entire life combined as I had in the last month. How could love be so euphoric and hurt so bad all at the same time? She held me tightly, enduring my crushing grasp.

"Promise me."

Quietly in my ear, "I promise, Michael. I'll never hurt myself on purpose again. I'm sorry. I just love you so much. I'd do anything for you and I knew how important this was. It wasn't just a test of your powers, Michael. Healing. It's the one thing you needed to be able to do to convince yourself that you're not evil, that you are worthwhile, that you deserve to have good things and be loved. I want that for you Michael. All my talk has not convinced you. In spite of the fact that I told you I could not love a loser. I could not love a cold-blooded killer. I KNOW you. And I love you, warts and all and I want you to love yourself that way too. You have a choice now. You can use both those powers if needed. You can heal people Michael. Not just wounds like mine, but you have goodness and mercy and compassion in your soul. I see it, others will too if you let them. And if you won't, then you'll always have me anyway. I love you, Michael Guerin, the good, the bad and the ugly. All of you. No conditions, Michael. I love you for free."

Can my heart get any bigger? It feels like it's gonna bust out of my chest. No one has ever said I love you to me before, except her. And no one has ever had this kind of faith in me. For free, I love you for free. The words kept echoing in my head.

"Maria?"

"Yeah."

"Ditto."

Her laughter was like a balm as it rang off the walls. "There's my man of few words and understatement. I knew he'd come back soon!" She howled like dog at the moon and bust out laughing again. I couldn't wipe the grin off my face. My moods were swinging like an out of control pendulum.

":Maria, now I know why Liz saw visions kissing Max and we didn't."

"Why? I don't know why you saw all that just then."

"I was closed down. I couldn't let any of it out or in. I didn't trust. I was too scared. Too full of fear. Max and Liz were never shut down from one another. They've worn their hearts on their sleeve since Day One."

"Hmmm, and we didn't." It was a statement.

"No, not then."

"And now?"

"Now, I think…it's different."

"Different? What's different? We admitted we loved each other?"

"I…I don't just love you, Maria. I trust you." I looked at her. I knew that she knew how hard that was for me. And I see the love and trust shining back at me. "I want to give you something."

"What?"

"Me."

"Oh, Michael, you don't have to do that. I know we've come a long way, but I don't want you to feel obligated by this or any of it."

"Yes, I do have to do this. But I also want to do this." I rolled over and settled between her legs after discarding my sagging condom. I kissed her slowly, softly, nibbling on her lips until she sighed and opened her mouth. This was easy, relaxed, our passion spent for the moment. I closed my eyes and dug deep into my memories. And the flashes started. I projected them to her.

Watching Max and Isabel from the mouth of the cave. Standing on a rock staring at Max's hand extended to me. Scared, so scared, watching them walk away, following at a distance. Ten years old, fleas in the bed, scratching. Eleven years old, smelling the booze in the trailer and feeling nauseous. Twelve years old, cowering on the floor of the trailer from Hank, protecting my head with my arms as he beat me. Hatred. Rage. Seeing the cave at the reservation. Wonder, Fright. Recognition. Fourteen years old, staring at the sky, crying. Praying for deliverance from my life. Sorrow and loneliness. Bruise on my cheek. Pain. Anger. Max healing it in the Men's Room at school. Gratitude, Friendship. Liz helping me study. Unworthy. Science, Excitement. Want to know. Crave knowledge. Maria at her locker, laughing. Beautiful. Maria chattering nervously in the car. Aggravation. Maria lying to the cop. Stunned, was sure she would rat me out. The hotel, she smells so good. Gotta be something better than Roswell, New Mexico. Connection with her. NO! CAN'T. Scared. More to her than I thought. God, she's beautiful, sexy. Maria at the Crashdown, nervous and scared for her friend, Liz. Calm me down. Flash of tears. Want to protect her. So vulnerable. So sexy. Turned on. Can't go there. Can't help it. She'll hurt you. Smell of cedar oil. Comfort Maria. Kissing her for the first time. White holt bolt of desire. Crashdown last month, Maria's proud of me. Too much. Don't deserve her, any of them, especially her. MELTDOWN.

I don't know how long I went on kissing her softly, showing her my life in a series of snap shots, laying my soul bare. Would she still love me after all this, still love all of me? There were some really unlovable things about me. My scars, emotional ones.

Finally, I was exhausted and rolled over, cradling her to my side. She was crying.

"Don't cry, Maria!'

"I'll never betray you, Michael. I'll never abuse your trust. I promise."

"I know."

"I love you very much."

"Maria?"

"Huh?"