I know I can't be with you
I do what I have to do
I know I can't be with you
I do what I have to do
and I have sense to recognize but
I don't know how to let you go
I don't know how to let you go
I don't know how to let you go.

Maria tiptoed towards the door, her feet making a faint sound against the polished hardwood floors. She stopped in front of a door on her left and closed her eyes, taking a deep breath in. She said a silent prayer under her breath and wrapped her hand around the glass doorknob. She opened it a fraction and peered into the darkened room under her long dark lashes. The curtains were drawn and the streetlight across the road spilled into the room casting a shadow on Timothy. He was lying on his back, shirt off and Maria could see his biceps and firm back. She bit her lip, remembering how strong he was, so comforting. When he was in a good mood he would just sit with her and hold her. She would sit in his lap and trace her fingertips along his muscular body, he would kiss her neck, then she would turn her neck slightly and they would kiss.

Maria shook the memory out of her mind and turned her attention back to Tim, who was asleep. She felt a bitter laugh come on so she closed the door. After one of his "moods" as she tended to call them, after the argument, the fight, the beating he would be exathused. He would storm of to the bedroom while she was cowering on the floor and fall asleep as if in a deep trance. But the next morning every thing would be okay, she would feel him staring at her so she would open her eyes and he would look at her with those deep brown eyes and tell her how sorry he was, how beautiful she was and how it would never happen again.

"Get a hold of yourself DeLuca!" Maria commanded. Believing that if she said it, she could. "His bad for you Maria, you need to leave him, he keeps on beating you again and again" She said quietly "But you love him" she whispered.

Maria sunk down to the floor and started to pick up the shards of glass. Earlier on in the night Tim had gotten mad. He had seen a letter from Alex on the kitchen table and lost it.

"But Tim" Maria had tried to reason with him " Remember Alex is just one of my best friends? His happily married with kids remember?"

Tim wouldn’t take it "No!" He shouted and slapped her across the face " You’re a whore and you always will be"

Maria had watched with terror as he stalked over to the mantle and picked up their wedding picture " You don’t understand the sanctity of marriage Maria!" he shouted. "You would have resulted to nothing if it weren’t for me! You would have been left with your baby boy if it weren’t for me! You’re an ungrateful wench!" With that he smashed the picture onto the floor.

Maria stood up and pulled on Tim’s sleeve " Tim, please! The kids are still awake!"

"The kids? That’s all you care about isn’t it Maria?" His voice was getting louder and louder " Your precious children. Tell me Maria, is the new one mine?"

"Tim don’t" Maria said quietly.

"Don’t you dare fucking tell me how I should run my life!"

"I’m, I’m sorry Tim"

"Your sorry?" he shouted " Maria, I thought even you could do better than that!"

A baby’s cry interrupted them "I’ll get it" Tim said grouchily.

"No!" Maria shouted " Don’t, I will!" as she blocked the exit

Tim looked at Maria with fire in his eyes "Get out of my way Maria"

"No" Maria said firmly. " I won’t let you touch her."

Tim flung his arm out to Maria and pushed her hard, the impact pushed her away from the exit and onto the wall with a hard thump. Her head impacted the wall and everything around her was dizzy.

Maria shook of the memory and placed the shards of grass into a nearby bin, but left the photograph waiting on the table.

Maria tried to stop the flow of tears as she ushered her children in the car.

"Mommy where are we going?" Eliza asked her drowsily.

"We are just going on a little holiday Honey" she replied

"are we gonna see Grandma Amy?" Eliza asked " I really like her"

"I know you do Honey" Maria replied as she buckled her in. She took in the image of her four-year-old daughter Elizabeth Grace. She was so beautiful. She looked like the splitting image of Maria when she was her age. Maria looked over to were her eight year old son Michael was strapping four month year old Adia in her car seat.

"Thanks Mikey" Maria whispered.

Michael nodded " It’s okay Mom" he said seriously "are you okay?" he asked her his voice laden with concern.

Maria’s heart warmed within a second "I’ll be fine okay Mikey? We all will be"

Maria stepped into the car and adjusted the review mirror, she could see a purple bruise starting to form on her face, and she would have to pick up more concealer just in case she bumped into anyone she knew. She would have to think of something new to say, maybe that she slipped in the bath? Or had she used that one too many times already? Maybe she could say she was pushing Eliza on the swings and she fell over? But Eliza chats a million miles a minute to complete strangers, what if she said it wasn’t true? Maria racked her mind as she pulled out of the drive way and drove along the familiar street, she could always say that she was playing catch with Mikey and the ball had hit her. If anyone asked him that, he would say it happened. He kept things a secret just because she asked him too. He was a good son.

Maria kept her eyes on the Road and smiled bitterly as she saw a stop sing. Maybe it was a sign that she shouldn’t go? No. She told herself firmly. She was leaving Tim and she wasn’t going to go back.

"Mom?" Mikey asked her, from the backseat.

"Honey" Maria said quietly " I thought you had gone to sleep"

Mikey shook his head "No. Eliza is, and Adia is thankfully"

Maria smiled at his last remark as she looked at her two daughters in the review mirror, Eliza was completely out of it, he perfect pouty pink mouth hanging slightly open, her golden curls sprawled over her face.

She reverted her attention to her youngest, Adia. She was sleeping lightly, her perfect tiny hands clenching fists. She was just a baby, so easy for Tim to hurt. A cold wash of fear came over Maria as she thought of what he could do to a perfect innocent completely and utterly helpless child.

"mom?" Mikey repeated

Maria smiled at her son and turned her attention back to him, looking at him through the mirror "what is it honey?"

"How are we gonna to live by ourselves?"

Maria plastered a fake smile across her face " It’ll be fun Mikey, we can play games and toys together all the time and watch cartoons and have jello for breakfast!"

Michael looked at Maria seriously "But we left all the toys at home"

Maria nodded "I know and I’m sorry, but hey, we can buy some more right? Like, what about the new super hero you wanted to buy?"

Michael’s eye’s lit up "promise?"

Maria looked at him her eyes starting to water "Promise"

Michael grinned at Maria "so, do you promise about the Jell-o for breakfast too?"

***

Maria surveyed the room as she ushered Michael and Eliza in. "Its not that bad is it?" she asked her children. Eliza shrugged tiredly as she headed over to the closet of the two double beds. She crawled into it and put herself under the covers without a word.

Michael leant in and hugged Maria around her waist as she was holding Adia in her car seat in one hand, a huge back pack across her back. A friendly yet bored late night hotel worker had helped Maria with a few small backpacks and some of Adia’s baby things.

"Goodnight Mom" he told her quietly. Maria smiled warmly down at Michael her eyes shining with tears, he was strong and he looked out for her even though she was eighteen years older than he was. He reminded her so much of his father. His brown eyes, even his hair was getting a big puffy spike in it.

Michael released her and went to join his sister in the bed leaving Maria to tend to the newly wakened Adia "Mom?" he asked her questionary.

"What is it Mikey?"

Michael looked at her with a serious expression on his face " I love you mommy"

Maria bit down on her lip as she smiled at her son, she felt a warm surge of love explode on her heart and her eyes started to well up with tears as she stared at one of the most perfect things in her life, the first thing she did right, even if it wasn’t planned.

"I love you too" She replied back.

Michael nodded and crawled into the bed "I know mom"

Maria smiled and gently placed Adia down in her car seat that was acting as a pram for now. She fasted her in and cooed and her gently then placed a dummy in her mouth and her favourite toy to keep her amused.

Maria saw a coffee machine sitting on a bench above a tiny fridge and crossed the room to get to it. She sighed as she filled it up with water. She went through the routine of making a cup of coffee almost mechanically.

How long can I do this for? She asked herself. She placed her steaming cup of coffee down as she headed to her purse, she found her wallet and opened it, and it contained a credit card and a twenty-dollar note. Maria sighed, her credit card would barely cover the hotel room for two nights since she hadn’t been working recently from Adia’s birth and it was practically maxed out. Maria closed her eyes and hid her face in her hands. She couldn’t have her children live in a hotel room. She couldn’t go back to Amy...she shouldn’t have to pick up the pieces for her. Liz had her perfect life, she didn’t need to be brought down. Alex would murder Tim. Isabel, Max and Michael had all gone back to Czhelvokia. Maria tried to contain her sobbing, she was all alone, all she had were her children and Tim. And she had to go back to Tim.

***

Maria was once again staring in the review mirror, yet this time it was on the way home. She adjusted her review mirror to check on the kids, she had brought each Eliza and Michael McDonalds. Luckily, Adia was asleep. Eliza was happily munching into a cheeseburger thrilled at the prospect of a special treat while Michael looked dejected. He kept on picking up a fry and spinning it around. He had barely touched his Cheeseburger, Maria sighed. She was interrupted by her thoughts as her cell phone rang. She nervously got it from her bag and checked the caller ID it was Liz.

She answered the call "Liz hey!" she said brightly

"Maria! Thank God!" Liz exclaimed breathlessly.

" I was so worried, Tim called and he sounded so worried about you, he thought you had been kidnapped, you and the kids were gone and –"

Maria forced a laugh "Liz honey, relax. Everything’s fine"

"are you sure?" Liz asked her with concern.

"Yeah" she lied "Anyways Liz, I have to go okay. I’ll call you later"

Maria could imagine Liz on the other end of the phone looking confused and dejected. Maria knew that Liz had doubts.

"Okay" Liz said quietly.

Maria hung up her cell phone and turned into her familiar street. She took a deep breath as she drove into her driveway.

**TWO MONTHS LATER*

Maria and Tim sat side by side on the sofa, their bodies touching each other, Maria’s head on Tim’s shoulder, his head resting on hers, their hands and fingers entertwined tightly. Maria sighed in content "This has been a good aniveresery hasn’t it?"

Tim kissed Maria on the head "it has, hasn’t it sweetie?"

"Everything has been so perfect" Maria said as she twisted her new emerald and diamond stoned silver ring around her finger "You shouldn’t have spent so much on me" she told him affectiontely.

Tim laughed "only the best for the best woman in the universe"

Maria pulled slightly away and kissed him around the face and wrapped her arms around him as she crawled onto his lap "See Timothy Donald Logan, that is what I love about you" she searched his eyes "You are the sweetest man alive"

Tim smiled "sweetest man for the sweetest woman. It works"

Maria looked at him coyly "Is that right?"

Tim wrapped his arms tightly around her waist "oh it is. Baby, what’s the time?"

Maria rolled her eyes and crawled off his lap "How romantic? "baby what’s the time?"" she mimicked good-naturedly.

Tim wrapped his arm around her and Maria looked at her watch "11:14" she told him.

"Listen to the radio" he told her

Maria listened for a moment then groaned "Britney Spears latest? I swear that girl will not go away!"

"shhhh" Tim told her and Maria placed her head on his lap as she listened to the radio. She fidgeted during the rest of the song and then the radio announcer came on "we have a very special request. Here’s "Hanging by a moment" by the Lifehouse family, which is dedicated to Maria by Tim"

Maria shot up and looked at Tim "You did this?" she said with tears welling in her eyes "I haven’t heard this for so long!"

Tim pulled Maria off the couch and took her in his arms and the two of them swayed slightly to the music.

desperate for changing
starving for truth
i'm closer to where i started
i'm chasing after you

i'm falling even more in love with you
letting go of all i've held onto
i'm standing here until you make me move
i'm hanging by a moment here with you

forgetting all i'm lacking
completely incomplete
i'll take your invitation
you take all of me now

i'm falling even more in love with you
letting go of all i've held onto
i'm standing here until you make me move
i'm hanging by a moment here with you
i'm living for the only thing i know
i'm running and not quite sure where to go
and i don't know what i'm diving into
just hanging by a moment here with you

there's nothing else to lose
there's nothing else to find
there's nothing in the world
that could change my mind
there is nothing else...

desperate for changing
starving for truth
i'm closer to where i started
i'm chasing after you

i'm falling even more in love with you
letting go of all i've held onto
i'm standing here until you make me move
i'm hanging by a moment here with you
i'm living for the only thing i know
i'm running and not quite sure where to go
and i don't know what i'm diving into
just hanging by a moment here with you

just hanging by a moment...
i'm hanging by a moment here with you

Tim pulled slightly away from Maria but still held her tightly "I love you" he whispered

"I love you to" she repeated and leant into him again.

**SIX MONTHS LATER**

"Hey Liz" Maria said softly as she took the seat opposite her friend.

"Maria" Liz said as she reached over the table and hugged her "How is everything going?"

"It’s great" she lied as she dropped her eyes to her waiting coffee as she stirred some more sugar in.

"Are you sure?" Liz asked her

"I’m fine"

"Maria, that’s the eighth spoon of sugar you’ve put in your coffee" Liz told her, her brown eyes wide with concern.

Maria dropped the spoon she had been stirring with onto her saucer with a loud clang.

"I’ve developed a sweeter tooth" she lied.

"You haven’t been yourself lately Maria"

Maria rolled her eyes " Stop telling me that Liz. We just haven’t caught up for awhile. How long are you in Boston again anyway?"

"I go back to Manhattan Tuesday"

Maria nodded "Hows the kids?"

"Claudia enrols in first grade in September, she’s looking forward to it. Matthew is walking all around the place " she grinned at the thought of her kids "That’s also why I came down here"

Maria frowned " I thought it was for business?"

Liz smiled "part of it" her brown eyes shone " I’m pregnant again Maria"

Maria grinned, her eyes dancing " Really?" she shouted

Customers in the coffee shop turned their attention towards Maria and she hid herself behind a breakfast menu.

"When’s it due?" she hissed

Liz leant it "December" she whispered

"Three months?" Maria questioned

"Yep. You’re the first to know" she confided

"Even before Brad?" Maria said incredulously

"I wanted you to be the first to know. It’s a girl"

Maria’s eye’s shone "I am so happy for you!"

Liz smiled "I’m completely on cloud nine. I want you to be the god mother again Maria"

"well duh" Maria told her as she reached out for Liz’s hand over the table " I wouldn’t have it anyway"

Liz smiled "and, I was wondering, would you mind it if I called her Maria?"

Maria’s lower lip started to tremble with tears of happiness " That would have had to been the sweetest things anyone has ever said to me"

Liz laughed and pulled Maria towards her and hugged her close "I’ve missed you so much!"

Maria closed her eyes, she felt so safe in the arms of her best friend. " me too….ouch" Maria suddenly said

"What’s wrong" Liz asked her

"Nothing" Maria said quickly.

"it wasn’t nothing" Liz told her " I moved my hand slightly and –"

Liz mimicked her motions and Maria drew in her breath again as Liz touched her bruise.

"uh-huh" Liz said as she started to roll up Maria’s white three-quarter-length top

"Liz don’t" Maria protested.

Liz didn't listen and Maria closed her eyes as she could feel Liz’s eye’s bore into Maria’s fresh purple bruise. "How did this happen Maria?"

Maria closed her eyes, think of an excuse Maria, think of an excuse.

" I um..I.."

"You what?" Liz accused her, her voice with a hint of aggression.

"I knocked into the side of the car" Maria fibbed

"You knocked into a side of a car?" Liz repeated with sarcasm

"Yes" Maria said " I was wresting with all of Adia’s baby gear and I accidentally fell into the car"

"right" Liz told her not believing a word of it "I know what’s going on Maria, don’t try and hide it"

"there’s nothing going on Liz, I swear." Maria told her.

Liz gazed into her coffee "We used to tell each other everything Maria. What ever happened to us to make you not trust me?"

"Of course I trust you Liz" Maria said as she stood up car keys and handbag in tow "Look, I've gotta go"

Liz looked at her with surprise and dejection in her warm brown eyes "but you just got here!"

Maria leant down and kissed her cheek " I’m sorry Liz but Mikey has softball practise. I’ll call you at the hotel tonight."

"Sure" Liz said softly as she spun her spoon around in her coffee cup "Later"

Maria put on her best bubbly voice "Later!" she spun on her heel and walked out of the room quickly away.

***

"Hey Maria" Tim said as he kissed her on the cheek as she entered the house.

"Hey baby" she said as she wrapped her arms around him.

Tim’s eyes sparkled mischievously "I’ve got a present for you"

Maria smiled at him happily"A present? for me?"

Tim nodded and kissed Maria on the nose "Yep. Well, I thought you needed a vacation, that we" he corrected "needed a vacation"

Maria’s eyes lit up " A vacation?" she asked incredulously.

"You, me no kids" Tim responded

"No kids" Maria repeated slowly "I do like the sound of that "We could get my mom to watch them"

Tim’s brow frowned "The kids stay with Amy? I don’t know about that Maria" as he released her and begun to pace the room.

"Why not?" Maria asked "The kids love mom"

"She’s not, the most…grand-parental person in the world"

"Gran-parental?" Maria responded incredulously "Just because she doesn’t knit sweaters and send underwear for Birthday and Christmas presents and play’s bridge for Christ sake doesn’t mean she’s not a good grandmother!"

Maria paused and bit on her lip as she started into Tim’s angry eyes and pulsating forehead "Tim, I’m so sorry!" She started as she put her hand on his arm " I didn’t mean to-"

"Didn’t mean to what?" Tim yelled "Insult my mother? How dare you Maria!" He cried.

Maria watched powerless as he brought his arm up and flung it towards her face. It seemed like an entirety before his hand sometimes so soft, so loving impacted with the pale soft flesh of her face,

Maria suddenly saw Michael in the doorway "Mikey, go! Leave! Go to your room" She told him as she cried. "No!" Michael stated firmly.

Maria shook her head as he eyes overflowed with tears "Mikey honey, please leave" She begged. Her eyes connected with his deep brown eyes "Please Mikey honey leave. Now"

Michael shook his head and walked firmly towards Tim "Don’t hurt my mom anymore" he told him.

Tim sneered at Michael "Don’t ever tell me what to do boy. Now leave"

Michael stared at Timothy "No" he said simply as he walked over to Maria and put his arm around her "I’m not leaving Mom"

Tim laughed bitterly and walked towards Michael and snatched him from Maria’s arms in total and utter rage. He held him away from him by the neck of his shirt and brought his arm forward and punched him in the eye. Maria ran forward in terror and wrestled with Mikey and held him in her arms as she cried.

***