And what you've done is right.

It's been such hell, I wish you well

And hope your safe tonight.

****************************

We were going to go fishing tommorrow.

Yeah, I know what your thinking. Isabel? Fishing? Not a chance.

But she said she wanted to go. Something about trying new things.

She even seemed excited.

I can't help but wonder if perhaps the reason for her excitement lay in the fact that she knew she would never have to go through with it. I certainly wouldn't put it past her.

I also have to wonder if maybe this little fishing expedition we had planned pushed her over the edge. Perhaps given the choice, Isabel would much rather choose death, than spend an afternoon with me, fishing.

Michael thinks I'm being irrational.

This coming from a guy who seems set on the fact that he single-handedly drove Isabel to suicide.

He won't tell any of us why he believes this, and I don't think he could tell us if he wanted to.

While we're on self blame, I'd like to point out that many people tend to blame themselves for the death of family or friends, suicides especially.

It really is quite amazing. Funny I never noticed.

Then again, I've only ever known two people who died, and I don't think Nasedo counts.

I blame my current situation on that fact.

Let me explain...

As I am so very inexperienced with death, I do not understand how to deal with it.

I simply do not comprehend Isabel's death.

Don't get me wrong, it's not as if I don't know she's gone, I do, just not the way I should.

I think a part of me understands she's dead, and isn't coming back, but another part of me believes that she is simply on a trip, and will return shortly.

It's really quite an odd sensation.

Over and over in my head I tell myself she's dead. I try to explain to myself what those words mean, but something up there just isn't connecting.

The words sting when I say them, like maybe i've been slapped, but not hard. Not the way I should.

I feel slightly better knowing that I cried when I heard the news. I cried like everyone else there in that room. My only problem was that I did not cry for loss of the love of my life, but rather to provide some sort of comfort for the others with me.

It makes me feel so inhuman.

Liz is coming soon. On the phone she said something about comforting me. I only wish I needed it.

But then, I never could be normal, could I?

I remember the dreams I have about my Isabel. About her hair, and her lips, and her smell.

She's so heavenly.

I even dreamt of our marriage. In my dream I wore a tux, and she wore a white, long, strapless gown. She looked ravishing. Maria, Liz, and Tess were her bridesmaids, and Max and Michael were my best men, or whatever they call them. Her white dress swished as she walked down the aisle, and she had such love in her deep brown eyes. When we kissed I saw sparks.

It was quite a dream.

I never did tell Isabel about it.

And now, now she will never know. She will never know how much I loved her, and still do love her.

And now we will never have our perfect wedding. In fact, we won't have one at all.

There will be no more Alex and Isabel. Isabel and Alex.

It will only be Alex.

All alone and dying on the inside.

Oh god.

Isabel.

****************************

Dear Isobel I hope your well

And what you've done is right.

It's been such hell, I wish you well

And hope your safe tonight.

****************************