I died that day they found out the truth. Not my body; my body still lives on. But my dreams are crushed. Isabel. God, her name still makes my heart pound that much faster. But we can't be together. Because she is meant for Michael. She was always meant for Michael.

And now my dreams are gone. Vanished. No, not vanished. Destroyed. Because all of my dreams revolved around Isabel at my side. And now that she is gone, I have nothing. My dreams were so much a part of me, now I have nothing. And my beautiful Isabel is out there somewhere fulfilling her destiny with Michael.

*~It's been raining since you left me
Now I'm drowning in the flood
You see I've always been a fighter
But without you I give up~*

Where does life go from here? Can there actually be something out there for me past Max Evans? I know that this is all my fault. I knew from the beginning that it was dangerous to get involved. But I couldn't let him go. And now my heart is broken. I wonder if I will ever be able to see anyone but Max. I doubt it.

I don't know if I want to live a life without him. He was, IS, everything that I could have ever wish for. He's more than that. He's Max. He is everything I want and more. But he's not mine. He belongs to Tess. That stupid alien who brought their stupid destiny with her. A destiny that I don't belong in.

*~Now I can't sing a love song
Like the way it's meant to be
Well, I guess I'm not that good anymore
But baby, that's just me~*

Michael Guerin ruined my life. That hygienically challenged butthole tore into and destroyed my life AGAIN, leaving me alone in my own self-pity. Does he even know what he's taken from me? He took my inspiration. And now I am a ghost.

I can't believe I am getting so torn up about that jerk. I swore to myself that I would never do this, that I would never let my life fall apart because of some guy. But then in came Michael, and he just had to sweep me off my feet without even meaning to. Without wanting to. And now I don't want to breathe without him. I need him to keep me alive, to keep my spirit alive.

*~And I will love you, baby - Always
And I'll be there forever and a day - Always
I'll be there till the stars don't shine
Till the heavens burst and
The words don't rhyme~*

I wish that I could hate her. I wish I could curse her name, scream with the wind until my lungs burst that she doesn't mean anything to me. But I can't. I love her. I can't escape it. So, this is what it feels like to be like them. To be in love with someone that they could never be with. Except they never loved us. She never loved me. Because past us, past Liz, and Maria, and me, there was their destiny.

They always had each other. It doesn't matter how many trips to the eraser room Michael and Maria went on. It doesn't matter how many songs I wrote for Isabel. Because after they found out who and what they are, Michael and Isabel found each other. But I still can't stop loving Isabel.

*~And I know when I die, you'll be on my mind
And I'll love you - Always

Now your pictures that you left behind
Are just memories of a different life~*

I hate Tess. I hate her for being the one that Max needs. But even more, I hate his mother. Max's REAL mother. Because she is the one who gave him his destiny. His destiny with Tess.

But I suppose I can't really hate them. Because they gave Max the one thing that he's ever really wanted. They gave him his answers. Even though with each of those answers, Max strayed further and further from me, I am glad he found them. Because he needed them more than me. I just wish that I could be as important to him as those answers. Because he is more important to me than anything else, and I would give my life to have him beside me one last time.

*~Some that made us laugh, some that made us cry
One that made you have to say good-bye
What I'd give to run my fingers through your hair
To touch your lips, to hold you near~*

Michael Guerin. Maria Guerin. I always pictured us being together forever. I mean, how could it be any other way? We complimented each other so well. When we were together, hell, even when we were apart, I could feel him opening up to me. And I could feel myself opening up to him. Everything between us was just so right. It was so real. But, then again, it was all a lie.

Because even though I want him so much every breath I breathe comes out with his name etched on it, he was meant for Isabel. His beautiful, perfect Isabel who is the family that I could never give him. But I love him. I can't forget him. I see him when I close my eyes; I can still taste his mouth, feel his hands on me. Every moment I live, I live for our memories. They are all I have left of him now.

But I'll be all right. Somehow, my life will work itself out, and maybe one day, I'll move on to someone else, and thank God for letting me experience Michael's perfection. Even though it wasn't meant for me. I'll be all right because I'm getting used to loving him so bad.

*~When you say your prayers try to understand
I've made mistakes, I'm just a man

When he holds you close, when he pulls you near
When he says the words you've been needing to hear
I'll wish I was him 'cause those words are mine
To say to you till the end of time~*

It hurts that Isabel has a destiny that I don't belong in. But she does. I remember a time where I believed that we were brought together by destiny. But it was only coincidence wearing a very convincing mask. She loves Michael. She is meant to be with Michael. And I am meant to be alone.

Does she even know what she's done to me? Does Michael know what he's done to Maria? Does Max know what he's done to Liz? They captured our hearts just to break them. And now they are going to live their lives paired up like destiny planned and leave us here alone. Hurt and alone. Because that's what we are now. Three shadows playing the roles of living, breathing people.

I just hope that Michael realizes how lucky he is. How lucky he is to have Isabel. She is a goddess, and he doesn't deserve her. He didn't deserve Maria. And if he ruins another good woman, I swear I will kill him myself.

*~Yeah, I will love you baby - Always
And I'll be there forever and a day - Always

If you told me to cry for you
I could
If you told me to die for you
I would~*

Even after all that's happened, after all the heartache Max has caused me, he still has me in the palm of his hands. I would do anything, risk everything for him. I have before. And I will again, if fate is kind enough to give me that chance. I want to risk everything for Max. I want to die for him. Because if I can't have him as my own, it's the next best thing.

I wish I could live in the past. Back when I knew without a doubt that Max was my soul mate. Back to when Maria and I would laugh about how we could stare at each other forever without a second thought. I want to go back to when he returned my love. But now that he has his destiny, his love isn't mine. Now, he belongs with Tess.

*~Take a look at my face
There's no price I won't pay
To say these words to you~*

I wish I could see Michael again. I wish I could just walk up and smack him in the back of that spiky head of his and just tell him off. I want to scream at him, and yell at him, and shout at him until he falls back in love with me. But I can't. That is the way we were, not the way we are. Because even if he came back with me, we would break up again. And then he would go back to her. He would go back to Isabel, and leave me alone again.

And I couldn't handle losing him twice to Isabel. Because Michael is everything. And I know I can't help losing him with this kind of finality twice. Michael is taste, and touch, and wind, and smoke. He is sight, and sound, and steam, and earth. He is the force behind everything, behind me. I smolder, and he washes the pain away. He submerges, and I pull him back up into the light. At least, that's how I always thought we worked.

*~Well, there ain't no luck
In these loaded dice
But baby if you give me just one more try
We can pack up our old dreams
And our old lives
We'll find a place where the sun still shines~*

Is it even possible that Isabel is telling the truth? Can she really love me? Is she really ready to just flip off destiny for me? That's what she told me today. 'I don't care about destiny, Alex. I care about you. The only destiny I care about is the one with you in it.' I couldn't breathe. She loves me? 'With all my heart.' I can't stay away from her. I have to see her again. I can feel my heart fill with anticipation like that first day at the old soap factory. She wants me. She said so. It must be true. Because Isabel never lies about matters of the heart. *~And I will love you, baby - Always
And I'll be there forever and a day - Always
I'll be there till the stars don't shine~*

It's not the same sitting on my balcony without the possibility of Max joining me. But maybe it's not too far fetched. Because he and Tess aren't an issue anymore. I could see it today, when I saw them outside of the Crashdown. They stood close together, but there was nothing between them. No passion, no fury, no love. Just acceptance. Max doesn't love her, and Tess doesn't want to change his mind. Could it mean that he wants me back? Will I have the chance to take him back? Something in my heart says yes. Because it is destiny. And I will wait an eternity until I can see him again.

*~Till the heavens burst and
The words don't rhyme
And I know when I die, you'll be on my mind
And I'll love you - Always~*