I used to say that I’d readily swim the seven seas for you

Now I can’t reach the shore

I used to say that only I held the key to your heart

Now I can’t find the door

Slowly fading like a painting on your wall

Yet as still as the sound of your laugh

Forever captured in my heart you remain

As still as a photograph

My shoes are now worn from walking too far

Still the farther I go

My hands are so tired from hiding the scars

I refuse to show

And though I know that it’s wrong

You’re still my concern

Like a thorn in my side

It’s hard to be strong when you’ve nowhere to turn

When you’ve nowhere to hide

And though the wound burns it’s mine to keep

To hold in my arms and to sing me to sleep

For it’s all that I have I now realize

The memory lives when reality dies

When reality dies…

-------------------------------------------------------------------o-------------------------------------------------------------

It has been 12 years since Liz made the ultimate sacrifice. When she closed her eyes and thrust away the love of her life so forcefully, believing in him and his destiny so completely as to surrender her own happiness. It wasn’t easy then, and it still haunts her to this day. She sits on her porch swing, the full moon casting a pale ghostly light on her slight form as she writes in her journal. A few meters away the sea sighs softly as the waves rush to the shore and seem to hesitate, before gently breaking into foam that shimmers in the dark. Shivering, Liz draws her blanket more firmly around her shoulders, as she pauses to read back on tonight’s entry.

September 17th, 2012

It seems like a lifetime ago that I was changed forever, on this very day just 12 years ago… I sometimes wonder now if it had all been a brief, wonderful dream… or perhaps it was all a stolen moment, a blink in eternity… a chance encounter when our souls briefly touched and danced.

I was a child then, and I reveled in the secrets and the thrill of first love as much as anything. Even the danger we were constantly in, our whole group, had its excitement and adventure. I think, if I am perfectly honest, that I relished even the heartache… the sweet pain of self-sacrifice, the consequent hurt to see him with Tess afterwards… and the final devastation of saying goodbye – to look into each other’s eyes, knowing it was the last time, and then turning and walking away. Him to his destiny, to his duty, to his birthright… and me to find some sense of sanity, to try and get the pieces of my life together again, by moving east to go to college…

Liz pauses and shakes her head.

I was a melodramatic fool. A silly girl full of romantic dreams.

Liz sighs, and with a rueful smile picks up a well-worn notebook… back from when, as she put it, ‘her life began’. She opens her high school journal and finds the poems she’s looking for. The first, written after they uncovered the Royal Four’s destiny in the cave; the second written after she had that fateful visit from the future. She reads and remembers with a wistful expression in her soulful eyes.

NOCTURNAL

I embrace the darkness, I can’t stand the light

I roam with my shadow in the still of the night

The night does not judge, she allows me my tears

I can take off my mask – let my true face appear

To the silence and the darkness I surrender my cross

Of the blankness of my stare, of the depth of my loss

Of the emptiness of these hands, of the lament of this soul

Of the sorrow that I hide, of my spirit bowed low

Of the hopes that were lost, of the dreams that were shattered

Of the faith that was stolen, and my love that was trampled…

The harsh light of day I find too unkind

But the night brings me magic, and a peace that is kind

I can call out his name, and the night won’t condemn me

I can live in my memories, and the dark she forgives me

I can live out my longings with the dreams she allows me

In a torrent of love my soul’s yearnings set free

And the last sight I behold before sleep’s sweet oblivion

Is his face in the stars…my cursed, fatal attraction.

M God. Life. Mother. Father. Love…

Nature. The sea. The sky. The sun, the moon. The stars. Love…

Babies. Puppies. Butterflies. Caterpillars. Love…

Boy. Girl. Hugs & Kisses. Love…

Passion. Obsession. Heaven. Hell. Love…

Romeo. Juliet. Robert. Francesca. Love…

Tenderness. Gentleness. Sorrow. Joy. Love…

Dreams. Longings. Yearnings. Hope. Love…

Pain! Anguish! Misery! Emptiness! Love!

Despair! Hurt! Disillusion! Confusion! Love!

Grief – love…

Strength – love…

Miracle – love…

Holy – love…

Uncertainty. Understanding. Forgiveness. Sacrifice. Love…

Freedom. Letting go. Mystery. Unconditional. Love…

Me.

You.

…Love?

LOVE.

She stares off into the black night for some time with haunted eyes, before picking up her present journal and continuing.

And yet it seems my heart has stood the test of time after all. And this time the pain is far from sweet… I know now the full capacity of my heart, the fathomless depth of my love for him. It is unrelenting, unforgiving… and the purity of the pain it carries is like a razor that keeps a searing wound eternally open, raw and bleeding and merciless.

Tomorrow they are going home at last. I could hardly believe it, when Maria told me over the phone tonight. And though some detached part of me feels both happy and sad that Maria and Alex are going with them, I feel guilty, actually, to not feel as bad about my two best friends’ leaving, as the thought of never seeing Max again… In the years since we went our separate ways, only one thing has kept me from going completely out of my mind… The thought that he was out there, somewhere. The hope that possibilities still existed. But now… not much chance left of a glorious reunion, I guess… Hell, who am I kidding? Not ever, to state the absolute truth. Tess’ and his destiny are intertwined, and upon their union rests the fate of a whole planet, a whole people. How could I stand in the way of that? … Never… Such a ring of finality about it.

… And so it comes to this, after all… just a brief touching of our souls… and forever this unfinished feeling.

Liz blinks when moisture seeps into the page. She brushes the back of her hand across her eyes roughly, annoyed that the tears still flow so readily. She determinedly picks up her pen again to finish the night’s entry.

And yet… I would not have anything otherwise. Knowing him, loving him, even for such a short time, has all been worth it. I would rather a fleeting instant with Max, than an eternity without having touched his hand at all… without dancing in his arms, without kissing his lips… without looking into his eyes and seeing only the best of myself reflected in them.

"Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some people move our souls to dance. They awaken us to new understanding with the passing whisper of their wisdom. Some people make the sky more beautiful to gaze upon. They stay in our lives for awhile, leave footprints in our hearts, and we are never, ever the same."

She sighs once more, then adds a few more lines from one of her favorite poems, before wearily blowing out the candles, and going inside. Her journal lies forgotten on the swing, its pages flapping in a slight breeze that seems to whisper a mournful lament to the stars above.

~*~*~*~*~

Hold Back The Night

Sinead O’Connor

I want to walk

Into the light

Day has turned cold

So hold back the night

What will become

Of you and I

We had a dream

Don’t let it die

Do you want to be

My dying day

My darkest hour

My overdose

Coz that’s what you’d be

Just hold back the night

There was a time

I know you’d agree

We saw it all

A glorious sight

Everyone’s burned

Everything’s gone

What we were then

Now we are not

So hold back the night

Don’t let it die

Do you want to be

Do you want to be

My dying day

My darkest hour

My overdose

Coz that’s what you’d be

Just hold back the night