We'd only been seeing each other for about two months. It was a secret, except to Max, Liz, Maria and Michael. We generally went out of town on our dates. I had this reputation of being the Ice Queen and dating jocks. My friends would think I'd gone completely around the bend if they knew I was lusting over a lanky musician with soft, soulful eyes and a gentle spirit. We definitely did not travel in the same circles. That wasn't why it was a secret though.

It took me forever to get over my fear of trusting the humans with our secret. I'd felt his presence tugging at me from the moment we'd met, but I was too terrified to care. I walked in his dream one night and knew how he felt about me. He didn't just see me as an object, like the other guys I'd dated. He'd genuinely cared for me. He thought I had a beautiful body, but he thought my spirit was beautiful too, and he respected my brain. And I loved him for it.

I knew before we started dating that I could fall in love with him if I wasn't careful and it scared the shit out of me. I'd dated plenty of guys but it had always been a game. A popularity contest. There was no regret, no broken heart when those boys left. I had been fond of some of them, but was just as happy to be their friend and move on.

Of course, I wasn't really friends with any of them. Even my so-called "best girlfriends". They were really just acquaintances, people I spent time with and had fun with. But they didn't know me. Not only did they not know what I was, but also they didn't know the person I was, inside. Maria and Liz were my real best friends now. No one could figure that out either. Mostly, they thought I hung out with them because Liz was my brother's girlfriend and I was being polite. But Alex knew me. He knew. He saw the gaping flaws, the fear, and the insecurities. And he loved me anyway. God, it still scared me if I thought about it too much.

I'd kissed and made out with a few boys and even let them touch my breasts a time or two. Despite my reputation, my experience was limited. I remember those kisses. Some were tentative, some were demanding. They made me curious, but that's about all.

I shiver every time I remember that first kiss with Alex though. We'd gone out a few times, dinner and a movie. He'd given me chaste pecks on the cheek, even a dry peck on the lips once, but was always the gentleman, like he was afraid to touch me almost. I enjoyed that he just wanted to spend time with me without the pressure of fooling around.

Oh, but that night about six weeks ago was different. He brought me home and walked me to the door. He'd made some silly crack about the guitarist, Kenny Wayne Shepard being a contortionist and was goofily trying to demonstrate, via air guitar, this move he had of playing behind his head. His arms were raised over and behind his head, a silly expression on his face. I had thrown my head back and belly laughed, my back leaning against the porch railing. Trying to get my mirth under control, I reached out a hand to signal him to stop making me laugh. I hadn't realized how close he was and my hand landed on his chest, and brushed from one breast up to his shoulder. His hands dropped and he went still. Very still. I looked up, choking back another laugh to see a deadly serious look on his face. My laughter died and our eyes locked. I removed my hand as I saw it for the first time. The desire, hot and plain on his face. Quietly, he said, "You're so unearthly beautiful when you laugh." He paused. "No pun intended." Then we had both chuckled again breaking the tension.

What possessed me? I'll never know. My hand slid up to cup the side of his neck. His whole body shuddered and his arms were around my waist in an instant pulling me into his body and crushing my breasts to his chest. He stared at me, our gazes locked. I don't know how much time passed. Then, torturously slow, he lowered his lips to mine. He stopped, our lips touching. He was giving me a chance to pull away. I knew it. Always the gentleman. I was frozen in place. I couldn't move. A long, low groan escaped the back of his throat and his lips slanted across mine. They were soft and wet. I felt the vibration from his groan in my mouth and felt a white hot bolt of desire shoot through me, settling in a pool between my legs. OH MY GOD! His fingers left my waist to tangle in my hair and hold my head still as he licked my lips and sucked my bottom lip into his mouth. I whimpered at the sensations, opening my mouth and instantly felt his tongue slide inside my mouth. His assault on my mouth went on for minutes. He explored every crevice of my mouth. My knees buckled and he pinned me against the porch rail with his body, preventing me from sliding away from him. I'd never had a kiss affect me this way! My knees were rubber, my breasts ached and my nipples were so hard they almost hurt. I clung to him, returning the kiss, his moaning urging me on.

We finally came up for air and my name groaned from his lips, "Issabeelll." I shuddered at the sound of it. All his pent up frustration, longing and love for me was uttered in the sound of my name. We just held each other for long moments waiting for our breathing to decelerate. Then he said it, so softly I could barely hear him. "My god, Isabel, you have no idea how much I love you." My head swam.

I'm standing in the hallway at school. I've daydreamed that first earth-shattering kiss and can feel the wetness in my underwear from my arousal. Just thinking about it sends my juices flying straight to my groin. What the hell?

We agreed to keep our relationship a secret in school. He readily agreed, although I think he was hurt. He thinks that I'm embarrassed to be with him. It isn't that. I can't seem to hide my feelings around him. I lose myself and forget my surroundings. I can't afford to do that. I'm not ready to face the inevitable questions from my friends. I don't want to walk around like a mooncalf unable to concentrate on my schoolwork. I need to be detached here, have my emotional armor on. He seems to understand, but I know he's hurt nonetheless. Or am I fooling myself? Are these just excuses, because I really am a snob?

I watch Maria and Liz move down to their lockers towards their next class. And then I see HER, Marcia, the sleazy, little bitch from my English class saunter over to him and touch him possessively on the arm. I can hear her, just barely from my hiding spot behind the pillar in the middle of the hall. I think Alex took her out once a long ago.

"Alex, I wanted to talk to you," she purrs. My stomach knots.

"What do you want, Marcia?"

"My, aren't we cranky today."

"What do you want?"

"Well, I want you to go to the dance with me on Friday."

"No, sorry."

"Why not?"

"Uh, I don't do dances."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means I'm a musician, not a dancer, not my gig, O.K.?"

"Oh, well, then how about dinner and a movie, we could pick up where we left off last year?"

"Uh, thanks, but I can't."

"Why not?" I can see the struggle in him and see it on his face.

"Look, Marcia, I'm busy, I'm going to be late for Chemistry."

She moves in close, leaning her lips towards his ear, "Aww, come on Alex. It will be fun. I promise." He just shakes his head, turning to look down the hall, his face away from me.

"No, Marcia, for the last time. I'm flattered, but sorry, no."

"But! Wait!" Then she does the unthinkable. She steps in close and puts her hands on either side of his face, forcing him to look at her. "Alex, come on. You won't be sorry I know you're stuck on Isabel but I'll help you stop mooning over that cold bitch. She icy anyway."

RAGE! He said NO DAMN IT, my mind screams. Something snaps inside me and I'm striding down the hall towards my target. I don't care anymore. Damn the consequences. HE'S MINE! My mind screams at me again. I slow as an idea comes to me. I carefully saunter down the hallway and they both look up and gasp as I stand behind him and slide my hands around his waist, leaning my chin on his shoulder, and my hands on his stomach. I stare daggers at her. Alex has stiffened in my arms, feeling my quiet rage. He thinks it's for him, that I don't trust him.

Softly he says, "Oh God, Izzy, what you saw, it's not what you…"

I cut him off. Her hands have slid down his arms, frozen there, peering at me. "Izzy?" she questions. I only let Alex call me that. I lower my voice to a deadly hiss, gritting my teeth.

"He said NO, take your hands off him you little slut. He's mine! And if you touch him again, I'll break both your scrawny little arms!" Her hands jerk away as she squeaks in surprise. I can smell the fear on her. She gathers her composure quickly; I'll give her that. My hands slide down to cup his hipbones and I squeeze gently to reassure him that it's O.K. I feel him relax and lean back into me slightly.

Marcia finds her voice. "Since when? Since when does the Ice Queen give him the time of day?" Her voice has risen almost hysterically.

Still quietly, I respond, "Since two months ago, now get out of here before you regret it."

She heaves a dramatic sigh, trying to maintain her dignity. "Well, Alex, if you ever get tired of Frosty over here, let me know."

I snap and scream, "GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY SIGHT! NOW!" I can shout really loud when the mood strikes me and I see Alex flinch. 'Sorry' I whisper in his ear. The edges of his lip turn up in amusement. She growls, but turns to walk away, deciding that discretion is the better part of valor. It's then that I realize we have attracted a crowd. Michael, Maria, Liz, Max, Kyle and about ten other people are staring at us incredulously. I feel a shiver of embarrassment at my loss of control.

Alex turns slightly in my arms and whispers. "It's O.K., Izzy, I'm sure you made your point." My eyes snap up and I see an endearing little smirk in the corner of his mouth. I see pride there too. He is so proud to be seen with me, but he's giving me permission to back away, before there is a bigger scene. I see the unspoken statement. 'You don't have to embarrass yourself by being seen with me here. You can back away and it's O.K. You can laugh and pretend it was a joke to save face with your friends.' Oh, god, what have I done? I am such a selfish bitch. I glance around and see three of my so-called friends with looks of horror on their faces. They show horror that I am standing there with my hands on him, this geek. I see the word on their faces. They disgust me all of a sudden and I don't care what they think anymore. The damage, if you can even call it that, has been done. How selfish, all the awful situations I've put him in. All this happens and registers in about five seconds of silence among our audience. I see a couple of his friends too, hanging in the back, watching with open curiosity.

I slowly but deliberately turn him around to face me, cup his face like Marcia was doing a moment before, beam him a smile in warning and then lay my mouth over his in a deep, slow, wet, French kiss. His shock is evident, his eyes wide, but he recovers quickly, closing his eyes and putting his hands on my hips and returning my kiss. I hear the gasps from the crowd, but ignore them and kiss him for a few more seconds. I break the kiss and say, "Wow, as usual." He's grinning like a mad man. I turn and survey the crowd and then announce to everyone. "Alex IS MINE!" It's a warning and they know it. "If anyone has a problem with that…" I look pointedly right at my three 'former' friends, "BITE ME!"

I hear the distinctive sound of Maria hooting with laughter and Liz yelling, "Woof, woof, woof." I know who my friends are now, they are ones smiling and supporting my decision. The others are beating a hasty retreat whispering behind their hands. I turn to see Liz, Max, Maria and Michael grinning. Wonder of wonders, even Michael is chuckling.

I turn to Alex, "I'm sorry, that was probably quite embarrassing for you." I look at the floor. I feel stupid and shy all of a sudden. He is beaming me that mega-watt smile that makes my knees go weak.

"You can embarrass me like that anytime." We smile and saunter off to class holding hands.

ALEX'S JOURNAL:

I have no idea what just happened! I can honestly say I'm the luckiest and happiest guy on the planet right now. Funny how the words 'unearthly' and 'planet' have new meaning to me now. I can't wipe the secret grin of happiness off my face as I sit here in study hall. Everyone is whispering. I'm sure the news traveled faster than a fart in a windstorm. They are all glancing at me, failing miserably at being discreet. No one can figure out how freaky, geek, Alex Whitman, snared the most beautiful girl in the school. Flamboyant, loving, beautiful, compassionate popular, sexy, Isabel Evans. I'm wondering the same thing myself, truth be told.

I agreed to keep us a secret. I was used to keeping secrets now. I knew she had her reasons. I never told her how much it really hurt. But let's get real. I knew who her friends were and I knew who mine were. They don't mix, never have and never will, with the exception of Liz, Maria, Max and Michael. But we six share the bond of an unbelievable secret. A secret so sacred, I feel honored to be trusted with it. It will always be mine. But it did hurt. I wanted to sing like a canary that she was my girl, but I knew the hassles that would cause her and I was willing to accept whatever she would give me, even if it was just her friendship. Or this 'dating in secret' arrangement that we have, HAD! That will change now. I felt a pang of remorse when I thought of the rejection she would suffer from her friends. I always knew they weren't good friends, real friends anyway. But I know it will hurt anyway. Guilt by association.

She just lost quite a few friends today, because of me. I'm still in shock. But I can't say I'm not thrilled that she was willing to risk all that to stake her claim on me. God, she thrills me! I won't explain it to anyone. Let them wonder. I'm so in love with her, it's ridiculous. She knows it too. She could break my heart in an instant but I couldn't stay away. I was sure that when Marcia left and she realized the crowd we'd attracted that she was going to back away and laugh like she'd just pulled off the greatest joke of the century. I was prepared for it. I knew how much it was going to hurt and I was standing there giving her permission to do it. She can read my eyes like a book. I thought I was going to faint when she turned and beamed me that smile that gives me butterflies in my stomach. That kiss! So like the first one we shared, and in front of everyone. Christ, if my back hadn't been against the locker I'm not sure I could have remained standing. But as usually happens when her lips touch mine, the rest of the world faded out of the picture and there was just her, only her and her body touching mine.

ONE MONTH LATER:

We just finished watching a movie. Austin Powers cracks us both up. I look over to see him chuckling at some remembered scene. He is so sexy to me. He is not sexy in the classic sense of bulging muscles and jock-like grace. He was sexy more because of his smile and his sincerity, his lack of arrogance. Also, his uninhibited goofiness made me laugh all the time. I wasn't used to laughing so much but I was getting used to it. What most guys fail to understand is that a woman's biggest errozonous zone is between her ears. He is smiling warmly at me and my heart does a little flip-flop in my chest. I've never told him that I love him. I'm still too scared to give voice to that reality, to make myself vulnerable in that way. But I know it and the words are coming soon, probably when I least expect it. I smile back at him. I want him.

The last month has been different. After my little snit fit at school, our relationship changed radically. We went out on the town more, touched more. It was liberating. I know he worried about it but I really didn't miss the friends that had written me off. Alex's friends had accepted me. I found them to be much happier, open, warm people without the superficiality, the head games or the competition that I was used to. I was very content. I want him. I'd been doing a lot of thinking lately.

"Alex?" "Yeah?"

"Let's go upstairs to my room." I rarely let him up there. It was like the sacred threshold not be crossed, until now. His eyes snap to mine. The question is there in his eyes, 'why?' We can often communicate with just a look now. But for me the last week, I've been feeling like it isn't enough. I want more.

"Come on." I stand and grab his hand. He follows me pliantly, leaving the question hanging in the air. I knew we had all night. The folks were gone on a weekend trip until tomorrow night. The door closed behind him and he stood leaning against it, the tension increasing in the room. He calmly looks at me, waiting, his stance casual. I walk to the bed and lay down on my side, propping my head on the elbow. I just stare at him for a minute. He is so beautiful, dark hair, dark eyes, so opposite from me. I pat the bed with my free hand. He looks startled but walks slowly to the edge of the bed and lowers himself to sit on the edge.

"Lay down facing me." The fact that he will do anything I ask without questions gives me a little thrill. He trusts me, another thing I love him for.

"Iz?" He's not pushing, just curious. I pat the bed again and he assumes a position to match mine, head in hand, elbow supporting himself. I see him take a deep breath and then move his eyes to meet my gaze.

"I want to do something. Something I've wanted to do for a while now, but I was too scared. I've never trusted anyone enough to explore this." He scrunches his eyebrows. He still doesn't know what I'm getting at. I take a deep breath, suddenly nervous. "How do I say this? I'm asking a lot."

"You haven't asked me anything yet." He smirks. I smile at him again.

"No, you're right. I'm just not sure how to explain what I want, tactfully."

"Any way you want. Don't worry about tactful." I might have known he'd try to make this easy. He always does. He looks concerned.

"What is it, Izzy? What's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong, Alex, I'm just nervous."

"You don't ever have to be nervous with me, you know that. You can ask me anything, I'd do anything for you, don't you know that?"

"I know." He's so open and honest about his feelings. I envy him that.

"So spill it, girl." He smiles and reaches up to chuck my cheek gently with his knuckles. His touch gives me a shiver down my spine and I know he saw it. His smile gets wider.

"O.K., here goes, Ummm, hh…"

"Ummm?" he teases.

"I want to touch you." His mouth drops open in surprise.

"You mean?"

"Yes. I'm not ready for … all the way yet, but I want to know what it feels like to …"

"To?"

"To feel your skin on mine. To hold you with no barriers between us."

"No barriers?"

"No clothes."

"Oh!" He's a little shocked, I can tell.

"Alex?" I ask after a few seconds of silence.

"Tell me what you want," he whispers.

"I know it's asking a lot to put you in that position and not do … well, you know. But, but …" I'm nervous again, because of his silence. Maybe I'm asking too much.

He whispers again. "Tell me what you want, step by step. Be specific." We stare at each other a few more moments. He has made no move to touch me. Most teenage guys would have me pinned to the bed by now, ripping my shirt off. Another deep breath, Isabel. Get it together. Now or never. Be specific.

"Kiss me first." He slowly leans in and puts his hand on my hip. He brushes his lips gently over mine and darts his tongue out to wet my upper lip and then the bottom one. I shudder slightly at the sensation, as always and gasp. His tongue slides into my mouth and sweeps over my teeth. He is going so slow, taking his time like he usually does. His lips are so soft. I return the kiss and deepen it, feeling the now familiar arousal that always accompanies his kisses. I finally break the kiss and gulp in air.

"Touch me."

"Where?" he asks.

"My …" I take his hand and lead it to my breast. He has never touched me here, only brushed it on occasion. He cups gently, squeezes a little and then swipes his thumb over my nipple. A surprised moan escapes my lips and I feel my nipple harden instantly and I lean into his hand to increase the pressure. He understands my unspoken request and takes my nipple between his thumb and forefinger through my sweater and rolls it gently. Another moan escapes me and I look at him to find his eyes wide, as though amazed that he is having this affect on me.

I sit up and he sits up with me. I reach out and begin unbuttoning his shirt, placing my lips on the skin I expose, licking gently as I move down his chest following my fingers. He groans low in his throat and I delight in eliciting that response from him. I want to give as good as I get. "Me next." I whisper. He helps me to pull my sweater over my head and just stares at my chest a moment. Taking a deep breath, he looks into my eyes. "God, Iz, you take my breath away." I reach to undo the hook at the front of my bra, but his hand stops me. I peer at him questioning. Maybe he has changed his mind. Maybe I am asking too much. Then he smiles again. "Let me."

I drop my hands to rest on his thighs. His hands tremble as he unhooks the clasp and pushes the straps down my shoulders and away from my body. He sucks in his breath and leans toward me. He looks up, his eyes asking permission and I nod. I can feel his hand shaking slightly as he cups my right breast from underneath, feeling it's weight and lowers his mouth to lick the top of my breath. My heartbeat quickens and I am panting by the time he kisses and nips all around my breast, never touching my center where I want him most. I finally gasp out, "Alex please…"

He groans and latches his lips around my hardened bud and suckles gently, then laves me with his tongue, then sucks again. "Ha... har...harder." I stammer. Great, I'm stuttering. My embarrassment is fleeting as he draws more of my breast into his mouth and sucks … HARD! I throw my head back and groan as rivers of warmth course down my torso and lodge between my legs. My nether lips tingle and I feel a gush of warmth pool out between my thighs. His lips detach with a pop and I whimper at the loss. He gently pushes me onto my back, tosses his shirt onto the floor and positions himself between my legs. He stares at me a moment and I motion him down. He carefully lays his weight on me and kisses me again, harder now. His arousal is evident now. I feel his hardness pressing into my belly. I can't believe the sensations. I've never felt them before. I'm melting.

Suddenly, the clothes are too much. His skin against my chest is dry and hot and feels like heaven and I want more. I want to feel all of him.

"Alex, too many clothes." I croak out. He locks his gaze with mine and nods. Then he slides off the bed, tugging my hand, bringing me up with him. I reach for his jeans the same time he reaches for mine and we unsnap and unzip each other and retreat to pull off our pants, shoes and socks. We are standing in nothing but our underwear now. My eyes travel over his lanky body and I'm surprised at how beautiful he is. His arms are well toned. His pecs have definition I didn't know was there. His shoulders are broader than I thought, all this hidden underneath his baggy clothes. The shoulders taper down to a narrow waist. I'm again surprised to see a washboard stomach, a light dusting of hair on his chest that thickens and narrows to a thick line that disappears into the snug boxers. His thighs are well toned too, perfectly proportioned to the rest of him. He is thin, but wiry with muscle all over. I realize he is gazing at me with the same rapt attention.

The biggest surprise of all though, is the impressive erection tenting the front of his boxers. It's long, pushing the material up over his waistband. I let out a shuddering breath and meet his eyes. They are dark pools of desire. He has gone utterly still, letting me check him out, waiting for me to approve or make the next move. His restraint is admirable. Mine is slipping fast. I feel a moment of panic and I can see in his eyes that he caught it, even though I tried to hide it quickly.

"Izzy? Tell me what you want. We can stop anytime. You know I will stop immediately if you want to. You know I won't do anything you don't want to do. You know that right? That I would never push or hurt you?" I nod sharply in the affirmative.

"You trust me?" he asks.

"Yes, I trust you."

"I know you don't want … intercourse. I don't expect it. I know that isn't going to happen here tonight and I'm not upset about it." I asked for this and here he is reassuring me! "Relax and tell me what you want." I take another deep breath.

"Hold me." I whisper.

He steps into me and gently wraps his arms around me. He presses me into his chest, firmly but gently and runs his hands up and down my back, nuzzling and soothing. His head drops to the crook of my neck. I follow his lead and do the same. He is so warm and his skin feels so good against mine. I feel the tension slide out of my body and I hold him tighter. "You're skin is so soft, Iz. God, like silk," he murmurs into my ear, his hot breath on my neck sending the usual shivers down my spine. I pull his head up and we kiss deeply again. The pace of this exploration is slow and I lose my fear. I want this.

"Tell me," he keeps repeating softly.

"I want to explore you." I tell him.

He smiles at me. "Then do it." I tug him to the bed and lay him down on his back. I start at his shoulders and slowly run my hands over his lean taut muscles, down his chest and across his stomach. His eyes are closed and he begins to moan. I delight in the reactions I'm causing him. His tensing muscles under my hands, his hands clenching the comforter, his hips arching involuntarily off the bed, all serve to arouse me further. His eyes are closed and his head thrown back. His moans vibrate through my body and make my breasts ache again and I feel myself get wetter down below. I straddle his thighs, lean over and begin kissing his neck. He is murmuring now.

"Ahhh, God, Isabel, what you're doing to me. Ahhh, god help me, you're killing me. So good. You make me feel soooo gooood." He lets loose a sob and tear rolls down his cheek. I stop, alarmed. He opens his eyes and sees my hesitation. "It's O.K., Iz, it's O.K."

"Why are you…?" I reach out and brush his tear off his cheek.

"Because I'm so happy I think I'm gonna bust. I must be dreaming. My dreams are the only time you've ever touched me like this." Now I feel the sting of tears. He smiles. "If I'm dreaming, I don't want to wake up."

I sob out a chuckle of my own. "Me neither." He closes his eyes and sighs deeply.

"Alex, what is it?"

"I want to touch you, Izzy. I've never wanted anything so badly in my life as I want to touch you right now." His words inflame me and I realize I want the same thing. I flip off his thighs, and roll onto my back.

"Do it. Your turn to explore."

"Are you sure? I didn't mean to make you feel obligated."

"I don't. I want you to touch me."

"Yeah?"

"Yes, please, Alex, touch me."

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD! I never knew such pleasure existed. He is kissing, licking and touching every square inch of my body--slowly. He has a look of awe and reverence on his face. I can feel the waves of love and desire wash over me as they roll off his body. Heat trails follow his fingers and lips sending tingling ripples of warmth rolling through my body.

I am trembling again. but not from fear this time. A giant thrill runs through me as I hear him declare himself again. "I love you so much Isabel. God help me, I love you so much. Never hurt you, love you."

And I've never felt so loved or so turned on. Sex has always been sex and affection and love were affection and love and never the twain shall meet. Until now. Before I realize it the words are out of my mouth, "Alex, God help me, you're driving me crazy. You make me soooo wet." His primal groan and his head flopping onto my chest make me realize I've spoken aloud. He is so careful with me. I can tell he is afraid to make a wrong move now. He is still now but his hands are rhythmically squeezing my skin where they rest on my hips. His breath is ragged on my stomach and my hands wind into his hair tilting his head up to look at me.

"What is it?" I ask.