I haven’t kept a journal since I was a kid. I guess this isn’t really a journal. I’m writing on the back of my marriage license. Max would laugh at me if he knew I had it with me. I just wanted it with me, because if he succeeds, everything will change and…I just needed it with me. If Max succeeds, I won’t be here anymore. My last 14 years will be different and the person that I am now just won’t be. The night we got married will never have happened, that beautiful night when we danced and danced. Oh God, what have I done. I love him so much. Sending him back to stop us from making love that first night was my idea. I know it’s our only hope, but it’s so hard. That night we cemented our relationship forever. We became one, we inseparable from that moment on. But we can't be together like that. We need to be apart in order for Max to accept Tess.

Max told me he could never love Tess and maybe that’s true, but he wouldn’t even accept her as a friend, or as an ally, with me in his life. Max needs Tess. She needs to stay in Roswell with Max, Michael, and Isabel. That is the only hope for all of us. I just hope my past self can do this. It’s a lot to ask of her, of me.

I have no regrets about my life with Max, but our love couldn’t withstand everything like we once thought and his destiny did catch up with us. When I watched both Isabel and Michael die, I knew that. They were my family, along with Max, and now they are gone. Everyone is gone and my only hope is that somehow Max can get Tess to stay in Roswell and that makes a difference. I just hope that my new life, if Max succeeds, will also be without regrets.

Journal entry eleven…Oct 30th

Max just left. My father thinks it’s kind of funny that he keeps coming to my window to try to woo me back. Luckily, my dad doesn’t ask me why I’m not with him. I mean what could I tell him. ‘Max is an alien Dad and he has a destiny he needs to follow so he can save his home planet’. Tonight Max decided to do more than just come to my window. I’m not sure how he did it, I guess he used his powers or something, but the Gomez song ‘We Haven’t Turned Around’ was playing in the background when he stopped by. That was the song that was playing on my radio when we first kissed. He climbed up the balcony to see if I would talk to him. I couldn’t talk to him. I couldn’t even open my window. I know it’s not meant to be and it’s too hard to keep pushing him away. So he used his powers to turn up the music until my father came into my bedroom and asked him to leave. I just sat back and watched as my father went to the window and opened it and asked him to leave. Max was polite to my father and apologized for the disturbance then smiled at me and left. My father could tell I was upset so he left the room without saying anything. I don’t know if I can continue to do this.

At least Maria is happy. She and Michael have kind of made up, but you can never really be sure with those two. She’s not as worried about Courtney though. In fact, she’s taking Alex and me somewhere tomorrow night where we can finally have all of our questions answered. Whatever that means!!

Journal entry twelve…Oct 31st

Maria took us to this psychic earlier. Madam Vivian was her name. I’m usually not the type to fall for those types of things, but she said some stuff, regarding Max that made me think she might be real. My scientific mind was screaming ‘no’, but my heart was telling me ‘yes’. She said Max was important, a leader and she said that he would chose me over his destiny and that we would have a beautiful life together. If only it were true. Max is the love of my life, if only he and I could be together. She said I was going to marry my true love. I’ve day dreamed several times about marrying Max. I have my Grandma Claudia’s wedding veil in my hope chest. I would love to get married in that. It doesn’t hurt to dream, right? Maybe Max and I will get married and live happily ever after.

Maria and Alex didn’t get such good news from their psychic readings. The psychic told Maria she had 48 hours. Maria was joking how she in rush to get back to Roswell to capitalize on those 48 hours, but I could tell she was upset about the reading. She does love Michael and more than anything she wants to be there for him. Alex was told that he was Isabel’s friend, her foundation, but would never be anything more. Poor guy, I hope he can get over Isabel soon. I hate seeing him like this, but I don’t know how to help him. He’s one of my best friends in the world, if only there was something I could do.

Later…

I don’t know if I believe what just happened. Max came back from the future? It looked like Max, it sounded like Max. His eyes were like Max's only older, more tired. He knew that my Max would come to my window with a Mariachi Band. It can’t be. He said he needed my help to change the future. He said 14 years from now our enemies would take over the earth if I didn’t help him. This is like a bizarre dream, only I’m awake. He’s gone now, but he said he’d be back. What could I do that will help him change the future? I don’t get it. He told me I couldn’t tell anyone he was here. Who could I tell anyway? If I told anyone, they would put me in an insane asylum.

I couldn’t believe it when I saw Max with the Mariachi band. I never thought he would do anything that cheesy. He was so sweet. Luckily my Dad didn’t ask me about him again.

I’m scared at what the appearance of a future version of my Max may mean. What can I, a 17-year-old girl, do to prevent the destruction of earth in 14 years? This is so confusing. Maybe it is a dream maybe he won’t come back. I need to think about this logically. Why would he choose to come to me? And why now? I guess if he comes back tomorrow, I’ll have a lot of questions.

Journal entry thirteen…Nov 1st

Why is this happening to me? What did I do to deserve this? All I want out of life is to be happy, but I can't be happy if I have to hurt Max. The look in his eyes tonight when I told him I didn't want to be him, that I wanted to be with normal boys. I don't want to be with anyone else. I want to be with Max.

How is this possible? When Max came back he said that he couldn’t reveal too much. I wish he had stuck to that, because I have to somehow push the love of my life away and when I do this I will lose my life, my wedding day, my wedding dance. I don’t know if I can do this. I love Max so much. How can he ask me to help him fall out of love with me? All I really want in life is to be with Max and for him to love me.

My first attempt to push Max away was going to Tess. I tried to tell her how she could get Max to notice her. That was really hard. She wasn’t very receptive at first, but in the end she realized that she did need help. I don’t trust Tess, but Max said she can’t leave Roswell or we’re all doomed. But going directly to Tess didn’t work. My Max could tell something was up and he saw me across the street in the Congresswoman’s office. He told me that he wouldn’t give up, ever. He kissed me and I saw and felt our love in that kiss. How can do that to me when we're not meant to be?

When my first attempt failed, I went to Max’s house and told him I wanted a normal life and my life with him could never be normal. I lied to Max and told him I wouldn’t die for him, but I would die for him. I would die a thousand times for him, not only because he saved my life, but also because I love him that much. It was so hard to stay those words. I don’t know what else I could do to push my Max away, but Max told me I had to find a way or all will be lost. He said that Michael and Isabel were already dead in his time that Michael was lying dead in his arms 20 minutes before he arrived in my time. Oh my God, I have to help him somehow. I can't let my relationship with Max be the cause of so much destruction. I just don’t know how to help. My Max won't give up.

Max told me that my Max and I would make love tomorrow night and that I can’t let that happen. I’m not ready to make love with anyone, at least I don't think I am. But I remember how it was when I was with Max last spring. We came close to making love then. It was hard to stop. When Max touches me, my body comes alive. He has a power over me, a power that I don’t understand, but I could easily get lost in that power. I have to find a way to push my Max away. But how? What could I do that would turn Max away from me forever?

Journal entry Fourteen…Nov 2nd

Well I did it. I pushed Max away for good. I can thank Maria for the idea. The look on his face when he saw me in bed with Kyle, it broke my heart. I’m alone now and I may be alone forever. I did have my Wedding dance, but it was too brief and I didn’t get to dance with my Max.

I can’t even share what happened over the last couple of days. How can I go through this alone? How am I going to explain to Maria about Kyle? I can’t tell Maria the truth, she’ll tell Max. I can’t talk to anyone about this. I am truly alone.

When Max and I were dancing on the rooftop, I was alive for the first time in months, but when he disappeared I realized that that may have been the last dance I would ever have with Max. Max told me that my future is open and that I could chose my own destiny. He said maybe it was better for me to be without him, suggesting I could be with somebody else, somebody like Kyle, someone human. I could never be with anyone else. Max is the love of life and everyone else would be second best.