As I slip out of bed, I decide that this is the best thing for her. No matter how much I love her, it can never be enough. I stopped looking for home a long time ago, but she’ll never know that. I am weak, and this is why she’ll never know.

I am weak for making her hope that I’d stay, weak for staying so long, but most of all weak for leaving her. Especially, this way, while she is sleeping.

As a gather my things, I stare at the door since I cannot look at her. If I look at her, I will stay. At that moment, I reach the doorknob hoping she’ll wake up and tell me not to go. If only she would, I would lie back down and hold her forever. Unfortunately, she does not stir as the door silently closes.

‘Goodbye Maria’ I think as I slowly walk down the stairs.

I am stupid. I let her wake up alone in my apartment. I didn’t wake up beside her. I didn’t say goodbye. I just didn’t. I couldn’t.

I can’t even look back in the general direction. I can only walk forward. Knowing this is best. Hoping this is best because once I leave I’m gone for good.

Now, I get on the bus and think of my Maria and how she is no longer mine. I think of her hands, her face, and the lonely nights ahead. I’m pathetic and that’s why she deserves this. Deserves better.

Suddenly, something I knew would happen but wasn’t prepared for. The bus gradually pulls away from the station. This is the scariest feeling I have ever experienced.

Without her, my so-called life ends here and I wonder ‘if only’.

Then, I pass the sign and I smirk at the absurdity of my life.