What might have been if Liz had never been shot? How would my life be different? What might have been had you been of-this-earth? What might have been had we had a normal relationship like Max and Liz or Alex and Isabel? What might have been had I never gotten pregnant? What might have been had I carried the baby to term? What might have been had we admitted our feelings sooner? What might have been had I not started dating Brady? What might have been had you not left Roswell? There are plenty of things to wonder about during my long drive home, it makes the drive a little less boring and I each time I remember I feel my heart heal just a little more.

I truly believe that everything happens for a reason. That someone out there has a map laid out for our lives and we are just the players in his or her game of life. I don’t think I have regrets about anything that has happened, except for the fact that I never gave birth to our baby. That is and always will be my biggest if not my only regret. As for dating Brady, I don’t know. He was an experience I’ll give him that but I always wonder what would have happened had he not come along. Would we have stayed together? Would we have eventually worked things out? You finally told me you loved me after I met him, why didn’t you tell me sooner, by then it was to late. You told me you thought I already knew, I didn’t. Maybe I’m lying, maybe I always knew. I always knew that you cared about me, but never how much and you never voiced it. I suppose I’m also to blame because I never shared my feelings with you either. I believed that on some other level we both knew how the other felt. Until the baby.

When I told you about the baby you just silently accepted it. You never smiled, you never screamed, you never said anything and I never knew how you felt about it. I thought sometimes I heard you at night crying, but when I reached to comfort you, you were asleep. Was I dreaming or did I really hear the soft sobbing? I always wondered if you had actually been crying were they tears of joy or tears of sadness. Life went on as usual during the days, like nothing had changed. I wanted so badly to discuss the baby with you but somehow I knew you needed to come to me, when you were ready and so I waited. But you never had the chance.

I remember waking and seeing you standing over me with tear stained cheeks. I didn’t know where I was or what had happened. I looked at you and without hesitation you explained what had happened. You said I cried out to you and fell to the floor. When you couldn’t wake me you brought me to the hospital. You told me through tears that I had lost our baby. I couldn’t cry. I was in shock. Had I listened to you then would you have stayed with me? Had I cried would you have comforted me? Had I looked into your eyes would I have noticed the love you already felt for a baby that was never going to be, the family you wanted but never told me. I thought to myself, why didn’t you call Max, why didn’t you have him come over and try and stop what was happening, but I think you knew that it was already too late. You told me Liz had been here and that she loved me, what I wanted to hear was the words from you but I knew now that I never would.

In the end it was probably for the best. At times I blame myself, although I know deep down there was more then one reason that I lost our baby. You tried to comfort me as I grieved but I lashed out and blamed you, I never meant it, I never told you that. I should have seen your grief but all I could see was my own. I never noticed the lost look in your eyes as you came to terms with the fact that the baby we almost had would have completed our ‘family’, a family you so desperately needed and never fully had. Sure you had Max and Isabel but they had their own families and didn’t depend on you as much as before. Had you come to me and let the wall crumble down would I still have lost our baby, would we still be together. We’ll never know.

We started to drift apart soon after our loss. I met Brady and in my grief that’s what I thought I needed, a fresh start. We never had an official commitment and I naively thought that’s what I needed, a commitment. A normal relationship like Max and Liz and Alex and Isabel. You left Roswell soon after I met Brady but not before you crept in my window one night and told me how much you loved me and that you didn’t want to live without me. It was too late. Why hadn’t you told me sooner. I had built up an emotional wall that blocked you out, so I turned you away and you left. You left me, you left Max and Isabel the only family you’ve ever known, you left Roswell. Brady and I only lasted a few months but you didn’t know that, you were already gone. I wonder what might have been had you stayed in Roswell, would I have taken you back, would you have taken me back. I met Sean shortly after my break up with Brady and within 2 years we were married, so I guess will never have an answer to those questions.

I had a dream once shortly after you left Roswell that we were getting married. The only ones there were my mother and the two of us. Right then I should have clued in that something wasn’t right, where was everyone else who meant so much to us; we would never have celebrated something so important without them being present. Just before the ceremony I ran out, you chased after me but I got away. Maybe that was my subconscious letting me know that losing our baby was for the best and that Brady came along at that time for a reason, to drive us apart for good. We were never meant to be and that was life’s little way of letting us know.

I wish we were still friends sometimes. I’d like to know what became of you, so would Max and Isabel, and Alex and Liz for that matter. Did you find a way home? Are you happy? Did you ever have that family you so desperately needed and wanted? Will you ever come back? It tears at my heart sometimes to see the look in Max and Isabel’s eyes, the questioning, are you okay? Sometimes I feel that they blame me for you leaving, but they reassure me that they don’t. I try not care anymore, I know that’s impossible, but I ‘ve gone on with my life, have you?

I pull in the driveway now and turn off my car. I wipe away the tears that have fallen, like they always do and walk into the house I share with my family. Sean is sitting on the couch. He looks up when I walk in and smiles at me, he doesn’t notice the tears stains on my cheeks or the longing in my eyes for what might have been and if he does he doesn’t say anything, he never does. He accepted long ago that there is a part of my past that I will never let go of, that a small part of me heart will always belong to someone else. I smile down at the dark little bundle asleep in his lap. I bend to kiss Michael on the top of the head. I place a gentle kiss on Sean’s lips and wonder once again how I was so lucky to find him. I lift Michael from his lap and he stirs in his sleep.

“I waited up for you mommy,” he says in his sweet little voice. He yawns and wraps his arms around my neck. I kiss his cheek and he smiles back at me. I carry him to his room and lay him in his bed; he is asleep before I pull the covers over him. I stop by the baby’s room and place a soft kiss on Emily’s head so as not to wake her and I head back downstairs to Sean. I cuddle up next to him on the couch and whisper in his ear, I love you. This is my life now, this is my family and I’m happy with that.