Her. I was --and still am-- living for her.

I have been living for her since the night in the nookie motel, and only God knows how impulsive would I have been had Max and our circle of friends not intruded.

I turned around and went further back into the kitchen, trying to ignore her behind me, still talking. Ignoring Maria doesn't work, I've learned.

"Please, Michael, give me something, ANYTHING, to go by on this. It's not like every redblooded American girl is in love with an alien who doesn't want her -- there is no precedent to work with here!"

I turned to face her.

God she is gorgeous.

"Fuck it," I said, turning out the lights and locking the Crashdown doors, dragging Maria along with me.

We went to my place.

* * * * *
if I look up in your eyes
will you notice me or notice it or fade into this accident?
* * * * *

I wondered if she could hear my heart beating on the way over. It was pounding so quickly. In my ears it almost sounded like surf on sand.

Pulling her inside my home. Wondering what the hell I was doing. Unbuttoning her uniform. Kissing her roughly. Wondering what the hell I was doing, again. Stripping her down and laying her on my bed. Wondering again.

* * * * *
I don't want to find
the big dumb rocket on your mind
* * * * *

I made love to Maria last night. That's what it was -- I love her. Not sex. Not fucking. It was lovemaking.

After our initial hurriedness, we slowed down, and everything changed.

This changes everything.

I realized I haven't thought about anything alien in an entire morning.

* * * * *
I don't want to find
that it's mostly you and mostly me
and a tired gun that's not empty
* * * * *

I don't want to love Maria. I want to have purpose to my life, to be the soldier I was meant to be. I have sat here and thought.

I am a soldier.

It is meant to be.

I am a soldier.

I go into my bedroom and find her sleeping soundly on my bed. I crawl in next to her, turning my back to her. She immediately scooted closer and wrapped a tiny arm around me. Damn.

I have to love this girl.

She is the purpose to my life. Is she?

I'd like to think so.

Then again, I'm scared.

* * * * *
I've never been this sad before
but I'm offended by my fingertips
and what they've done
* * * * *

I couldn't sleep, so I got up and went out to the pod chambers. I worked on my rock formation. By the time I finished my goal achievement, the sun was rising and I was drained.

I looked at the box.

I thought of something.

I decided to test it out.

Just a theory, right?

Wrong.

I put a mental image of Maria into my mind. Sweet, funny Maria. Maria, who makes me complete.

Suddenly I felt a surge of power, one I don't usually feel while using my power.

The next thing I knew, I was laying on the floor of the pod chamber and the box was a perfect square shape.

I left the chamber. My watch said it was past noon. I wondered what had happened to me in that time.

* * * * *
if I look up in your eyes
if it must be true you must believe
I've never held such violent things
* * * * *

Going back to my place... wondering what had happened to me. Where had that time gone?

I must have blacked out.

Why?

I get home and there is a note from Maria, saying she had to go to work but to please call her later. I stared at the paper for a good while.

I have no idea why I slept with Maria last night.

I have no idea why the thought of her increases my powers.

I have no idea why I blacked out.

I have no idea what makes me love Maria so much.

Or do I?

Then again, I wonder what's not to love.

* * * * *
I've never talked to god before tonight
but I'm disgusted by...
* * * * *

I prayed today.

This morning, I met Tess out in the desert to work on my rock formation. She was impressed by my progress. I told her about my last visit to the chamber and how I blacked out.

"Well, were there any differences between that time and before, Michael?" she asked.

I bowed my head and nodded. "Maria." I expected Tess to blow up at me. Instead she nodded, almost sympathetically.

"You really love her, don't you?"

I nodded back. "Yes, I do. Oh God, do I love her... but I know I shouldn't."

Tess shook her head. "Maybe the thought of her inspired you, Michael. Think of her as your muse. I think the blacking-out was due to not being focused on your powers, though. Think of her, but focus on what you're doing."

I stood up and looked at her. "I certainly didn't expect to hear that from you, of all people."

She laughed and walked toward the pod chamber. "Whatever works for you, Michael."

Later, on the way home, I prayed silently. "Please, let this be the right thing for me...please."