The Search. Our search. My search.

Today I am heading home.

I left a year ago. One day I decided that I'd had enough of all the bullshit. From Hank. From Max. From all the people who thought they knew what was best for me. I figured that I couldn't go on that way, with out knowing the truth of my heritage. Without having any brightness in my dark life.

That's a lie.

There was one spark. A beam. A ray of light. Maria. Just thinking of her name still hurts, even after a year. Isn't it amazing how quickly some one can get under your skin? Nothing but a few talks, a few kisses, and I was hers. She knew me so well, so quickly. And she was the reason I had to leave when I did. I knew that I was getting too attached and if I didn't leave then I would never be able to.

It took me about a week to realize that it was too late… way too late. But by that time I figured that since I was already hurting, and I had already hurt her there was no point in turning around. But I'm getting side tracked. I always do when I think of her.

I met Nasedo today. The elusive fourth alien. He was nothing like I expected. I don't know what I was expecting. A violent man? A teacher? A… father? He was none of these. He was emotionless and empty.

I finally tracked him down on a cold night in February, just north of the Canadian border. Winter, god, after living in New Mexico for all of my short life I had not idea what winter was. Cold doesn't even begin to describe it. The idea of cold is not realized until you have spent the night in an abandoned car in Ontario.

Did you know that the temperature gets into the negative numbers here? I didn't think that was possible. And yet again, I am sidetracked. I think the idea of going back has got me thinking about the weather. All I want is the hot sun beating down on me in the desert.

Again, a lie. That's not all I want.

I want a homecoming. I want to be reunited with my family. Not the homecoming that I've wanted since I was a child and not that distant far away family. Not anymore. Now I want Max and Isabel, even Liz and that goofy guy, Alex. And Maria. For the last year I've been searching for home, for answers and now I feel like I'm going home, and I am, just not the home I was hoping to find when I left. But at least this home is real. And people will be happy to see me. Won't they? Won't she?

Or will they have left me behind?

Away from these negative thoughts. I will deal with it when it happens. If it happens. If I'm strong enough.

Back to Nasedo. I finally found him. I followed his trail of power left across the country by his silver handprints. It took a while but I've been able to hone in on him for the past few months.

I have better control of my powers now. I guess anything can happen if you need it to enough. And without Max and Isabel I definitely needed it enough.

I talked to him in his sparse hotel room. He knew who I was immediately, of course. And then he broke my heart. He told me that my search was pointless and that there was no home planet left. There is no family waiting to take me away in a giant silver spaceship. He said that the planet, Corazon he called it, was ravaged by a vicious plague. That nearly everyone died.

The few survivors that were found to be naturally immune had to make a decision. They had no idea if any new children born would also be immune so the youngest and healthiest people were sent away in the hope of outrunning the plague and saving the species. They had to be sent far away so that the pain of the dead and dying in the collective consciousness of the planet would not be severely felt.

The six young adults were sent away on a well-equipped spaceship until they could find a hospitable planet. The strain of the long voyage and of missing their friends and families back home eventually got to them and the young adults began to pair off, some out of love, and some merely out of loneliness.

Nasedo had been in love with a woman named Amada. At this point in the story his eyes glazed over and I detected a faint trace of emotion but he hardened over again quickly.

When embryos were produced from these couplings they were placed in stasis as raising children on a possibly decade long trip was deemed unhealthy. All the travelers were hopeful that they would be able to revive their children once they landed. Then the crash happened.

All hands were lost; all except Nasedo and the three pods that eventually became Isabel, Max and I. He had been in the back checking on out life-signs when the alarm went.

The nursery was protected against just such a tragedy and so we were all carried safely to the surface of the planet, and to Roswell, New Mexico. We survived but not the others, not his wife, and not our parents.

Yep, as it turns out, Nasedo and his Amada had not been one of the couples blessed with children.

Max and Isabel were both created by one couple and placed in the same pod, and I was the bounty of another ad hoc relationship. So Max and Izzy are siblings after all, and yet again I am left out. Nothing is ever for me; I am never a part of something special. Maybe when I get back, maybe then, maybe Maria…. But maybe not. Maybe I am destined to always be out in the cold, away from the warmth of the sun.

The bus stopping jolts me out of my reverie.

I am in Denver, almost there.

I get out of the bus and stretch my aching muscles. This trip is taking too long and I am anxious to get back. Back to them. Back to her. After so long on the road I just want an end to this. If they are to accept me back, then I want it to have already happened. If not… I don't know what I'll do.

I have to figure out what I am going to tell them. The rest of my meeting with Nasedo was not nearly so easy to handle.

He told me that he has been killing people. That what Valenti believes is true. That he kills without regret.

It disgusted me at first, but then it made more sense. I mean he wasn't raised as one with the humans like we were. He saw them as more primitive, animalistic. He took what he needed to survive and if it meant killing them, then they died.

I asked him how he found the strength to keep living. He said that it wasn't about strength, he had no choice. Our people cannot kill themselves. It all has to do with the collective consciousness, apparently the pain inflicted by the consciousness, or Mente as he called it, when suicide is attempted is too great and the person passes out before they can complete the task.

A similar thing happens when murder is attempted, but it is usually more successful. The blank look in his eyes drops now and I can look into him and see all the pain caused by fifty years of loneliness and emptiness.

It is then that I realize that I never want to become this man.

I never want to spend my life on a never-ending search.

I don't want to be alone.

I asked him why he didn't stay with us and raise us. Why he abandoned us. He told me that he didn't want us to live like him. He thought that if we were found and raised by humans we would be able to find happiness and have lives here, not be tied down by the loss of Corazon as he was. That is what happened, at least for Max and Isabel. They have a family and friends. Even the potential for happy relationships if they ever let their guard down. Despite everything I have said to them I am glad that they have Liz and Alex (and Izzy thought I never noticed those looks, I mean they could melt steel).

I think I was just against them in the beginning because of my jealousy, both towards the only family I've ever had and because of my inability to be able to tell Maria how I feel. Maybe Nasedo was right. Maybe that was the best chance that any of us had for a happy life. Maybe I still have that chance.

After that epiphany, I looked back up at him. His eyes were still open and suddenly I knew why he was being so open with me. I knew what he wanted. I nodded slightly and reached for him. As my hand touched his chest he smiled, he actually smiled. I was so shocked that I dropped my hand and backed away. Still smiling, he looked at me and asked, "Who is Maria?"

I shrugged. "A girl. A special one."

His grin got larger. " We picked Earth because our bodies are biologically and genetically compatible with humans." At the stunned look on my face he started to laugh. Eventually I grinned too.

That should make things more interesting.

He grew sober once again and I approached him. I placed my hand on his chest and I willed his heart to slow. A dull pain began behind my eyes and images started to flash before me.

I saw a lush green plain and large clean cities filled with people. Then I saw the sickness approach like a dark cloud. I saw people whither and die. I saw the ship loaded with equipment for the long journey. The pain in my head grew worse as Nasedo's heart grew more and more still. I felt overwhelmed with love as I gazed on the image and I knew that that was Amada.

Next the picture of a young couple. He was tall and brown-haired with ears that stuck out just a millimeter too far and she was a breathtakingly beautiful blond. They looked very familiar.

I gasped as I realized that these were Max and Isabel's parents. The picture faded as I started to moan from the pain in my head. I started to waver, but I needed to see one more thing.

Nasedo didn't let me down. Another couple appeared. Not much older than me, he was tall with dirty blond hair and striking eyes. He was tickling a young woman with long dark curly hair.

They looked happy, my parents were happy. They looked in love, but not the sappy look-into-my-eyes love. A more passionate love. One that was strong enough to withstand anything. At that instant I knew that they had fought a lot when they first met, then the fights turned to foreplay, until they finally admitted their feelings.

As the pain grew worse I passed out. With a smile on my face as I thought of another relationship like that, and of another woman with fire in her eyes.

When I came to I was alone. The floor beside me was empty except for the outline of a person in silver. As I gazed upon it I felt at peace. Nasedo had finally gone home/

I searched his room and found a few dollars and a one-way ticket to Roswell. Either he knew I was coming or he had decided to come find us. Either way I figured he wouldn't be using it and as I looked at the bedside clock I realized I still had an hour to make the bus.

The rumbling of the bus underneath me finally lulled me to sleep. Except for when I passed out in Nasedo's hotel room I don't sleep very well or nearly enough. It's partially caused by the danger of travelling alone with little money but it is mostly caused by the dream.

Ever since I left Roswell I have been plagued by the same dream, a replay of the night that I left. I didn't tell them, Max and Isabel. I couldn't. I knew that if I did they would try and stop me, or they would want to go with me, and I couldn't let that happen. Like Nasedo did 50 years earlier I tried to protect them by allowing them a normal life with parents and friends and loved ones.

I did go to see her. I couldn't leave without saying goodbye to her. And I figured that then at least Max and Iz would find out where I had gone and why. This bittersweet encounter is the one that replays every night in my mind.

**************************************

I look at her asleep as I climb in through her bedroom window. God, she is so beautiful. Not perfect, that would be too frightening. No perfect girl could ever want me. I don't even think that I could want a perfect girl.

But this girl I want. It's like a buzz all the time. When she is around I can barely think because all my senses are so hypersensitive. When she isn't around my head clears, but an ache grows inside. I want her so badly. But it's not just about sex. I mean sex is a big part of it, but mostly it's about her and about me and about wanting something that is just mine. About wanting to bury myself, my body, my mind, my heart, so deep into her that I can't tell where I end and where she begins. I reach to touch her cheek and she smiles in her sleep and turns toward my hand. Her eyes flutter open and try to focus on me.

She sits up. Startled. "Michael?" she gasps, her voice still hoarse from sleep. "Why are you here?"

The smiled that has formed on my face from her bed-head and her elephant pajamas fades. I look up at her.

Her eyes start to tear up. God, she knows. I haven't even said a goddamn thing and she knows. "You're leaving, aren't you?"

I nod. "But it's not what you think. I'm not going home, I'm just leaving for a while, to look for Nasedo. To get the answers we need."

"So you're coming back?" she asks, trying not to sound hopeful. Her face lights up at my nod. "When?"

"I really don't know. When I find him? When I find out where I'm from?" Her face drops again.

I sit down on the bed and reach for her. She hugs me and starts to sob. I realized that this is the first time we have touched, heck the first time we have been alone, since the kiss on the wrestling mat. Since I broke her heart again.

I wipe away her tears with my t-shirt and I hold her head up with my hand. I kiss her gently. She tastes like sleep and tears and Maria. It's intoxicating, but I pull away quickly. I can't let this go any further, not tonight.

"Stay for a while?" she asks. I ease us down on the bed and I hold her as she chokes down her tears. I stroke her golden hair and I wait for her breath to slow. Once she is asleep I slip out of her embrace and out the window.

I allow myself one last look. "I will come back to you." I whisper into the silent room.

As I lower myself down I hear a sound as soft as a sigh "I will wait for you".

**************************************

I jolt awake from the dream. For once the dream is different. I never heard her reply before. It's probably just the hopeful ramblings of my unconscious, but maybe not. Maybe it is different now that I am heading back to her.

The bus pulls up at the station in Alburquerque and the few remaining passengers get off. The driver comes back towards me.

"You heading to Roswell" he asks.

I nod. Not quite sure why he's asking.

"Name's not Michael is it?"

At this I perk up. "Yes, it is." I answer, becoming wary.

"Well, every week when I pull into that station there is a young girl waiting. And every time she asks me if Michael has come yet. Pretty young thing. I feel bad when I have to tell her that he hasn't. She's been there every single week, when the only bus into that tourist trap comes, for the past year. But I guess today's the last day." As he turns to head up to the front again I fall back into my seat.

I try to process what he has told me. It must be her, my Maria. She really has waited.

A whole year.

I immediately make-up my mind. I told her once before that there would be no more running. But now I mean it from the bottom of my soul. No more running from life, from love, from Maria.

I am seventeen years old and I have been reborn. I am going to start again and this time I am going to do it right. Without the idea of a perfect home in my mind I am going to make the most of the life I have. This bus can't go fast enough.

As we approach the city limits I look ahead.

I move to the seat behind the driver and I peer over his shoulder. I keep stepping over the yellow line. But he doesn't seem to mind, he can see the eager look in my eyes and knows that I am the prodigal son. Anxious to be let back into the fold. We turn down Main Street and the bus station is up ahead. I can't look. Is she there? Is she waiting there for me?

The bus stops and I finally look out the window. There she is. Her hair has grown longer and it brushes her shoulders.

She has a look on her face bordering between hope and fear. She hasn't seen me yet and as I leave the bus I look towards her. There are tears streaming down her face. She looks so great.

I run towards her and scoop her up. She covers my face with kisses and I just breathe her in. As I set her down I realize that the tears covering her face aren't just hers.

"You waited for me." My statement comes out more like a question.

"Every week."

"So, I've heard." I grin and her eyes light up and then darken.

"Did you find home?"

I ease her fears with a shake of my head. "Czechoslovakia is gone," I say, hedging my words for the bus driver smiling at us out the window.

"So, you came back?" she asks. I can tell she still isn't sure of my feelings.

"I came home."

She smiles hesitantly. "I've never heard you call Roswell home before."

"Not home to Roswell. Home to you." Finally I have said the right thing I realize as she launches her self into my arms. This time I give her a good, sound kiss. She tastes just like I remembered. Like tears and fire and Maria.

As I set her down she takes my hand and starts to drag me off. "Where are we going?" I ask.

"To the school to see everyone else, of course." She becomes giddy.

I stop and she turns to look at me. "Tomorrow," I start, "we can see them all tomorrow. Today is all about us. Let's go for a walk in the desert. I need to feel the sun on my face."

She nods. I pick up my bag and we head out of town. I am finally ready to embrace this human life. I remember what Nasedo told me about why they chose Earth and I grin. This life won't be too bad.

End

****************************

All my Friends

Thought I might get a rocket ride When I was a child but it was a lie That I told myself when I needed something good At seventeen, had a better dream Now I'm thirty-three and it isn't me But I'd think of something better if I could

All my friends and lovers leave me behind I'm still looking for a girl One way or another I'm just hoping to find a way To put my feet out in the world

Caught some grief from a falling leaf As she tumbled down to the dirty ground Said I should have put her back there if I could But everyone needs a better day And I'm trying to find me a better way To get from the things I am to the things I should

All my friends and lovers leave me alone To try to have a little fun One way or another I just wish I had known To go out walking in the sun And find out if you were the one

Does it make you wanna come a little closer now> And did you wanna dance with me? Did you wanna hum a little harder now? Can you see her waiting there? Can you see her? Because I'm almost there Can you see here waiting there for someone like me?

All you want is a beauty queen Not a superstar but everybody's dream machine All you want is a place to rest your head You go to sleep dreaming how you would Be a different kind if you thought you could But you come awake the way you are instead

All my friends and lovers shine like the sun I just turn and walk away One way or another I'm not coming undone I'm just waiting for the day