I can't remember a time when I've felt comfortable being just myself. There's always a disguise, always a role to play. I've spent so much time pretending to be other people that I never took the time to learn who I really am. I know my real self is in there somewhere, buried beneath all of the other layers. I've just never been able to take the time to let her come out and experience the world.

"I just want to be
Happy again"

I'm sure there was a time when I was happy. I have vague memories, of warmth, of comfort, of love, and I'm sure that I was happy then. The only problem is I'm not sure if they are true memories or just something I'm making myself see. Sometimes I see things that I think are real, and it turns out it's only something I'm projecting with my own mind because I want it so badly.

"I just want to feel
Deep in my own world
But I'm so lonely
I don't even want to be with myself anymore"

I've never had any friends, never had any real family. Sure, Nasedo has been with me, off and on, but he feels about as much affection towards me as you or I would feel towards a rock. I've always been alone.

"On a different day
If I was safe in my own skin
Then I wouldn't feel
Lost and so frightened"

I think it could have been different, if only they hadn't left me. I would have grown up with them, and they would have been my family. I think if I had been there, everything would have been different.

"But this is today
And I'm lost in my own skin
And I'm so lonely
I don't even want to be with myself anymore"

But they did leave. He looked at me, and I could feel his presence. I wanted so desperately to call out to him, to tell them to wait for me, not to go. But I couldn't, and one by one they left the cave. To this day, I'm not sure why. Maybe it's my destiny to be alone. I'm such a horrible thing that no one could ever possibly want me, or need me, or love me.

"And I'm so lonely
I don't even want to be with myself anymore"

Now, even after finding them again, I'm still alone. I'm more alone now than I ever have been. At least before I had my dreams, my fantasies of what life with them would be like.

"And I'm so lonely
I don't even want to be with myself anymore"

Now I know what life with them is like, and I know that they don't trust me, they don't like me, they would prefer to go back to how things used to be when they didn't know I existed.

"I just want to feel
Safe in my own skin"

I thought they would understand what my life has been like. I thought they would have been playing roles as much as I have. But they don't understand. They've had each other, while I've been lost with only myself, and not even the freedom to be myself. So I play at being the popular, carefree girl who flirts with all the boys. I play at being the loving, attentive daughter of my loving, attentive father who is oh so rich and important. I play at being the spy. I play at being so many things, until I'm not sure what I really am anymore.

"I just want to be
Happy again"

All I've ever wanted was someone who loved me enough to let me discover who it is that I really am so that maybe I could be happy. All I wanted was a family. Is that so much to ask for?

They left me, and they don't trust me now. I see their eyes whenever I'm around them, guarding their secrets. They don't love me.

It's hard. I've loved them my entire life, without even knowing anything of them other than the memories of when they abandoned me. I loved them despite their leaving. They're the ones who left me! This wasn't my choice; none of it's been my choice…. Why don't they love me? Why don't they feel the same yearning for me that I feel for them?

I must truly be horrible, if they can't even bring themselves to love me a little bit, if they can't bear to let me become a part of their lives.