Ba ba da ba ba ba. What can I do; Ba ba da ba ba ba. I go straight to you; Ba ba da ba ba ba. I've been told; You're to have, not to hold; To look but not to see; To kiss but never be; The object of your desire; I'm walking on a wire; And there's no one at all; To break my fall; Like a moth to a flame; Only I am to blame

Ba ba da ba ba ba. What can I do; Ba ba da ba ba ba. I go straight to you; Ba ba da ba ba ba. I've been told; You're to have, not to hold; You're to have, not to hold; You're to have, not to hold

-Madonna, "To Have and Not To Hold"

One week had passed since that night at the Crashdown, and Maria found herself unconsciously testing Michael's theory about how the pain of them not being together would dull in time. Every morning, she woke up, and found that he had been wrong.

She eventually got used to not expecting to be with him. Just knowing he cared was enough, she thought. Whenever he, Max and sometimes Isabel would eat at the Crashdown, she didn’t always look at him to see if he was watching her. She knew.

***

Maria woke up abruptly, and looked at the clock. 2:43 A.M. She was never going to get back to sleep. She pulled her journal out from where it rested between her bed frame and mattress. She flicked the bedside light on, and grabbed a pencil from her nightstand.

Dear Journal,

I'm Maria De Luca, and I'm in love with an alien. Scratch that. A Czechoslovakian. That's what we call him anyhow. Sort of a code name, if you will. Michael Guerin isn't just any Czechoslovakian. He's my Czechoslovakian.

It would be bad enough if we couldn't be together because he didn’t care. He does care, but we can't be together because he's a Czechoslovakian, and one day he might go back to Czechoslovakia. He told me he doesn't want to hurt anyone when he does. I told him I was willing to take the risk, but he doesn't want me to. I'm not sure if it's me he's protecting or himself.

***

"My feet are going go on strike if things don't slow up soon," Maria hissed to Liz as they passed each coming in at out the kitchen. It was a particularly busy Saturday afternoon at the Crashdown.

"I agree," Liz managed to get in before she disappeared into the kitchen. Maria scanned the restaurant, and saw a few empty tables that needed cleaning. She grabbed a tub for the dishes, and set to work. She had collected some tips, and was almost done when she noticed Max, Michael, Isabel, and Alex sit down in Maria's section, of course. She sighed, and took her order pad out of her apron.

"Can I take your orders?" Maria asked, walking up to their tables.

"A root beer," Max said. "Coke," Alex piped up.

"Dr. Pepper," Isabel ordered.

"Cherry Coke," Michael said quietly. Maria wrote the orders quickly and walked away without meeting anyone's eye.

"She seemed a little tense," Alex said. Before anyone could say anything, Maria came back with their drinks. She set them out.

"Would you like anything to eat?" she asked.

"A cheeseburger and fries," Alex put in.

"Just some fries," Isabel replied.

"Hamburger with everything and fries," Max decided.

"Cheeseburger and fries," Michael finally said after a few moments of silence. Maria nodded, and walked away.

"She usually stops and talks. I wonder what's wrong," Alex mused. Isabel shot Max a look. It was obvious Maria hadn’t confided about Michael to Alex.

"Look at the place. She probably didn’t have anytime," Michael said, suddenly. Isabel looked across the table at him. How can he be so stoic? Isabel wondered. It was almost obvious he had feelings for her. Of course, you had to know him well to know that.

***

"They're out there. How can they be here? Why does he always have to sit in my section?" Maria muttered, putting the gang's orders by Jose, the cook.

"What's that, Maria?" Liz wondered, stopping for a moment with full load of food.

"Nothing. They're out there," Maria replied, grabbing a tray of orders for another table. She left the kitchen, with Liz close behind.

Finally, a half hour later, the restaurant calmed down. Liz and Maria were only cleaning tables, and getting a few to-go orders filled. Maria noticed with irritation that Alex, Isabel, Max, and Michael were still eating.

Liz found herself with a couple of minutes free time, and pulled up a chair to their booth. Maria conveniently decided to do inventory.

"What's up guys?" she asked, taking her antennas off.

"Nothing. Listen, Liz, our parents are out of town. Do you and Maria want to come over tonight? I think we could use some girl-bonding away from the guys," Isabel suggested. Alex shot her a mock wounded look.

"Sure. I'll go ask Maria," Liz replied. She got up, and replaced the chair. She went to the stock room where Maria was doing inventory. "Maria, Isabel wants to know if you want to sleep over her house tonight."

"What? Yeah, sure. Wait, is Michael going to be there? Because if he's there, I can't be there. I can barely stand to be in the same town with as it is," Maria started to babble.

"Maria, it's okay. I'll tell Isabel you don't want him there."

"It's not that I don't want him there, I just don't think I could handle it if he was. It just hurts so much being anywhere near him. Especially since now I know that he cares, and we can't be together because he's so damn stubborn," Maria burst out. Liz looked at her, amused.

"Feel any better?" she asked.

"Actually, to tell you the truth, I do. I should act out my feelings more often," Maria paused, then brightened. "Hey, if I slugged him, do you think that could help?"

Liz shook her head. "I doubt it."

"Probably right. I don't think I could do it anyway," Maria muttered. Liz looked at her with sympathy.

"Well, it's almost time to close. I'll tell Isabel you'll come over," Liz told her.

"No need," came Isabel's voice from the door way. The two looked at her with surprise. "Got tired of waiting."

"Ah. Um, Isabel, is it too much to ask if you could possibly make sure Michael won't be there tonight?" Maria asked, awkwardly.

"I can try. Don't expect any miracles, however. I do think he'll understand. He's become more understanding where you are concerned lately," Isabel revealed. She smiled at Maria's shocked look. "You do understand that's only because he doesn't want to hurt you, right?"

"Yeah. I've heard that line before," Maria grumbled, but smiled in spite of herself.

"Well, we'll see you after we close right Maria?" Liz asked her. Maria nodded.

"Well, I'll go finish eating," Isabel said, and she swung out the door. Maria sighed in frustration.

"God, I wish there was a way I could make him understand," she whispered. Liz smiled sadly at her friend.

"We have that in common," she said, softly.

***

"I'm glad you guys could come," Isabel said, as she opened the door for Liz and Maria. They came in, both lugging backpacks with clothing, CDs, and whatever else they deemed necessary.

"Thanks. So, who else is here?" Maria asked, trying to sound casual. Isabel sighed.

"He's not here. At least not right now. He promised not come over until late. It was the best I could do. He comes here because he doesn't want to be at home. I really can't take that away from him," Isabel explained. Maria suddenly felt bad for asking Isabel to keep Michael from the Evans’ house that night.

"You're right. I was being selfish, and I'm sorry," Maria apologized. Isabel waved it off. "It's okay."

"Let's bring your stuff up to my room. We'll go rent some movies and order some pizza," Isabel suggested. Maria suddenly wondered if this was a pity party for her. She then felt selfish again for assuming everything about her. It was going to be a long night.

***

"Let's get some scary movies," Isabel suggested.

"Like what?" Liz replied, looking in the horror section, and grimacing at some of the more explicit covers.

"Stephen King's IT. You are going to freak. Have you seen this?" Isabel asked, holding the video jacket. Liz and Maria shook their heads. Isabel grinned.

***

Michael walked the streets of Roswell aimlessly. He was just stalling until it was late enough to go the Evans. He was going to do what Maria seemed to want. Stay away from her. She hadn’t talked to him since that night at the Crashdown, and the only contact they had had was through the rest of group. He knew he had hurt her. He only wished . . .

"No," he said out loud. He knew there was no way to be with her and not hurt her in the end. It was better this way. If only she wasn't everything to him . . .

***

Here I am; Broken wings; Quiet thoughts; Unspoken dreams

Here I am; Alone again; And I need her now; To hold my hand

She's all, she's all I ever had; She's the air I breathe; She's all, she's all I ever had

It's the way she makes me feel; It's the only thing that's real; It's the way she understands; She's my lover, she's my friend; And when I look into her eyes; It's the way I feel inside; Like the man I want to be; She's all I ever need

So much time; So much pain (but); There's one thing; That still remains (It's the); The way she cared; The love we shared; And through it all; She's always been there

She's all, she's all I ever had; In a world so cold, so empty; She's all, she's all I ever had

It's the way she makes me feel...

-Ricky Martin, "She's All I Ever Had"

"I hate that song," Maria muttered as the song finished in the car. She used to like it actually. If not for Michael. Stupid Czechoslovakian.

"Maria, I thought you loved Ricky Martin," Liz said, surprised. Isabel shot Liz a look, and Liz caught the meaning.

Isabel pulled the Jeep into the driveway, and the girls went inside. Isabel quickly ordered the pizzas, and they settled in to watch IT.

***

Later that night, Maria couldn't sleep. If only her life was empty of problems like Isabel's and Liz's. Well, Isabel's anyway. And, somehow Liz could accept that Max wanted to keep her safe. She wished she was as accepting as Liz. She wished she could truly understand Michael's reasons for keeping them apart.

She pushed the sleeping bag that Isabel had lent her off, and stood up. She made her way downstairs and into the kitchen, where she got a drink of iced tea. A sound behind her made her spin around.

"Oh, hi Michael," Maria managed to choke out. At the sight of him, her throat closed up. She could feel a lump forming.

"Hey, Maria," Michael replied. She was amazed he could be so . . . unemotional. She knew he had feelings for her. How could he hide them so well? She sipped her drink as quickly as possible. Michael brushed past her to get to the cabinet to get a glass. He took one out, and turned around to see Maria rinsing her glass out.

"Well, see ya later," Maria said, putting the glass in the drying board. She turned to leave, when Michael grabbed her elbow.

"Wait," he said. She looked into his eyes, confused.

"What?" she asked, her voice almost breaking.

"We can't act this way around each other. It's not fair to either one of us," Michael announced.

"And how do you expect me to act around the guy who broke my heart to keep from hurting me?" Maria shot back. She almost missed the flicker of pain that was in his eyes for a split second. "Michael, I didn’t mean that," she started. She didn’t know how to continue.

"Yes, you did. And you have every right to be angry," Michael replied.

"No, I don't. Well, not really. I just don't understand why. I'm willing to take the risk, why can't you let me?" she whispered. Unshed tears shone in her eyes.

"Maria-"

"I have this feeling it's not me you're really protecting is it?" she asked suddenly.

"What?"

"You're protecting yourself," Maria told him. The look on his face revealed that he was realizing it, too.

"You're right. I'm afraid to get attached to you because if there's a way to go home, I might not want to go," Michael said, softly.

"And that's the reason? The real reason?" she asked.

"Yeah." Without a warning, Maria's arms went his neck. But she didn’t kiss him. She just held him close. And for that moment, it was enough. Maria finally understood Michael was someone she could have, but never really hold for forever.

Ba ba da ba ba ba. What can I do; Ba ba da ba ba ba. I go straight to you; Ba ba da ba ba ba. I've been told; You're to have, not to hold