On these restless nights, I often think about everyone in my life. How I've helped them, healed them, saved them.how ungrateful they are. I think about how much I've hurt them too. The guilt always overpowers the arrogance. Is this what made me a passive king in that other life?

Sometimes I want to leave them all behind. I'm tired of them treating me like a little boy when I don't have all the answers, but thinking I'm an egotistical ass when I tell them what they should do. Pick an attitude and go with it! You either hate me or you don't. But if you hate me don't expect me to keep saving you. Yet I always do.

When the moon blinds me at night while I'm lying on that worn couch, I think of Isabel. My sister, she's like the moon. So beautiful.so strong.so blinding and overbearing. She takes and takes and takes because she knows I'll give. But now she's married and finished with high school and thinks she doesn't need to take from me anymore. I know differently. Lately, she seeks advice from Michael instead of me. That's fine. She believes she can show her resentment towards me if she ignores me. I see through it though.Isabel doesn't tell me things because she doesn't want to disappoint me. She still needs her brother.she still needs this king.

Tess needed a king too. I still haven't erased her from my mind, my body. I can't.not sure I want to. I'm still amazed that my first time was with her. It seemed like a good idea at the time. I was there, she was there. She didn't hate me.

That's the night I learned she needed this king. Everyone was intimidated by Tess-hell, I even was. She was so strong and sure, or at least that's we all thought. But that night in the observatory.she wanted to be controlled. And she loved it.she drowned herself in it.in me. It's not that I really loved her.it's not that I truly wanted her.I just couldn't resist her. I wasn't a big enough man, or alien king I suppose. She called me a boy. A boy. I wasn't just a boy that night was I, Tess? I was a god until you got me, then I was just a boy.

I could say she was just a little girl, or a bitch, or just pure evil. But I'm drawn to the darkness sometimes. Michael said he's heard me whisper her name in my sleep. He said let it go, don't worry about it. I do anyway. She's gone far away from here, so why does she still have me somehow? I bet she knows as she stands in Antar, that here on Earth I'm lying thinking about her. That bitch.that beautiful, magnificent bitch.

And then there's Liz. My life, my love, my passion, my absolute torture. The hurt is unbearable when you love someone this much. The pain is indescribable.it hurts to love Liz Parker. She's so beautiful and brave and intelligent. When I see her I feel it in my chest. My heart feels like it's going to break from absolute pleasure.or maybe it feels like it's going to break because I just don't know if she'll ever look at me the same again. I stare at her as if she's a queen, much higher than I am. But her gaze now.it reminds me of Tess's; I was once like a god and king to her, now I'm just a boy. Nothing is more frightening, except that my son may grow up just like her.

At least my son would be able to take care of himself.

I know she loves me. I know she will stick with me, no matter what. Even if she gets mad and doesn't talk to me for a while.she still dreams of me and thinks of me. She will never rid herself of Max Evans. Even if she wanted too, even if she tried to convince herself that her love for me was now out of loyalty, it wouldn't matter. I possess her heart and her thoughts. I'm the only man that will ever have that much control over her. Liz Parker is not the kind of girl to let anyone, particularly a male, control her. Yet I lose myself in glory because she is so very submissive for this boy she wants to make a man.

She doesn't know that's what makes me King Zan of Antar; to have people bend and flex just from my word or gaze.

Did I mention that I love her more than life itself?

The blaring music starts to end, and I know once again that I can't leave them behind. I have to protect them. I have to love them and be their guiding force. Who else can they turn to when the bad guys show up? Who else is going to put up with their crap? I'm in charge.I have to stay. There is no choice in my life, only requirement.

You don't think I would actually say that I only stay because I need them to protect me?

The music stops.good night Michael. The clouds hide the moon.good night Isabel. The sweat and tears stop.good night Liz. The chills stop.good night Tess.