Father of mine
Tell me where have you been
You know I just closed my eyes
My whole world disappeared

*********************************************

Kyle hasn't eaten a bite since he found her. He thinks I don't notice when he pushes his food around on his plate and then gives up and dumps it in the trash. Hell, he thinks I don't notice anything. That I didn't realize he was sleeping at her house practically every night for two years. That I didn't care where he was.

I know he's right about the last one.

I didn't care. Not enough.

Maybe if I'd cared, he would be eating now. He wouldn't be walking around like half a shadow. Maybe Tess would still be alive...because I could've gotten her some help. I could've gotten my son's girlfriend some help. If I'd known. If I'd just looked up once.

But I didn't. I went to the station every morning. Went to the UFO Center every afternoon to talk to someone else's son and assure him I was there for him. And came home every night to an empty house. And didn't question it.

I held him in my arms once, as he was dying, and promised....I promised him and I promised God that I would be a better father. That I would take time with my son. That I would stop taking him for granted. I really didn't think I was lying. At the time, I thought I was being as honest as can be.

It's pretty sad when a Sheriff can't even identify *himself* as a liar.

*********************************************

Father of mine
Take me back to the day
When I was still your golden boy
Back before you went away
I remember the blue skies, walking the block
I loved it when you held me high
I loved to hear you talk
You would take me to the movie
You would take me to the beach
Take me to a place inside that is so hard to reach

*********************************************

I swore I wasn't going to be like my father. That I wasn't going to follow some damn fool crusade and chase aliens while my wife sobbed and my son grew up ashamed of his name. I should've known that I couldn't live up to the challenge when Michelle walked out the door. I should've known when I stopped going to Kyle's basketball games. When I lost count of the trophies he brought home and had no idea what they were for. I should've known when we stopped talking to each other. I sure as Hell know it now, as Kyle stares out the window and imagines a little blond girl out in the rain, waiting for him.

I didn't think much of her. I suppose its because the others wrote her off first. Who am I to meddle in young people's politics? If they didn't like their new alien addition, what business was it of mine? So I ignored her. I overlooked her. Because that's what Max Evans was doing. Because he didn't look at her, *I* didn't look at her. I put him first. Before my own child's loves and needs and wants. I upheld my father's obsession and an alien boy's secrets.

And Kyle wants to join her in the rain.

*********************************************

Daddy gave me a name
My dad he gave me a name
Then he walked away
Daddy gave me a name
Then he walked away
My dad gave me a name

*********************************************

I remember walking into the bedroom of that house...finding him on the floor, next to the limp arm hanging off the side of the bed. He had one hand in her hair and he was rocking back and forth whispering her name. The first time I noticed love on my son's face was when he was grieving it's loss. My son was in love and I hadn't even known.

He didn't even see me. Looked right through me. Blinded by everything but the blood. I wanted to reach out and tug him close and hold him tight like I did when he was shot. *When I shot him.* But I turned and walked out. I let the EMTs do their business. I let him sit there. Because I had no right to intrude. I had no right to be his father when I hadn't been it in years.

I still have no right. *********************************************

Father of mine
Tell me where have you been
I just closed my eyes
And the world disappeared
Father of mine
Tell me how do you sleep
With the children you abandoned
And the wife I saw you beat

*********************************************

Michelle and I named him Kyle Alan Valenti. When we saw his little red face and his big bright eyes, we knew it was the right choice. It fit. We didn't use my father's name and mine. Because we wanted him to be different. We wanted him to be special. We didn't want him to be haunted by our mistakes.

I didn't want him growing up with the name of a man who'd left me. Who'd made my momma cry. Who was an incoherent old fool in a rest home that I didn't want to admit existed.

Who's the fool now?

My son isn't eating. He isn't sleeping. He goes to Tess's grave with empty eyes and stays there for hours. Then he comes back here and searches for her outside the glass. I think he would go wander the halls of the Harding house if the city hadn't put it up on the market after the case was closed. He doesn't even look at me. He doesn't call me "Dad". I'm no better than my father. In fact, I'm worse.

He's slipping away from me. He's slipping away and I don't know that I can stop him. I don't think he wants me to. He wants her. He wants Tess. Because she's the one was there. Not me. She's the one who held him. Who talked to him. Who listened to him. Who loved him.

Who left him. *********************************************

Then he walked away
Daddy gave me a name
Then he walked away
My dad gave me a name
Then he walked away

*********************************************

That's the one thing I know I won't do. He can look past me. He can throw my cooking in the garbage. He can roam the streets of Roswell like a ghost. But I won't leave him. Sometimes, I get mad at her. I get mad at this tragic, dead, little girl from another planet and I want to yell at her. I want to raise her from the grave and shake her.

"Don't you *know* he's been left too many times all ready? Don't you *know* how much he needed you? How much he loved you? How you were there when his momma and daddy weren't? Tess Harding, you selfish, stupid, brat...how could you do this to my boy?"

And then I stop. I drop down onto the couch and cover my face with my hands and curse myself. Not her. It's easier to blame her than blame myself. But it's not the truth. Its my failings that caused this...not hers. She took the only way out that she knew how. She was alone. They'd all shut her out except Kyle. Maybe she thought she was a burden to him? Maybe she thought she was sparing him? All I know is that my son's well-being was my responsibility, not hers. Her reasons for leaving him had to be better than mine: no reason at all.

How do you walk away and ignore your son for no reason at all? Ask me...I seemed to have written the book. Chapter One: Get Over-Involved In Your Job. Chapter Two: Get Over-Involved In Alien Hunting. Chapter Three: Put Alien Kids First.

Well, I'm burning that book now.

Kyle's not following Tess into the rain or into a grave. I was selfish for way too long and now I'm going to be right selfish again. I'm not going to let him go. The next time he walks past me, I'm going to grab him and hold him tight. So tight he can't breathe.

I'm going to tell him I love him.

I'm going to make a promise that I will do my best not to break.