Thanks to Mandy for sending this in!<\/p>\n
January 7th, 2000<\/p>\n
Guests on this program were:
\nMajandra Delfino
\nDaryl Mitchell
\nTasia Scolinos
\nAdam West<\/p>\nBill’s Opening
\nBill: Good evening, I’m Bill Maher.
\nAnd I don’t know if you heard, but we, human beings, Homo Sapiens, are now in the 21st century.
\nThank you.
\nThank you very much.<\/p>\n[ Cheers and applause ]\nThank you, yes.
\nYes, we made it.
\nA lot of people said we wouldn’t.
\nA lot of people thought you-know-who was gonna come down and kick some ass.<\/p>\n[ Laughter ]\nBut no, we’re here, we’re queer, we are now in the third millennium.
\nWe are third millennium dwellers, and I don’t know about you, but I feel it.<\/p>\n[ Laughter ]\nI feel very in touch with the time I’m living in, but some people — and, I mean, this is no putdown — but a lot of people here tonight are dressed very 20th century.<\/p>\n[ Laughter ]\n
That’s not a putdown.
\nIt was a fine century for its time.<\/p>\n[ Laughter ]\nFor its day.
\nPeople, come on, get with the time.
\nYou know, I was just reading this historical artifact from the 20th.
\nIt’s called “last week’s ‘Newsweek.'”<\/p>\n[ Laughter ]\nAnd the way people acted back in the 20th century — well, let me put it this way, you wouldn’t want to do everything they did, okay?<\/p>\n[ Laughter ]\n
I mean, listen to some of the things that they were doing back in the 20th.
\nIt was legal, it was legal to charge for cable.<\/p>\n[ Laughter ]\nWait a second.<\/p>\n[ Applause ]\n
But illegal to charge for sex.
\nWhat the hell?<\/p>\n[ Laughter ]\n[ Applause ]\nBabies were allowed on aeroplanes?<\/p>\n[ Laughter ]\n
Hello.
\nLook at this.
\nEveryone dressed exactly alike.
\nSome because they were in prison, some because they were in the Army and everybody else because they shopped at a place called “The Gap.”<\/p>\n[ Laughter and applause ]\nPeople believed crazy superstitions back in the 20th, like the evil bug that lived in their computers.<\/p>\n[ Laughter ]\n
And it only came out at New Year’s to wipe out their checking accounts.<\/p>\n[ Laughter ]\n
Yeah, right.
\nListen to this.
\nThey had a music video channel, but it never, ever showed any videos.<\/p>\n[ Laughter ]\n[ Cheers and applause ]\nThey took dieting advice from Monica Lewinsky, morality advice from Newt Gingrich and reading advice from Oprah.<\/p>\n[ Laughter ]\n
If you played professional football, you were allowed to kill your wives and girlfriends.<\/p>\n[ Audience “oohs” ]\n[ Applause ]\n
People thought their cats knew the difference between beef flavor and veal flavor.
\nI —<\/p>\n[ Laughter ]\nIf you were President, you could fall asleep during a cabinet meeting, but you couldn’t sleep with your intern.
\nWhat?<\/p>\n[ Laughter ]\n[ Applause ]\nI mean, the stuff that was — there was a great gap in wealth, and if the poor wanted to become rich, they had to answer questions from a man named “Regis.”<\/p>\n[ Laughter ]\n
And finally, there were warning labels on cigarettes but none on Puff Daddy.<\/p>\n
Panel Discussion<\/p>\n
Bill: All right, let’s meet our panel.
\nShe is a conservative activist attorney and former counsel for the Elizabeth Dole campaign.
\nTasia Scolinos!<\/p>\n[ Cheers and applause ]\nThere you are.
\nHow are you?
\nThank you very much.
\nShe is one of the charming stars of “Roswell,” Wednesday nights at 9:00 on another channel.
\nMajandra Delfino!<\/p>\n[ Cheers and applause ]\nMajandra: How are you?<\/p>\n
Bill: Pleasure to meet you.
\nThank you very much.
\nOne of the fine stars of “Veronica’s Closet.”
\nHis new film is “Galaxy Quest” in theaters now.
\nMr. Daryl “Chill” Mitchell!<\/p>\n[ Cheers and applause ]\nHey.
\nGet out of here.
\nYeah, you have the — exactly.<\/p>\n[ Laughter ]\n[ Applause ]\nDaryl: Whoo!<\/p>\n
Bill: I look good.
\nHe’s an international icon who transcends the millennium.
\nBut he’ll always be — shut up — “The Caped Crusader” to me, Mr. Adam West right over here.<\/p>\n[ Cheers and applause ]\nHow are you, sir?<\/p>\n
Adam: I’m not afraid.
\nI’m not afraid.<\/p>\n[ Applause ]\nBill: Hey, you know what?
\nSit down.<\/p>\n[ Laughter ]\nAdam: Gotta prove I’m not a superhero.<\/p>\n
Bill: You can make fun of me.
\nI look good.<\/p>\n[ Laughter ]\nIf you’re just tuning in, Keenan Ivory Wayans is back on the air.<\/p>\n[ Laughter ]\n
No, he used to wear these things for real.
\nI mean, it wasn’t a sketch.<\/p>\nDaryl: Don’t pass it off on nobody else, man.
\nYou look like a Detroit pimp.<\/p>\n[ Laughter ]\nBill: Gosh, Daryl, how would you know?<\/p>\n[ Laughter ]\n
Daryl: Didn’t I see you —<\/p>\n
Bill: I went to the ball.<\/p>\n
Daryl: Oh, all right, I thought so.
\nOh, man.<\/p>\nBill: All right.
\nDespite my costume here, I want to get serious about this, because I saw this in the paper a couple weeks ago.
\nI think this is absolutely awful, but I’m sure some of our panelists think it’s good.
\nAnd what it is is abstinence in schools now is becoming the preferred means of teaching sex education.
\nListen to this.
\nSex education in the nation’s schools is increasingly focused on abstinence, more than one in three districts using abstinence-only curriculum, fewer than half offering information on birth control.
\nIn other words, remember “Just say no” with drugs?
\nRemember how well that worked?<\/p>\nDaryl: Right.<\/p>\n[ Laughter ]\n
Bill: Now, they’re trying it with sex to these hormone-frenzied horn-dog teenagers.<\/p>\n[ Laughter ]\n
Tasia: In my opinion, the only absolutely awful thing about that statistic is, I think that kind of teaching should be in all the schools, rather than just a third of them, because when you really look at the statistics about teen pregnancy in this country, there’s absolutely nothing good that comes of teens being sexually active.<\/p>\n
Bill: It’s at a 40-year low.<\/p>\n
Daryl: My thing is, I got a daughter.
\nYou know what I’m gonna teach my daughter?
\n“If you see a black light and some slow music, run.”<\/p>\n[ Laughter ]\n“Just run.
\nYou see a drink, dark room and music, condoms, all that, don’t even — get outta there!
\nGet outta there!”<\/p>\n[ Laughter ]\nAdam: Daryl, I got four daughters, and I totally agree.
\nHowever, I think, if we keep it that narrow and teach only abstinence, it’s not too good, because I don’t think we should teaching booty looting.<\/p>\n[ Laughter ]\nDaryl: Yo, you need to be responsible — you need to be responsible —<\/p>\n
Bill: Whoa, whoa, whoa.<\/p>\n
Daryl: Booty what?!<\/p>\n
Bill: Yeah, I got to hear this.<\/p>\n
Daryl: Hold up, hold up.
\nOkay, okay.<\/p>\n[ Applause ]\nBill: I’m from the 21st century, Adam.<\/p>\n[ Laughter ]\n
“Booty looting”?<\/p>\n
Adam: Yes, “booty looting.”<\/p>\n
Daryl: “Booty looting.”<\/p>\n
Bill: “Booty looting.”
\nOr “looting the booty.”<\/p>\nAdam: Or “butt pirating.”
\nI feel —<\/p>\n[ Laughter ]\nDaryl: You scare me.
\nWhere are we going with this, Batman?!<\/p>\nAdam: I just feel that the programs should teach responsible parenting, as well as —<\/p>\n
Bill: That’s not what you were saying.
\nWhat were you going to say?<\/p>\nMajandra: Well, I was going to say, of course, they should, first and foremost, teach abstinence, and then, say, “if you’re going to go ahead with this, this is what you should do, how to do it safely.”<\/p>\n[ Talking at once ]\n
Majandra: Make them think.
\nJust like you tell these kids, “don’t do drugs,” but they always end up trying something, but you know, you initially go with “don’t ever do it,” whatever.
\nSome kids do buy into it.
\nSo for those, you say abstinence.<\/p>\nBill: But drugs and sex is not the same thing.<\/p>\n
Daryl: Abstinence is not normal.<\/p>\n
Majandra: They don’t pay attention to anything.
\nI just got out of high school last year, and they don’t listen to anything.
\nAnd unfortunately, it’s like the ’60s and ’70s totally preached to our culture that it was good to have free sex and indiscriminate sex.
\nSo that’s still bleeding into our culture now.
\nAnd there’s really nothing you can do.<\/p>\nTasia: The problem is, though, I think the ’60s and ’70s — you’re totally right, they did preach this kind of free sex, free love.
\nAnd now, we’re stuck with a whole host of problems.<\/p>\nDaryl: That was the free thing with all the movement of love, and we’re getting over Vietnam, and they just incorporate it, they want a reason to do something.<\/p>\n
Tasia: I think there’s a tendency though, to sit here, then, and think, “Well, they’re gonna do it anyway, why bother preaching abstinence?”<\/p>\n
Majandra: Oh no, that’s not necessarily true.
\nI think they should, because I —<\/p>\nAdam: Talk about it, but talk about other elements, as well.
\nHave a balanced program in schools.<\/p>\nDaryl: Right.
\n“The black light, the slow music and liquor, get out the room, girl!”<\/p>\n[ Laughter ]\n“Get out the room, ’cause something gonna happen!”<\/p>\n
Tasia: I think Daryl’s totally right.
\nYou want to keep yourself out of these situations, because I don’t think —<\/p>\nDaryl: That’s just as involuntary as your heartbeat.
\nPeople don’t understand that.
\nIn certain climates, just go to restaurants, go to movies, go to discos, don’t go to no confined areas, because something is liable to happen.<\/p>\nMajandra: What I can tell you though is there are some kids, many kids, who actually take the abstinence route.
\nI swear to you.
\nThey actually do buy into this.
\nSo that’s why it’s necessary, because for those, if you’re gonna save a few people.<\/p>\nBill: Right, they’re called the “AV squad.”<\/p>\n[ Laughter ]\n
I have to take a break.
\nWe’ll be right back.<\/p>\nBill: All right, let me switch topics for a minute, because I think it’s interesting that the folks who want to teach abstinence, in other words, who think that sex is too dangerous to even brooch the topic are usually the same people who would like to teach kids about firearms.
\nApparently, that’s a topic that it’s good to learn about and to know how to use.
\nI think it’s interesting that this year, we saw, now first, over Christmas, you saw that incident with Puff Daddy.
\nThere was a little gunplay that broke out in a nightclub.
\nSame thing’s happened to me many times.<\/p>\nAdam: Of course, of course.
\nLook at you.<\/p>\nBill: I stuffed my gangsta bitch into a Lincoln Navigator —<\/p>\n[ Laughter ]\n
— And hauled ass and, you know, ran red lights.
\nAnd then, George Harrison got stabbed.
\nNow, a Beatle in this country was attacked, but with a gun, in England, he survived, because they don’t have guns over there.
\nDoesn’t that say something about the Beatles?<\/p>\n[ Laughter ]\nMajandra: What’s going to happen to Ringo?<\/p>\n
Daryl: But look, man, this is my whole take on the gun situation.
\nYou got the guy in Atlanta who was a stockbroker who went and shot up all those people.
\nThen, you had this guy who came out here in Seattle on the dock who shot these people.
\nThen you had this other man who came by and drove and shot up this supremacist who shot up the school.<\/p>\nBill: Right up here, right.<\/p>\n
Daryl: Right up here.
\nAnd we won’t even talk about Colorado and the other kids.
\nIt just seems to me that it becomes a problem when it leaves “the hood.”
\nSee, it’s been happening in “the hood” a long time.<\/p>\nBill: When you say “the hood,” you mean the black neighborhoods.
\nI’m not from your century.<\/p>\nDaryl: Now, all of a sudden, we need gun control.<\/p>\n
Majandra: This is the thing, though, this is what you have to understand.<\/p>\n
Daryl: That’s how I feel.<\/p>\n
Majandra: It’s all about what’s fashionable.
\nIn the ’80s, when John Lennon was shot, that was kind of random.
\nNow, it’s happening a lot more.
\nAnd it’s really, honestly, it’s cool.<\/p>\nDaryl: A lot more where?<\/p>\n
Majandra: It’s cool to be a thug.
\nIt’s cool to have a gun.
\nPuff Daddy, Lopez, everybody’s going to think Lopez is so cool now.
\nYou know, that’s just how it is now.
\nIt’s like the culture.<\/p>\nTasia: I think she’s totally right.
\nThe guns have been around from the 1900s.<\/p>\nMajandra: White kids and the gang signs.<\/p>\n
Daryl: The ones that’re bangin’ in Little Rock, Arkansas?<\/p>\n
Majandra: Exactly.<\/p>\n
Daryl: Now, it’s an issue.
\nIt’s an issue, but it’s been a problem, it’s been plaguing the community that I grew up in for a long time.
\nBut it never was an issue then.
\nWe were just “born killers.”<\/p>\nBill: White singers — I never hear of Pat Boone killing anybody.<\/p>\n[ Laughter ]\n
Daryl: Well, Pat Boone’s stocks ain’t dropped yet, wait till his stocks drop, you got problems!<\/p>\n[ Laughter ]\n
He’s gonna start trippin’.<\/p>\n[ Laughter ]\n
Tasia: The fact is, I think, when you’re killing innocent people, whether it be in the black community, the white community, it’s wrong.<\/p>\n
Daryl: It is wrong!<\/p>\n
Tasia: If you’re talking about the issue of gun control and legislative laws and things like that —<\/p>\n
Daryl: It’s the same thing people said about AIDS.
\n“Oh, that’s a gay disease.”
\nBut once heterosexuals started catching it, “ah, it’s a problem.”<\/p>\nBill: But you know what?
\nThere was a lie there, too.
\nBecause it never broke out into the heterosexual community like it was advertised to.
\nThat was propaganda from lobbyists.<\/p>\nDaryl: It did so, it did so, come on, man.<\/p>\n
Bill: Never.<\/p>\n
Daryl: All those statistics a lie?<\/p>\n
Bill: There was never any statistics that showed that AIDS broke out into the heterosexual community like it was supposed to, because certain political lobbies wanted it to.
\nNo, it never happened.
\nSo that was a lie like all politically correct lies, where they wanted what was supposed to be before the truth.<\/p>\nAdam: What are we talking about here?<\/p>\n[ Laughter ]\n
How to get rid of the guns —<\/p>\n[ Laughter and applause ]\n
Daryl: You’re making an analogy!<\/p>\n
Adam: Right, but, Daryl, aren’t we addressing how to get rid of the gun culture?<\/p>\n
Daryl: We don’t need to get rid of guns!<\/p>\n
Bill: Hey, batman never had a gun.<\/p>\n[ Laughter ]\n
Adam: You’re talking very self-destructively.<\/p>\n
Daryl: When you outlaw guns, only outlaws will have guns.
\nLook, that’s how I feel.<\/p>\nAdam: There’s no way to get rid of the gun culture in this country with what’s going on.<\/p>\n
Bill: What do you mean “there’s no way”?<\/p>\n
Adam: There’s one way.
\nYou shoot the shooter.<\/p>\n[ Laughter ]\n[ Applause ]\nDaryl: I’m with that.
\nI’m with that.<\/p>\nAdam: And I’m not talking about a few bird-hunting rifles or shotguns.
\nI’m talking about semiautomatics, automatic weapons that are used for what sport?
\nWhat sport?
\nIs war a sport?<\/p>\nDaryl: No, it’s not, but a gun is a gun.
\nIf you want to get rid of automatics, then, you need to get rid of the revolver.<\/p>\nTasia: The problem with guns though, is, I think what she was talking about earlier, we’ve had guns around for years and years, but statistics will show, regardless of whether it’s in the white or the black community, crime rates are up in the second half of the 19th century.<\/p>\n
Daryl: Really?<\/p>\n
Tasia: Yeah, and the fact of the matter is —<\/p>\n
Bill: No, crime is down in this decade.<\/p>\n
Tasia: No, from 1900 to now, it’s — the crime rate —<\/p>\n
Bill: 1900, I don’t know about, I’m in the 21st century and —<\/p>\n[ Laughter ]\n
Daryl: You read the newspaper in your area.
\nYou got to read the newspaper all around.
\nAll around, honey.<\/p>\nTasia: I couldn’t be reading the newspapers the past 200 years.<\/p>\n
Daryl: Read all around.<\/p>\n
Tasia: If you look though, there has been, from 1900 —<\/p>\n
Daryl: She’s got to read all the newspapers!<\/p>\n[ Laughter ]\n
You’re just reading what’s happening in your hood!<\/p>\n[ Laughter ]\n
Tasia: My point is —<\/p>\n
Daryl: “Crime is up.
\nSomebody stole my mailbox.
\nCrime is up!”<\/p>\n[ Laughter ]\nTasia: My point is, though, I think a lot of that is because it’s glamorized.<\/p>\n[ Applause ]\n
Bill: Let’s take a commercial.
\nWe’ll be back.<\/p>\nAnnouncer: Join us Monday, when our guests will be Penelope Ann Miller, Tony Hawk, Penn Jillette and Maggie Gallagher.
\n—<\/p>\n[ Applause ]\nBill: All right.
\nNow — that’s only for former — you are so 20th!<\/p>\nDaryl: I’m with you, baby.
\nI’m feeling your vibe.<\/p>\nBill: Speaking of people in the 20th century, remember Monica Lewinsky from the last century?<\/p>\n
Adam: No.<\/p>\n[ Laughter ]\n
Bill: As I said last time in the monologue, this poor girl cannot get away from controversy.<\/p>\n
Adam: — Is the way we will remember Monica.<\/p>\n
Bill: Larry King loves Monica.
\nShe lost weight, and he divorced his wife — no.<\/p>\n[ Laughter ]\nBut as you know, that’s what we all know now, Monica lost weight, she can fit into her old evidence.<\/p>\n[ Laughter ]\n[ Applause ]\n
Majandra: I swear.<\/p>\n
Bill: She did it by using Jenny Craig.
\nHow many have seen the ads for Jenny Craig?<\/p>\n[ Applause ]\nWhere Monica said, “you know, I tried this, I tried that.”
\nI don’t want to go into the diet she tried — liquid protein.<\/p>\n[ Audience “ohs” ]\nAnyway, so now a number of Jenny Craig franchises are not going to air her ad or use the poster.
\nThey say, she is not a good role model, and they refuse to —<\/p>\nAdam: What’s the bottom line?<\/p>\n
Majandra: All I have to say is, we can still take what Bill Clinton says seriously as a role model.
\nWould you take what Monica Lewinsky says about losing weight?<\/p>\n[ Applause ]\nTasia: I don’t think there’s many people left in the country who look at Bill Clinton as a role model, except maybe for Bill.<\/p>\n
Daryl: Oh.<\/p>\n
Bill: Yeah, I do.<\/p>\n
Adam: I appreciate your irony.<\/p>\n
Daryl: I do.<\/p>\n
Majandra: But we do have to take what he says seriously.
\nHe’s still the president.
\nThen, she can be with Jenny Craig.<\/p>\nTasia: The thing with Jenny Craig is, to me, it’s sort of seems like she’s like some sort of sports star getting like an endorsement deal or something.<\/p>\n[ Speaking at once ]\n
Tasia: Isn’t that kind of a what she — it’s basically an endorsement deal.
\nAnd you have to sort of look at why is this woman famous?
\nLike what is her notoriety from?<\/p>\nAdam: They’re not looking at that.
\nYou’re looking at the bottom line, Sir Daryl.<\/p>\nDaryl: What’s the bottom –?<\/p>\n[ Laughter ]\n
Bill: “What is the bottom line,” young man?<\/p>\n
Adam: The bottom line is, if she brings in the consumer, if they buy the product, how do you boycott fat?<\/p>\n[ Laughter ]\n
Tasia: The problem is, though —<\/p>\n
Daryl: All I got to say is, whoever did it was a marketing genius, because they knew they would get flack, and they just put it out there and pulled it back.
\nAnd everybody seen it.
\nEverybody’s seen it.<\/p>\nMajandra: She’s talking about losing weight.
\nIt’s not like she’s out there preaching morals.
\nThen, that would be a bad example.
\nShe lost weight.<\/p>\nTasia: But don’t her advertisers —<\/p>\n
Daryl: But she’s famous for having sex with somebody!<\/p>\n[ Speaking at once ]\n[ Laughter ]\n[ Speaking at once ]\n
Bill: Don’t our advertisers what?<\/p>\n
Tasia: Don’t our advertisers have kind of a responsibility when they put somebody out there to represent their product?<\/p>\n
Daryl: Let’s just leave her right here.
\nCome on.<\/p>\nTasia: No, seriously.<\/p>\n[ Laughter ]\n
Bill: Put these on, you’ll feel much more calm, because, you know —<\/p>\n[ Laughter ]\n
Majandra: — Whole crazy behavior.<\/p>\n
Tasia: When you’re putting somebody out there to represent your product, I think that you’re in a — you’re condoning them as a person.
\nAnd you’re setting somebody out there as an example to follow.<\/p>\n[ Laughter ]\nWhether it be just to lose weight or whatever the case may be.
\nDaryl doesn’t agree with me.<\/p>\nBill: Daryl, I think you’re —<\/p>\n[ Laughter ]\n
Daryl: Baby, advertisers don’t care!<\/p>\n[ Laughter ]\n
Bill: Of all the — right.<\/p>\n
Tasia: I think they should.
\nThat’s what I’m arguing.<\/p>\nDaryl: They should?<\/p>\n
Tasia: Absolutely.<\/p>\n
Bill: Are you kidding?<\/p>\n
Tasia: No, I’m not kidding.<\/p>\n
Bill: Oh, man.
\nAdvertisers are the most wonderful people in the world.
\nI got to take a break.
\nWe’ll be right back.<\/p>\nBill: The police are so corrupt.
\nOh, here we are.
\nMonday, we have penelope Ann Miller, Tom Hanks?
\nNo, Tony Hawk.
\nOh, I had a heart attack there in my outfit.
\nPenn Jillette and Maggie Gallagher.
\nOkay, now, as far as Bill Clinton being a role model, let me just say this, Paula Jones got a nose job, Linda Tripp got a whole makeover.
\nMonica Lewinsky lost weight.
\nIf not for Bill Clinton, all these girls would be fat and ugly still.<\/p>\n[ Laughter ]\nGood night!<\/p>\n[ Applause ]\n
—<\/p>\n
Give us your 2 cents!<\/p>\n
Mouse over and mouth off on the Politically Incorrect message board!<\/p>\n
——————————————————————————–<\/p>\n
Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher<\/p>\n
Executive Producers<\/p>\n
Bill Maher
\nNancy Geller
\nDouglas M. Wilson<\/p>\nCo-Executive Producer
\nKevin Hamburger<\/p>\nCreated By
\nBill Maher<\/p>\nDirected By
\nMichael Dimich<\/p>\nWriting Supervised By
\nChris Kelly<\/p>\nWriters
\nKevin Bleyer
\nBrian Jacobsmeyer
\nBill Kelley
\nBill Maher
\nBilly Martin
\nNed Rice
\nDanny Vermont
\nDouglas M. Wilson<\/p>\nCoordinating Producer
\nJoy Dolce<\/p>\nAssociate Producer
\nSheila Griffiths<\/p>\nAssociate Director
\nBob Staley<\/p>\nStage Manager
\nPatrick Whitney<\/p>\nExecutive in Charge of Production
\nJohn Fisher<\/p>\nExecutive Producers
\nBrad Grey
\nBernie Brillstein
\nMarc Gurvitz<\/p>\nabc.com Go Network<\/p><\/blockquote>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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