All of this, this whole thing with Michael, everything that’s been happening with me and Liz, all of it has my mind going in a million places. I can’t think straight anymore. I don’t even know what I want right now... so how can I be so sure that Liz Parker isn’t the one thing I really and truly want?

She is, of course. She’s all I want. When I close my eyes at night, I see her face. She fills my dreams, smiling and laughing and looking at me with those eyes that completely mesmerize me every time I catch a glimpse of them. Her face is all I can think about when I should be thinking of logarithms in math class or meatloaf at lunch or some such less occupying thought. But I can’t think of those things. All that fills my mind is Liz... she’s all there is now.

It’s exhilarating to finally have someone in my life that I feel really gets me. I love Isabel and Michael, but it’s not the same. They understand, but not the way that Liz does. Liz sees my soul, sees all the things I feel, and returns those feelings in kind. She looks at me and my heart stops. She touches my hand and I die. When she’s around, nothing else matters. There’s only us... there’s only the way I feel about her and the way she feels about me and suddenly that’s enough to fill up the whole world. It’s more that I ever dreamed of.

But it’s not enough, not in the real world. Not in the world that wouldn’t trust me if they knew the real me. Not in the place where I have to hide in plain sight in order to keep myself safe. This place is a constant danger, and it won’t do for me to have my head in the clouds with Liz when I should be the grounded one. I should be the one keeping the other’s heads on straight. They need me. They’ve always needed me.

Do they need me more than I need Liz?

I think about the look on her face as I left tonight and it makes me ache. I’ve never been sick in my life, never had a broken bone, never had a scratch that I couldn’t fix myself... and yet the hurt that I feel at hurting Liz is something that even I can’t repair. It’s something I deserve to have to feel. It’s something that I’ve brought on myself.

I can still feel her lips on mine in that last kiss tonight. God, how I wanted to return that kiss! All I wanted to do was climb back onto that roof and wrap my arms around her and let the rest of the world fade around us. That would have been perfect. That would have made it all okay again.

That would have been a huge mistake.

She excites me and captivates me and makes me see the world in a way I never did before her. She also terrifies me. Liz Parker, tiny, diminutive Liz Parker who would never hurt a living soul, scares me more than any alien autopsy video ever could. When I’m with her, I’m not myself. I’m not Max Evans, brooding loner who smiles from across the room but keeps his distance. I’m Max Evans, love-struck teenager who can’t take his eyes off the goddess sitting beside him trying to master a set of chopsticks. I’m like any other red-blooded, American guy... and that’s what’s terrifying.

Liz makes me feel normal, makes me feel like I belong. But, the thing is, I don’t. I don’t belong and I never will. I’m not like everyone else and I can’t let myself feel even for a second that I might be. I have to keep my distance. I have to stay back so I can stay safe; so that I can keep the others safe.

She doesn’t understand. I can see it in her eyes that she doesn’t understand my reasons for pulling away. She thinks I blame her because of what happened with Michael or because she was scared for me or because of something else all together. But that’s not it; that’s not it at all. I don’t blame her for anything... well, anything but making me fall in love with her, that is.

That’s the problem. I’m in love with Liz Parker. I’m in love with the way her face lights up when she laughs and with the way she sneaks little looks at me in math class when she thinks I’m not watching and with the way she knows that I like cherry cola with a little bit of Tabasco sauce. I love the way she knows me and I love the way she understands me. I love everything about her. And, again, that’s the problem.

The more I love Liz, the less I can focus on what I should really be focused on. The less I can concentrate on keeping myself and my sister and my best friend out of harms way and trying to find the answers we so desperately need to find. Liz causes everything else to seem less important and that’s just something that I can’t allow to happen, not right now.

So, I have to do this. I have to hurt the both of us now in order to keep from hurting us later. I have to clear my head and try to find a way to love Liz a little less completely, a little less all-inclusively... But the thought of loving her less, of feeling anything but everything for Liz Parker, seems more alien than my reflection in the mirror ever has. She’s the center of my close-knit little world now and it’s hard to break away from that.

But I must. I must for the good of both of us. So, I take a step back... and I wait. I wait for the answers I’m hoping will come to me; wait for the one thing that will show me how to love Liz and still keep my focus. I hope I find it soon... so that I can take that step forward once again.

* * * * *

The End