It never rains here.

How fitting.

Everything went according to plan. Just like I thought it would. Exactly the way I intended. Good. Now that it’s over I can get on with my life.

If only I could erase that picture from my head. His face. His eyes. Oh his eyes.

Did he suspect? Could he tell? I hope not. Did I let him touch me? No, no, I didn’t, though I remember he tried. He reached for me but I backed away. It was for the best. I knew if I let him touch me it would all be for nothing. The words, the reasoning, the logic, would all have been lost if he had touched me.

I could barely look at him. Looking at him was almost as hard as not touching him.

I made the right decision.

The sky got dark so quickly while we spoke. Did I do that? It was a good thing. It kept the conversation short. Any longer and I think I would have fallen apart. I would have looked into his eyes and that would have been the end of my plan.

I didn’t let him say anything. He tried a couple of times. I could sense him pleading with me silently, beckoning to me from within. He stood so close to me, radiating love, heat. It was almost too much for me. Another minute being that close to him and I would have caved.

But I didn’t. I stood my ground. I didn’t fall apart. I didn’t cave. I was stone.

I made the right decision.

I had an answer for every possible question. I certainly had enough time to sit and think about it. That’s what I did all summer. Sit. Think. Cry. It consumed me.

At night when it got really bad I would go down to the ocean, stand in the surf and plant my feet in the sand and let the waves tug my feet down deeper and deeper until I was immovable. The breeze caressed my skin, lightly, softly, the way he used to.

Then I would scream his name. Over and over, until my tears ran dry and I could no longer form his name on my lips.

I would look up at the stars and wonder which one was his. Which one would eventually take him from me forever? Then, when I thought I couldn’t cry anymore, the tears would come again.

My parents called me everyday while I was gone. I had to get away from everyone and everything associated with him, so I could think, breathe, sort things out in my head.

My parents were beginning to worry about me.

I was beginning to worry about me.

My sanity was slipping from my grasp. I couldn’t remember the last time I had thought about anything else.

I had stopped living.

My whole existence was about someone I could never have. A life I could never possess.

That’s when I made my decision.

In order to survive, I had to let go of the one person I held most dear, before he was torn from my grasp, before he could choose to walk away first. It was the only way for me to stay sane; to have a life again.

I knew he would resist it. He would argue with me in his gentle way, and urge me to reconsider, so I had to have an answer to all the possible arguments. I had to have a plan.

I spent days running the scene in my head, coming up with every possible angle, every unexpected turn, every emotional pitfall.

But most important, I knew I couldn’t let him touch me. I knew I couldn’t look into his eyes. I had to be stone, or it wasn’t going to work. He would see right through me. He would know that I couldn’t live without his love, that I would really rather go insane than to be without him. He would know the truth and it would kill me for him to know it.

This was for my own good. I kept telling myself that and I would continue to until I believed it.

And then I was ready.

I knew that he would see me in the café, or on the street, or even come to my balcony when he learned I was home. I would be ready for him.

And so it happened.

I was walking down the street outside the café, and he ran over to me.

Before he could speak, I began.

“Max, it’s good to see you. You look great.” My eyes never made their way to his, I could feel his shock at hearing my voice.

“I had a good summer. I did a lot of thinking Max, and I need to tell you what’s on my mind. Please don’t say anything; I need to say this.

The fact is that I love you, so I won’t even try to deny it, but one way or another, I know I’m going to lose you. So you see, my choice is not whether I love you, my choice is when do I lose you.

I choose now Max. I choose now because later will be too hard. Later will hurt too much.”

I could feel his silence weighing heavily on me like the quiet before a storm, so I rushed on. I had to get it all out before I fell apart, before I collapsed into his arms. My reserve was fading and my stone facade was beginning to crumble.

“Look, I know what you’re thinking; at least we have each other for a little while right? I can’t do it. It will take from me what little sanity I have left.

One day you will leave and fulfill your destiny, you will Max. And that is something I can’t be a part of. Even if I could go with you, even if I wanted to; you wouldn’t let me.”

I could see him shake his head, ‘no’, out of the corner of my eye.

“No, I know you. You would say it’s too dangerous and make me stay.

I have to say goodbye, Max, and I have to say it now.

I will always care for you. I will always be here when you need me, I promise. I just can’t live my life waiting to have my heart ripped out.

I have to go on, and I have to go on without you.

Goodbye Max.”

And then it began to rain.

I looked. I couldn’t help it.

When I saw his eyes, I knew it wasn’t the rain streaming down his face.

His face. Those eyes. That picture was forever ingrained in my memory.

And so I ran.

I ran until I reached my room and flung myself into this corner.

Everything went according to plan. Just like I thought it would. Exactly the way I intended. Now I can get on with my life.

I made the right decision.

I’ll just keep telling myself that until I believe it.