You pretend you're bored

Pretend you're anything

Just to be adored

And what you need

Is what you get

Don't believe in fear

Don't believe in faith

Don't believe in anything

That you can't break

You stupid girl

You stupid girl

All you had you wasted

All you had you wasted

What drives you on

Can drive you mad

A million lies to sell yourself

Is all you ever had

Don't believe in love

Don't believe in hate

Don't believe in anything

That you can't waste

You stupid girl

You stupid girl

Can't believe you fake it

Can't believe you fake it

Don't believe in fear

Don't believe in pain

don't believe in anything

That you can't tame

You stupid girl

You stupid girl

All you had you wasted

All you had you wasted

You stupid girl

You stupid girl

Can't believe you fake it

Can't believe you fake it

You stupid girl--

*Stupid Girl*

Garbage

***

Michael felt the wind hit him as he left the Crashdown. Roswell was warm enough during the day, but at night it got downright freezing. He pulled his jacket tighter around him, but that wasn't really helping. He briefly considered heading home, but he wasn't in the mood to be belittled and abused today.

Hell, when he thought about it, the trailer wasn't really his home. They say home is where the heart is, right?

Shit. When you put it that way, 'home' was Maria DeLuca's house.

He really needed to stop thinking about her.

He didn't even need to worry about her safety, despite the dream. Liz was going to be spending the night at Maria's for the next couple of days, so Maria could at least be awakened if she got in trouble again. So why couldn't he get her out of his head for christssakes?!

He was almost able to convince himself that his concern was due purely to a brotherly protectiveness, 'almost' being the operative word. The way he'd felt when he kissed her was far from brotherly. Hell, he still wasn't quite sure _why_ he had kissed her, only that he hadn't really felt he had a choice.

The dark sky had been foreboding rain for a few hours now, now it made good on it's threat, water pouring down. For a second, Michael considered heading to Max and Isabel's, which was closer, but in the end decided against it. He was already wet, it didn't matter if he got any wetter.

A familiar red Jetta pulled up next to him. The window closest to him rolled down and Maria leaned over. "Get in." She said. It wasn't an offer, and offer he could have refused. This was an order, so he obeyed it.

"You don't have to..." he muttered.

"Forget it. I wanted to talk to you about something, anyway." She responded.

He mentally sighed. Of course there was something else, wasn't there always? "What about?" he asked.

"In my dream, the... creature... seemed surprised to see me, yet he -- it -- had come to _my_ dream, not the other way around. Shouldn't it have expected me?" she explained.

"I guess." Michael said.

"I think that, somehow, it got it's wires crossed and was trying to reach one of you three." She continued, glancing at him.

"Oh?" he muttered, turning to look out the window.

"It said 'you do not belong here', when in reality, _it_ was the one that didn't not belong there. It was obviously expecting someone else." She glanced at him again. "Well, what do you think?" she asked.

"Whatever." He murmured.

Maria slammed her foot on the brake, causing the car to screech to a sudden halt. " God, I am sick of you and your monosyllabic language! Say something! Anything! Argue with me, insult me, tell me I'm psycho for stopping in the middle of the street, anything to let me know that you actually hear me!" she screamed.

"Do you want me to get out of the car?" he asked calmly, turning in her direction but looking not quite at her.

For the first time since Michael had known her, everything seemed to drain out of her. All her witty comebacks and sarcastic comments were gone, and they left her bare, hurt, exposed. She couldn't even fake a smile. "So, that's the way it's going to be between us, huh?" she said sadly. "You aren't even going to get mad at me anymore? At least I always knew I could get on your nerves. That way, you'd have to notice me... you won't even let me have that?"

He looked away.

"Something happened last night, and I'm not talking about my dream. If you can look me in the eye right now, right here, and tell me that last night's kiss meant nothing, then I'll gladly drop the subject this minute." She said.

"I can't do that." He replied.

"Why not?" Maria challenged.

He let out a deep sigh. "Because when I look in your eyes, all I can see is myself. But not my real self, I see myself as _you_ see me. I can't take it, because it's someone I'm not, someone I can never be. Don't you get it?" he turned slightly, still refusing to look at her. "This is _me_. I'm the rebel from the wrong side of the tracks. I'm not going to buy you flowers, and I don't give a shit how your day was! I'll never be the person you want."

"I want _you_, Michael." She responded, sounding almost pleading. "I'm just in the process of finding out who you are."

"What you see is what you get." Was his response. He opened his door and stepped out of the car. "At this rate, it'll be faster if I walk. I'll see you around."

***

The door slammed shut. "I am a fucking idiot."

Liz turned. "It's nice to se you, too, Maria. Where have you been?"

"I gave Michael a ride home." She gave a sigh mixed with a mirthless laugh. "Well, half of the way home, anyhow."

"Why do I have the distinct feeling that Michael has something to do with your 'idiot' comment?" Liz inferred, cocking her head.

"I don't know what makes me more stupid - thinking that I might be able to change him, or not really wanting to." She leaned back against her door. "How do you and Max do it? Nothing comes between you two, not even his being from Czechoslovakia."

Liz smiled. "Don't go comparing Max and I to you and Michael. You two have a lot of emotional baggage that Max and I don't."

"Don't get all psycho-babble-y on me, Lizzy. I know that I have problems, but he happens to be one of them! I just wish that he'd give up the whole rebel-without-a-clue thing and admit that he cares about me!" she cried, exasperated.

"I'm sure he will, Maria, I'm sure he will." Liz said, trying to comfort her.

"Yeah, and pigs might fly outta my butt." Maria responded. "So, what CDs did you bring?" she added.

"Tori Amos, Sarah McLachlan, Lilith Fair... what strikes your fancy?" Liz asked, fanning out her CDs like a hand of cards.

Maria looked through the selection. "Jackpot! The Wallflowers, I love this one!" she exclaimed, picking out a disk. "Here, stick it in the player, I'm going to get changed."

As the CD began to play, stains of music floated across Maria's room. Liz brushed her hair in the mirror, smiling. She and her best friend didn't get chances to be alone like this anymore. Ever since that day at the Crashdown, things were... different.

A shriek exploded out of nowhere.

The brunette turned. Maria was half dressed, she had paused in the middle of putting on her nightshirt. She was staring at her bandaged arm, her eyes wide. Liz could easily see why.

The bandage was so soaked with blood, you couldn't tell that it wasn't supposed to be red. Under the bloody binding, Maria's arm had swelled to almost twice it's normal size. Along with the blood, a clear liquid was dripping from the bandage, flowing down her arm. Liz nearly retched. She jumped over the bed to her friend's side.

"It's okay, Maria. It's just swelled up a little..." Liz began.

"A little? A _little_?! It's huge! And why is it still bleeding? It's almost a day old, shouldn't it have formed a scab or something by now? And what's with the puss? It can't be infected, I wrapped it up as soon as it happened!" she babbled.

"Calm down, Maria. I'll call Max." Liz said, not knowing what else to do.

"No, that's okay." Maria said, trying to take deep breaths. "Hand me my cedar oil, would you? I'll be okay."

Liz handed the small vial to her friend. "Maybe we should call Max, just in case." She persisted. Maria sighed.

"If you want to call Max, go ahead. Just please don't use me as an excuse." She said. "I'm going to try and find another clean bandage, okay?" she added, finally pulling the shirt over her head, mindful of her arm. She left her room. For a moment, Liz stared at the phone. She still thought that Max ought to know, but she was worried that Maria was right, she was merely looking for an excuse to call her boyfriend.

When the phone rang, Liz jumped.

"Get that, would you, Liz?" Maria yelled from somewhere, probably the kitchen.

Liz picked up the receiver. "Hello?" she said.

"Liz? Is Maria there?" It was Michael. He sounded a little uncomfortable.

"Yeah, hold on, Michael." She replied, setting the receiver down on Maria's desk and leaning out the door to call to her friend. "Michael's on the phone for you." she yelled.

Maria's head popped out of the doorway at the end of the hall. "Michael? What does he want?" she asked, sounding uncharacteristically venomous.

"I don't know." Liz called back. "Do you want me to ask?" she added.

"No, just tell him to hang on for a second, I'll be right there."

***

Michael had the urge to hang up, as soon as he heard Liz answer, but he'd never forgive himself if he didn't apologize. No doubt Maria was pissed at him for being such a jackass in the car, and in all honesty, he didn't know why he'd been like that. When she'd told him that she wanted him, all he'd wanted to do was to reciprocate the sentiment, but he couldn't. He'd never had a family like the Evans', or a girlfriend, so he had assumed that he didn't deserve one. Having Maria want him seemed like a disservice to her.

But even so, he never wanted to hurt her.

When he heard Maria's voice on the other end of the line, he forgot his predetermined lines. He was _going_ to say how sorry he was, how he just had a lot on his mind after the discussion in the Crashdown, how he didn't mean to be such a bastard. He definitely didn't intend to say what he had said.

"Maria, I'm afraid to be in love with you." he said.

The was a long pause at the other end of the line, he would have though that she had hung up, except that he could hear her breathing.

"Why did you just say that, Michael?" She sighed, as if that was the last thing she had wanted to hear. "Why would you be afraid to be in love with me?"

"Because if I care that much about you, I'll just end up hurting us both." He replied. "You know what I am, and even if that wasn't true, you know what I'm like. I'm no good for you, and you know it."

"I think that I'm a better authority on what is good for me than you are!" Maria cried. "If I want to be with you, and you want to be with me, what's the problem?"

"It's not that simple, Maria. You know that. You were the one telling Liz to stay away from Max, just like I was telling him to stay away from her. We both know that we can't be together, it wouldn't work out." He said quietly.

"How did that saying go?" she said to herself. "'The knowledge of the mind cannot influence the desires of the heart.' I heard that from one of my mom's meditation books. No matter what I know, or _think_ I know, I have to follow my heart, because it's usual more correct that the mind." She gave a little laugh. "That's what mom thinks, anyway."

"That's not true." Michael replied. "You know what I'm talking about, Maria. No matter how badly we want this to work out, it's better if it doesn't."

"Tell me." she whispered.

"What?" he asked, uncomfortable.

"You know what. Tell me." she repeated.

"I..." he took a deep breath. "You _know_ I love you. That's why I have to do this."

He practically slammed the receiver of the pay phone into the cradle. He knew he shouldn't have hung up like that, but he couldn't stand to hear how cold her voice was. He knew she cared about him, maybe more that he cared about her, and it killed her when he was like this. He knew it, and he acted like this anyway.

Shoving his hands into the pockets of his jacket, he stalked away from the pay phone, heading vaguely in the direction of his house.