“MARIA!”

Down in the den, Max and Isabel froze at the tortured cry coming from the second floor of their house. They were watching television and had invited Michael to join them, but he had declined, saying he was going to take a nap instead. The siblings turned to each other with matching expressions of apprehension in their eyes just as the front door opened.

“What was that?” cried Mrs. Evans as she rushed into the house. She and Mr. Evans had just returned from dinner at their favorite restaurant, and had heard the cry the moment they pulled into the driveway.

“I think it was Michael,” Isabel said worriedly. Without another word she and Max jumped up from the couch and raced up to Michael’s room, their parents close behind them.

When they reached Michael’s room Max surreptitiously placed his hand over the doorknob and popped the lock. Then he and Isabel entered the room. They found Michael sitting up on his bed, gasping for breath, his entire body trembling.

“Michael, what is it?” Max asked, sitting down on the bed beside his friend. “What’s happened?”

Michael looked up at his friend and Max was struck by the look of absolute despair in his eyes. “It’s Maria,” Michael choked out. “She, she, Oh, God.” His body began shaking even more violently and he could no longer speak.

The phone rang out in the hallway and Mr. Evans left the room to answer it. He returned a moment later with the portable phone. “Max, it’s Liz,” Mr. Evans said.

Max looked at Michael. “Can you tell her I’ll call her back, dad?”

“She said it’s important,” Mr. Evans told his son. “She sounds really upset.”

“Here, I’ll talk to her,” Isabel said impatiently, taking the phone from her father. “Liz, it’s Isabel. Yes, Max is here but he’s a little busy right now, so can you-” She stopped as Liz spoke on the other end of the phone and the color drained completely from her face. “What?” she whispered. “Are, are you sure? No, no, she wouldn’t do something like that! No!” Dropping the phone from her hand, Isabel slumped against the wall and sank to the floor as she began sobbing.

“Isabel!” Mrs. Evans sank to her knees next to her daughter and put her arms around her, trying to comfort her. “Oh, baby, what’s happened?”

Max picked up the phone from the floor. “Liz, what’s going on? Are you all right?” he asked, a feeling of dread growing in his stomach. “What’s happened?” He paused to listen a moment, and Mr. Evans saw his son’s face pale as his eyes grew wide. “But, but are you sure? Maria? Oh, my God.” Max closed his eyes a moment and took a deep, shuddering breath. “Liz, we’ll be right there, okay? We’ll meet you and Alex there and we can all go over together. Okay, we’ll be there in a few minutes. Bye, Liz.”

Max hung up the phone and let it drop back to the floor. “Max, what’s going on?” Mr. Evans asked.

“It’s Maria,” Max said quietly. He looked over at Michael who was now sitting on his bed curled up against the headboard, his eyes staring vacantly straight ahead. “She, she’s dead.”

“What?” Mrs. Evans gasped. “What happened?” she asked as she wrapped her arms more tightly around Isabel’s shaking body.

“Her mom came home from work and found her in the bathroom,” Max said, fighting to keep his emotions in check. “Her mom said she just found her in the tub. She-” Max gave up trying to hold back his tears and they began streaming down his face. “She killed herself, with a razor, she-“ He began crying harder now and his mother reached over and drew him into her arms as well. “Liz is a mess,” Max said through his sobs as he held his mother and sister tightly. “I could barely understand her. But she needs us to come over and go see Mrs. DeLuca with her and Alex.”

Mr. Evans joined them, wrapping his arms around his family. “I’m so sorry,” he whispered to his children. “I know it hurts to lose someone you love. Do you want your mother and I to bring you guys over there?”

Isabel pulled back, wiping her eyes. “No, daddy, but thank you. This is something we need to do together for Maria.” Something that had been hidden to her in her own grief suddenly made itself felt, and she looked to the bed. “Michael?” But there was no one there. Michael was gone.

“Where did he go?” Mrs. Evans asked. “He was just here.”

“Don’t worry about him, mom,” Max tried to assure his mother. “Michael needs to be alone right now. He and Maria were, well, very close for awhile, and I think he needs to get away for a little while. He’ll be back.”

Max and Isabel said goodbye to their parents, promised them they would be extremely careful, and then got into Max’s jeep and headed for The Crash Down.

“Max, this can’t really be happening, can it?” Isabel asked, sniffling. “Maria wouldn’t do something like this. I just, I don’t understand.”

“Neither do I, Is,” Max said quietly as they pulled up in front of The Crash Down.

Liz was waiting for them with the door open and the moment Max and Isabel reached her, she fell into Max’s arms, sobbing. “Oh, Liz,” Max murmured, leading her to a booth. He held her to him, stroking her hair and trying to murmur soothing words as his own tears fell on her hair.

“Alex.” Isabel sat down next to Alex and wrapped her arms around him, trying to do for Alex what Max was doing for Liz.

“Why?” Alex choked out, as his tears began to fall on Isabel’s shoulder. “Why did this happen?” Isabel had no answers, and all she could do was lay her own head against Alex’s shoulder as she wept.

“Maria and I have been best friends since the first moment we met. We were in kindergarten together and on the first day of class she came over to me and told me not to cry, it’d be all right, we could be friends and then I wouldn’t have to be sad anymore. And she was right.” Liz choked up a moment and she stopped to regain her composure. “When Maria was around, I couldn’t be sad.”

In the back of the church, Michael watched as Liz gave the eulogy for Maria. Alex, Isabel, Max, and even Tess and Kyle were sitting in the front pew with Mrs. DeLuca. Sheriff Valenti sat next to her, holding her hand and trying to comfort her throughout the service. Michael felt he had no right to be sitting up there with everyone else who had loved Maria so much. He probably didn’t even have the right to be at the funeral service, but he hadn’t been able to stay away. He needed to be there, he needed to be close to Maria one last time.

The others didn’t know he was there. At least, he was pretty sure they didn’t. He hadn’t spoken to any of them since the night Maria had died. When what he had already known had been confirmed he had waited until the Evans’ backs were turned and then had taken off on his own. He had been in the desert, alone, for the past two days, trying to come to terms with the unthinkable. He hadn’t been able to, and he didn’t know if he ever would.

What was he going to do without Maria? They had not even been on speaking terms really when she had taken her own life, and Michael knew that was entirely his own fault. He had been trying to keep her safe from the danger that surrounded him, to protect her from the hurt she would inevitably feel if they were in a relationship together, but all he had done was cause her more pain.

Liz’s words reached his ears again. “Maria was the most loyal person I have ever known. If Maria cared about you, she would be there for you, no matter what the situation, and she would try to help you. Maria stuck by her friends, always. She comforted us when we were sad, she hurt when we were hurting, and most of all she loved us, no matter what we did.” Up in the front pew Michael saw Isabel sobbing into Alex’s shoulder. As he watched, Sheriff Valenti put his arm around Mrs. DeLuca and held her close as her body shook with silent sobs.

Michael felt an aching in his own chest. Maria had loved him, had given him the most precious gift of all, and he had thrown it away without another thought. Maria had killed herself because of him, because of the pain he had caused her and because he had rejected her love time after time. Now he would never see the blonde pixie girl again. He would never again see her sparkling eyes flashing at him as they engaged in one of their bantering-leading-to-makeout sessions, would never cover her soft, pouting lips with his own again. He would never hold her in his arms again, hear the sound of her voice saying his name, or even catch glimpses of her in the hallways at school. She was gone, forever, and it was all his fault.

Liz finished the eulogy and walked back to the front pew where Max waited for her. He held her tightly as she wept, his own face displaying the pain he felt inside. “Amazing Grace” began playing as the priest spoke his final words and spoke of the ensuing burial in Our Lady of Grace cemetery. As soon as Michael heard these words, he left the church as quickly and quietly as possible.

Michael watched from a distance as the cars entered the cemetery in a long line following the hearse and the limousine that carried Mrs. DeLuca, Liz, Max, Alex, and Isabel. He stood in a grove of trees on a piece of land that was slightly elevated and looked out over the section of the cemetery where Maria was going to be buried. He watched the men from the funeral remove the casket from the hearse and place it on the machine that would lower it into the grave.

One by one, Max, Isabel, Alex, Liz, and Mrs. DeLuca approached the casket. Max walked to the casket first and rested his hand on the coffin a moment, closing his eyes. “Goodbye, Maria,” he whispered softly. “I’m going to miss you,” he murmured, tears falling from his eyes as he thought back on how close he and the blonde girl had become over the summer.

He stepped away and Isabel walked to the coffin next. “Maria, you and Liz were the closest things I’ve ever had to sisters,” she whispered. “I don’t know what we’re all going to do without you.” She kissed the yellow rose she held in her hand, then placed it gently on the coffin. “Goodbye,” she choked out. She walked over to where Max stood, her tears falling freely now, and her brother held her tightly as she cried.

Alex approached Maria’s casket next. “Oh, God, I don’t even know what to say to you,” he said softly. “I’m going to miss you so much, but you already know that. You and Liz have always been my best friends, and you always will be, no matter what. I love you.” He, too, produced a yellow rose and placed it on Maria’s casket. Then he moved to where Max and Isabel stood. Max gently separated himself from Isabel and motioned her towards Alex. She and Alex clung to each other, their tears intermingling as they released the grief they felt inside.

Liz walked to Maria’s casket now and placed her hand on the smooth wooden surface. “Maria, I don’t understand why you were taken away from us,” she whispered, not even bothering to wipe away the tears that streamed down her face. “I love you so much. You were my best friend and my sister, and I know there will never be another person like you, ever. But I don’t know how to do this,” she sobbed. “I don’t know how to say goodbye to you, Maria.” She placed the red rose she held on Maria’s casket. “I know these were your favorite,” she murmured. Max appeared at her side then and a look of understanding passed between them before Max took her arm and gently led her away from the casket.

Mrs. DeLuca stood in front of the casket next with Sheriff Valenti next to her. The sheriff had his arm wrapped around her waist to support her as she tried to control her tears enough to say goodbye to her only child. “Goodbye, sweetie,” she whispered, placing a white rose on her daughter’s casket. “I love you, baby, and I’ll see you again someday, I just know it.” Her tears began to fall again, and she signaled for the sheriff to lead her away.

The priest had accompanied the group to the cemetery and now he began to speak over the coffin, sprinkling it with holy water. Liz stood with Max’s arm around her firmly supporting her as she watched the events unfolding before her. It all seemed so unreal to her. If Maria were here, she’d make some kind of joke about the water staining the coffin, or the outfits that some of the mourners had worn to the funeral. She’d probably even make fun of what she herself had been buried in.

Buried. The word stuck in Liz’s mind. Buried. Maria wasn’t here to make any of those comments, she would never again even speak. She was gone. Forever. Suddenly Liz found it very hard to catch her breath. Her chest seemed to be caving in and her lungs didn’t want to work anymore. As she tried to get air in, she noticed that the edges of her vision were starting to get dark. And the priest’s voice sounded very far off, like he was speaking underwater or something.

“Liz, Liz, are you okay?” Liz heard Max’s voice coming from somewhere above her, but he sounded very far away, too. She tried to tell him that no, she was not okay, her best friend was dead, for God’s sake, she would never be okay again, but her voice didn’t seem to want to work either. Then her vision started to swim and she slumped back against Max.

From where Michael stood he could see Liz begin to sway right before she passed out in Max’s arms. *That’s your fault, too, you know,* his inner voice reminded him. *Look at all of them. They’re destroyed because Maria’s dead. And she’s dead because of you. Look at all of the people you’ve managed to hurt. You really are just a complete waste of oxygen, you know. You need to get out of here, get away from all of these people before you manage to ruin their lives any more.*

Michael nodded to himself. He needed to get away. He couldn’t stay here anymore. The memories of Maria, of the love that he had felt for her, were too much for him to bear. Maybe it was selfish of him, but it was what was best for everyone else. He had to leave Roswell. Now, right now. No goodbyes, nothing, he had to get out of there. Michael paused, taking a long look at his friends who were now concentrating on reviving Liz. Then he focused on the casket a moment before turning and walking out of the cemetery, leaving his heart behind in the cold darkness of Maria’s grave.

“We need to talk to him,” Isabel said. “And it’s probably best if we’re all there to talk to him at once. Whether he’s willing to admit it or not, he needs us, all of us, right now.”

Kyle looked unsure as they entered the Evans household. “I still don’t understand why I’m here,” he muttered.

“For me,” Tess said quietly, squeezing his hand. He squeezed her hand back, a fleeting smile passing quickly over his face.

They stood outside of Michael’s room, no one sure who should make the first step. “How do you even know he’s here?” Alex asked.

“When our mom came to the DeLuca’s after the burial she said she had heard Michael up here before she left. She didn’t want to intrude because she thought it would be best if we all talked to him first,” Max explained. He took a deep breath. “I guess I shouldn’t put this off any longer.” He reached up and knocked on the door. “Michael? Michael, it’s Max. I really need to talk to you. Please open the door.”

There was no answer and after a moment Max tried the doorknob and was extremely surprised when it turned easily in his hand. “Michael?” he called as he eased the door open. “Michael, are you in here?” There was still no answer and Max opened the door all the way, the others crowding in behind him.

“He’s gone,” Isabel whispered. The bedroom looked like a hotel room, not a hair out of place. From the open, empty closet the teenagers could see that Michael had taken whatever meager belongings he had and had packed them up and left.

“There’s something on the pillow,” Liz said quietly, pointing to a long white envelope that sat on the pillow on Michael’s bed.

Max stepped forward and picked up the envelope. He opened it and found a single sheet of paper inside. “To whoever finds this,” he began to read out loud. “Well, I’m guessing that would be Maxwell, Isabel, Liz, Alex, Tess, and Kyle. I’m sorry for what’s happened in the past few days. It’s all my fault, and I don’t blame any of you for hating me for Maria’s death. You may not believe it, but I loved Maria. I loved her more than I ever thought I could love someone, and even though I constantly managed to screw everything up between us, I love her still. I know I’m responsible for what she did, and that’s something I will carry with me for the rest of my life. But I can’t do it here. I don’t know how to deal with losing her. The best way I can explain it is through this poem that Mr. Phillips made us read last year (I know, me remembering something from class. Maria would laugh her head off. And I bet right now, wherever she is, she *is* laughing).

"Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone.
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message “She is dead.”
Put crepe bows round the white neck of public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

She was my North, my South, my East and West.
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last forever; I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood;
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

"I’m sorry, but I can’t stay around here because I know I’ll just manage to screw things up again and end up hurting you guys again. I can’t take that risk. So I’m leaving. I guess you could say I’m going to find Maria. No, stop thinking like that, Maxwell, I don’t mean I’m going to kill myself. It’s my fault she’s dead, after all, I should have to spend the rest of my life carrying that with me, knowing every single day of my miserable life that I killed my angel. Because that’s what Maria was to me. She was my angel, my salvation, my everything, and without her I’m nothing. I don’t know where I’m going, but it doesn’t really matter, since “nothing now can ever come to any good.” I’m not any good at goodbyes, so I’ll just end this here saying good luck to everyone, and I hope you all find the answers you’re looking for.”

“He’s not coming back,” Tess said softly, as Max looked up from the letter.

“You mean ever?” Kyle asked. “How can you be sure?”

“Like he said, Maria was his everything,” Tess said. “There’s nothing here for him anymore, and at the same time there are too many memories for him to deal with. He won’t be back.”

And along the desert highway, Michael Guerin sat by the side of the road. He had stopped trying to flag down a ride almost an hour ago. And now that he was all alone with his memories, he finally let the tears he had been holding back for so long fall. He wept as he sat there for the emptiness he felt inside and for the tremendous loss that radiated through his every pore. “Maria, Oh, God, Maria,” he sobbed. “I didn’t know. God, I love you so much. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

He looked up at the starry sky above him as tears streamed down his face. He thought about how he had spent so much of his life looking to the stars, trying so hard to find a clue about where he and Max and Isabel had all come from and how they could get home again. And in the meantime he had virtually ignored the fact that home was right in front of him. Home was where the heart was, wasn’t that how the saying went? And his heart was with Maria. It always had been and it always would be. He had just wasted so much time being stupid that he had not taken advantage of the fact that everything he needed in life stood right in front of him in the form of a blonde pixiegirl with a talent for chattering incessantly. Everything he had ever wanted or needed had been there all along, and now it was gone. Forever.

His eyes searched the night sky. What was it that Mr. Evans had always tried to teach Max, Isabel, and him when they were on those camping trips when they were kids? Find the North Star and you’ll always be able to find your way, wasn’t that it? It had always helped Michael as a kid, because he was always so afraid of getting lost. It had always made him feel safe, protected. Maybe it would help him now.

He scanned the stars a moment before he stopped. He couldn’t find it, but then he realized that there was no North Star anymore. Maria had been his North Star, and she was gone. She had been his north, south, east, and west. And now, without her, he was truly lost.