How is it that all that time I didn't pay any attention- until now? As Liz and Maria approach me I notice. I notice the hurt in her expression.

Something is wrong. I want to ask Liz when Maria leaves to use the restroom, but she and I haven't been talking that much lately. I hoped that Michael would come to lunch, but he never showed. That would be pretty normal of Michael if he is upset with someone who eats with us- like Maria.

I don't think I've talked to him as much as usual these days, but here I go feeling sorry for myself. I come to the crashdown as usual just so I can get at least a glimpse of Liz. I still haven't seen Michael, but Maria is working. Liz comes to take Isabel's and my order. Suddenly, I wonder why I came here, but I ask Liz the question that's been looming in my mind since lunch, "What's wrong with Maria?" Liz seems none to thrilled with the question as she replies similarly, "Have you seen Michael, because I'm sure he knows more than Maria is telling me." I shake my head and I must look worried because Liz says, "Don’t worry, he'll show up sooner or later. He always does right?" Isabel shakes her head in agreement so I figure why be concerned.

Michael has done things like this before. My only question is why. Usually, it's about him getting away from Hank, but he's been freed from Hank for at least two months now. I notice Maria approaching us. I see her bloodshot eyes and tear stained cheeks even though she's been trying to hide them. Some thing is wrong, I can feel it. Maria says to me, "If you see him tell him to stay away from me," and walks off to the backroom. Finally, I realize where I should be right now instead of drooling over Liz. I should be visiting Michael. I get the food to go and head to my jeep. Isabel knows where we are going and she seems excited that I'm finally getting my head on straight again.We arrive at Michael's apartment door and I knock to see if he is inside.

When nothing happened I knocked again- finally an answer. The door opens revealing Michael who looks like he's been in bed all day. He doesn't look all that happy, but he lets us in without saying a word. I sit on his vintage couch as Michael sits in one of his two chairs. Isabel sits next to me as I say, "I saw Maria today, Michael." I wait for an explanation because I know that Michael is fully aware of what I am talking about.

Isabel tells him, "It's about you and Maria isn't it." Then she looks at me and says, "Maybe we're not close enough friends all of the sudden for him to tell us why he looks like shit today." She is about to get up and leave, but Michael speaks. "She hates me. The one girl who likes me for me and I can't even keep myself from hurting her. She hates me, Max."

What could I tell him? I still have relationship problems of my own. Isabel knows this so she speaks up even though she might be a little naïve.

"That's the problem with you and Max. When you really fall in love with a girl. You and the girl are either worst enemies or real soul mates. It's never really in between is it? Maria might say she hates you, she might feel like she hates you and she might even think she knows that she hates you, but deep down Maria could never feel that way. That's why we trust her with our secret right? Because we know she cares about us too much to ever hurt us like that. So don't say that Michael. And despite your 'stonewall' exterior, we all know that you care deeply for Maria. So just tell us what happened!"

Michael takes a deep breath in agony over what he must be feeling about the situation and says, "If you don't like it Is, then get out."

Isabel never looked so frustrated as she storms out of the apartment. Then I speak up, "She's just trying to help, Michael." He is definitely upset about something now. He says, "You wouldn't understand." I look at him like saying that isn't fair since I am his best friend. He feels bad now and says, "Look, can you just give me some time to think before I talk. I … I just need some time." I back off the subject and walk to the door as I say to him, "When you're ready, you know where to find me." Then I leave.

I leave knowing that I may never see him again, that he might run from his problems and that I, Max Evans can do very little to change that no matter how much I want to.

I am studying and surprised. My phone is ringing and when I pick it up, Liz is on the other end. I am surprised since we haven't been talking- until she asks me what's going on with Maria and Michael. I say, "He hasn't told me yet. He says he needs time to think. What about Maria?" Liz tells me, "Every time I ask her she either breaks down into tears or pushes me away. I hate seeing her like this." I tell her, "Michael doesn't look much better either. I guess they will come around when they are ready."

******

Maria sat in her room, a journal in her lap and her gaze at the window. The closed window covered in droplets of rain. It's pouring outside and she just looks at the window as if he's out there and not really caring if he is. Just something inside of her makes her look. She looks back at her journal and reads what she's been scribbling over and over regardless of whether she believes it. "I hate Michael Guerin, I hate Michael Guerin, I HATE Michael Guerin…" fill the page she is looking at. She feels a familiar lump rise in her throat and begins to cry. Tears falling on the paper she thinks to herself, 'I don't … I don’t' hate Michael Guerin. Michael Guerin hates me.' She curls up on her bed and continues to cry feeling rejected and unloved in the worst way. A door downstairs opens and closes, but Maria could care less. She just lays there as each sob racks her body and she just wants to let go into nothingness. Her mom knocks on the door, but Maria is too busy crying. Her mom opens the door and runs to her daughter embracing her, holding her until she calms down. She says to Maria, "It's a boy isn't it sweetie, shhh. Calm down, shhh," and Maria just holds her mom and lets the tears flow until she has nothing left to cry.

Maria's mom gives her a tissue- a whole box infact- and Maria wipes her eyes- not forgetting to blow her nose. Her mom was still holding her and Maria realized that her mom loved her. She also knew that she would have to tell her mom why she had just cried her eyes out because she deserved that much. She leaned on her mom's shoulder as the woman said to her, "A boy broke your heart?" Maria just nodded and said, "I feel terrible mom, I … I love him." Her mom pats her back to comfort Maria and it works at usual.

Then her mom says, "If you had kept those feelings inside you any longer I think you would have burst. I know it hurts, but don't bottle it up."

Maria sits up and says to her mom, "What if he lied? I mean he always says things that he doesn't necessarily mean." Her mom gives her another hug and says, "Sweetie, if this boy loves you he will let you know. Until then, enjoy being single. It does have its perks." Maria almost chuckles at that. Her mom isn't usually that perky when single, but Maria is not her mom. She decides to take her mom's advice, but she says, "I'll try, but every day I find myself thinking of him." Her mom replies, "It's not every day you meet a boy who makes you feel like that." Maria just nods and her mom continues, "Is this that Michael person that took Ernie's place at the boxing match?" Maria blushes, but her mom isn't looking so she says, "yeah" and sniffles a little. Her mom pats her again and gives her a quick kiss on the forehead as she says, "Get some sleep, tomorrow will be better." Maria lies down as her mom leaves and says "goodnight" to her mom. She closes her eyes and drifts off to sleep.

*****

Michael is at home- well at his apartment. Nothing seems to feel like home anymore. He's in bed trying to fall asleep to no avail and lets out a frustrated sigh. Then he thinks about home- just totally out of the blue.

He isn't thinking about the planet thousands of light-years away that he is from. He thinks of Maria. Maria- beautiful, wonderful, fiery, amazing, sweet, spicy Maria. 'Why didn't I just tell her the truth?' he thinks to himself. Here he is associating Maria with the word 'home' and he's too afraid to get her back. He thinks, 'she probably hates me for what I did. I never meant to hurt her and now she probably won't think of me or speak to me again. I am truly alone and now I will never feel at home. Ever.'

He sobs as a single tear cascades down his cheek. Usually, he would go to Max's, but he didn't have anything to run from anymore. He always feels like an outsider when he is there for too long so he decides to stay in his apartment. Another tear glides down. He wipes it away, but more tears come. He lies there for hours until the tears stop coming. It's a school day, but he doesn't feel like going even though he knows he should- get his mind off of her- if such a thing is possible. It seems like he thinks about her all the time these days. He thinks about life without her, but finds his lungs stop working. He knows he can't live without her. Why did he ever hurt her? He forces himself out of bed and decides to go to school - after a long shower. He is ready to talk to Max - if there is anything to say. He knows he just has to mend things with Maria, but it just seems like an impossible task right now. Still, he can't avoid her and eventually he will confront her- just not today.

*****

I see Michael at school today and that's always a good sign. Liz is talking to me now. She says, "Hi, Max" as she heads to class and I wave back at her. I look for Michael again, but he's gone. Before lunch I stop in the bathroom to wash off the powder residue from the gloves I used in biology.

Michael is in there throwing water on his face. He looks at me and I feel sad when I see that his eyes are red from crying. I don’t think I've ever seen Michael cry so I don't think he's been crying at a first glance. I see the pain etched in his face though so I know he's feeling bad. I turn the water off as he says to me, "I'm ready to talk, Maxwell." I grab a paper towel and begin to dry my hands and say, "okay." He looks me straight in the eyes and says, "I hurt Maria and I feel like I can never mend that. I … I think I found my-" I realize that he's never actually said these words in this way before- but neither have I. I say, "your soul mate? Maria?" He nods and says, "I thought about our real home last night, and I saw Maria. She's like … she's like my home, Max and it's killing me. I was the one who said I didn't want to get close, that I would hurt her. I didn't think I would be hurting me. Do you hurt- I mean with you and Liz?" I know I paled as I said, "Of course I do. All the time." He looks sad now, but he says anyway "How do you live?" How do I answer that? How do I live without Liz being so close to me? I just shrug, but I know that answer isn't good enough. I gather my strength as I say, "I just hope that one day I won't have to feel hurt. I guess with Liz and I talking these days I haven't thought about it much. When I see her, talk to her, the pain just melts away." Michael nods, but I know that he would understand. I feel bad for him so I say, "I should probably tell you what you told me when I felt out of control, but I'm not. Chances are we may be around for a while and since I plan to mend things with Liz I say go for it, Michael. Tell Maria how you really feel about her. You said it yourself- she's your home." I smiled inside as I notice that Michael has found some renewed strength and I say, "Aren't you glad that you can talk to me?" He nods and sniffles one last time as he says to me, "Thanks Max. You’re a great friend. Tell Isabel that I will apologize for what I said to her when she tried to help." I nod and we head off to lunch.

******

'I'm not going to even look at him,' Maria says to herself as she realizes that Michael is going to join the people at her table during lunch. He sits down across from her and Max sits beside him. She sees that Michael doesn't look any better than her today, but she tries not to care. She feels a twinge of envy when Liz and Max begin to talk. She wants so badly to do the same with Michael. Why won't he let her? She tries not to look at him, but all too often she finds her head rising to look at his dreamy appearance.

Alex joins the group and Maria talks with him for a while until lunch ends. She wishes that she was talking to Michael though and feels bad about that.

******

Michael wanders to the art room- the locale of his next class. He sits at an easel and tries to think of something to paint. Only one idea comes to mind- Maria.

Subconsciously, he begins to paint her only half thinking about what he's doing. He uses many colors and even stays into his free period to finish it. He simply doesn't want to stop. When he finishes his painting, he sits back and takes it in. The girl he painted almost looks alive and his heart stops at the sight of her. This would be his declaration to Maria- his proof of the love he felt for her. He gets an A on it from the teacher who is very impressed. He takes the painting and wraps it in brown paper so that Michael can take it with him. Michael picks it up from the art room after school so he can surprise Maria.

He takes it to her house and forgetting that she is still at work, he rings the doorbell. Her mother opens the door and Michael feel slightly uncomfortable. He finds his voice and says to the woman, "I brought this for Maria. Can I just drop it off for her?" Her mother nods with a content smile on her face. He rotates the painting showing the note he had taped to the paper and says "Make sure she reads the note." Maria's mom nods her head and says, "Thank you, Michael. I will let her know you stopped by."

Suddenly, Michael realizes something. He hands Maria's mom the note, but keeps the painting and says, "I want to give her this myself. Maybe she can stop by later?" The woman smiled and said, "I'll let her know, Michael."

He turns to go, but he hears her say, "You really love her?" He turns, but says nothing knowing that the look he gives her is enough at this point.

She says kindly, "You better tell her" and smiles again as she closes the door. Michael skips the crashdown and goes to his apartment. He is going to put his painting on his wall. If he doesn't get his home back at least he can still see her so the pain will go away.

*****

Michael doesn't show up at the crashdown and I am a little surprised. I think he would be mending his rift with Maria, but maybe he is picking his moment. I just look at Liz, wishing she wouldn't seem so distant. I know that I could never live without her- why do I try? I sigh heavily as Isabel says to me, "Talk to her Max. At least try to follow your own advice."

Normally, I would tell her to mind her own business or something, but today she is right. I'm not a hypocrite- usually. I stand up and walk over to Liz who is at the counter waiting for food to be ready. She looks at me questioningly and I say, "I can't do this Liz. I can't sit here and pretend that we aren't meant to be. I can't stand not being able to hold you or kiss you. I … I love you." I might have said more, but my throat goes dry and my lips meet hers. She has never tasted so good and I am hungry- for her. I back away to make sure that she is okay and she is glowing. Now her lips meet mine and feel whole. She backs away though to serve the food that is ready. She says that we will talk later so I return to Isabel and Alex and wait for my food. Both of them smile at me and I smile back. I just wish that Michael could feel this way.

****

Maria is watching Liz and Max as they make up. She knows that this would happen. Deep down she wishes it were Michael and she. She sighs and tells Liz that she has to go. She feels tired and she needs to find Michael.

Besides, they have more than enough help today. Maria goes to Michael's apartment and knocks on his door. He probably wonders why I came, she thought to herself. The door opens though and Michael just looks at her. She blushes momentarily and says, "I don't know why I came. It's just that Max and Liz made up and-" Before she can finish he says, "It's okay. You can come in." He backs away from the door and she enters the apartment. She notices the old furniture, the strange smell that permeates the apartment, the way everything seems to be cleaned up to an extent and- a painting on the wall. One she has never seen before. She is awestruck as he says, "I was going to give it to you, but you see yourself every day. I just can't seem to-" he pauses for a moment and says, "I'm not searching anymore, Maria." Maria is confused. Maria feels like he's telling her this for her sake and not for his. She says, "You shouldn't have to stop on my account." He faces her as she is already facing him. He places his hands about her head as if he is holding it up and says, "I'm not, Maria. I found home when I found you. I love you." She feels tears welling in her eyes never before so happy as she is now. She throws her arms around him holding him close and his lips meet hers. It's not a hungry kiss, but a tender passionate one filled with so many feelings- most of all love. She sees visions of his childhood, happy that he has opened up to her and gives him a kiss that is just as deep and passionate. She backs away and rests her head on his shoulder as she says, "I almost thought that I would never hear you say those words because the thing is, I love you too."

She smiled as he tightened his grip just a little. She knew that he had been waiting to hear those words as much as she yearned for them.

*****