I’m an idiot. I let jealousy and stupidity take control and not only ruined her chance at a normal date with a normal guy, I risked everyone finding out everything. Note to self, never, never, ever drink again. The worst part is that I lied to her.

I told her I don’t remember. It was so easy, my tongue and mind and heart just let everything come right out and I told her the God’s honest truth, and that terrifies me. The fact is that I feel drunk just being around her. She makes me absolutely dizzy.

I watched the tears fill her eyes tonight just before I turned and ran away. For the millionth time I wished that I were normal. No matter what I may say there are some things that would be pretty great about normal. I could just scream to the world that I love Liz Parker and she loves me.

Right now, I’ll be lucky if she doesn’t hate me for what I did to her. But I’m stuck between a rock and, well basically another rock. She’s not home yet and I could just take this ridiculous declaration of my love down from her wall. But if I do that, she’ll know the truth.

She’ll know that I remember drawing it in the first place and she’ll think I didn’t mean it. I just want to go back and tell her that I do remember. That I remember the way she looked at me under the mirror ball I made, even if there were two of her.

I want to be able to grab her and kiss her like that with out some chemical reaction erasing all my fears of complicating her life. I seem to be doing that pretty well anyway. Mostly, I just want to be able to love her with out feeling like I’m risking our lives.

Or is it easier to just pretend that your life's never going to end when all the while you know the truth Once again I screwed up. This comes as no shock to me and chances are it wouldn’t come as a big surprise to anyone else. People are always having to clean up my messes and I just have the feeling that that isn’t ever going to change.

Everyone thinks I take stupid risks. Maybe they’re right, maybe I do. But as far as I can see, I’m more stupid in the risks I avoid. Maybe if I’d just admit that I need help sometimes I wouldn’t be in this deep, I wouldn’t be this desperate for a way out of here. But I can’t admit that.

I can’t just stand up and say ‘I need you.’ It’s one thing to manipulate someone to coming along with me, or even forcing someone, but to say out loud that I can’t do everything alone?

I just can’t do it.

What would she say if I went to her and told her what I did tonight? Would she just look at me?

Sometimes she looks at me and I feel like if I died right then and there my life would be complete. There’s this look in her eye like she’s trying to decide whether she wants to smack me or kiss me. I’d be happy with either. I deserve the smack, but lord, I want to feel her lips again.

‘Mud’ just isn’t cutting it anymore. It’s bad associations. Mud in the wrestling ring, mud wrestling, her in a bikini covered in Mud… see what I mean? It doesn’t get her out my mind anymore, it just puts her there all the more. And the more she’s there, the harder it is to believe that I’ll always be alone. The scary thing is, I’m starting to think that may not be a bad thing. Maybe getting intense with someone might just do me some good.

What if there was nothing to hide? Would you take the time to look her in the eye and tell her that you really love her as much as you do

Sometimes I forget. I forget that I’m not even the same species as her. I forget that there are ten thousand reasons that we shouldn’t be together and I can only think of the reasons that we should be together.

I love her, she loves me, and we’re in the same place at the same time. Some how I found the perfect girl on a planet I’m not even supposed to be on. Isn’t that reason enough to walk up to her in the middle of the quad and tell her that I want to be with her?

I mean if you think about it, every odds maker in the world would tell you that this never should have happened. The odds against extraterrestrial life alone should have made it impossible. what were the odds that we’d survived the crash, not get found out by anyone and wake up just in time so I’m the exact same age as her?

It all tells me that this was completely and utterly meant to be. And if even logic is saying that it’s meant to be, what exactly am I hiding from?

What would be so risky? We’re sixteen. Teenagers fall in love. Teenagers fall head over heals and declare that they will always be together, and sometimes it doesn’t work out but no one gets suspicious when it does. Why do I hide from the fact that she is basically my other half and that I managed to find her across however many light years we came from.

What if there was nothing to prove?

Could you stand there naked in the light with no Possessions at your side believing she really loves you

I’m not really afraid of asking for help. I swear, it’s not the asking for help that scares me out of my wits and makes me run away whenever she gets close to me. I ask for help from Max and Is all the time and it only bothers me a little.

What scares me is that I have nothing to offer her. She helped them save my life, she’s covered for me dozens of times, she’s made me feel more special than anyone else on the planet, hell, anyone else in the universe and all I can do I make a napkin holder.

I’m pathetic. I can’t even tell her how I feel. Half the time I can’t even admit to myself that I love her. What I can’t figure out is how I hurt her. How could someone as worthless as me, someone with absolutely nothing to give her cause her any pain. The rest of the time I’m trying to figure out how to take the pain away. What can I do?

I can’t take her away from her life, my life is worse than hers. I can’t take back the things I’ve already told her. If I told her now that I wanted her she probably wouldn’t even believe me.

What baffles me most of all is that she still cares. Those times when she looks at me and I can tell that hitting me is the last thing on her mind, that confuses me most of all. I have nothing to give her. All I’ve given her so far is pain and trouble and she still looks at me like she did that night I came to the door.

The sun is shining and it's inviting you to come alive This could be the best day of your life

I can’t pretend any more. I can’t just sit next to her in class and pretend that it doesn’t affect me. I can’t lie to her about tonight. I’m not going to take this stupid heart down. Why deny the fact that it’s true?

Tomorrow, in front of everyone, stone cold sober I’m going to tell her that I may not have all my fantasies, but I still have her. I want to always have her. Tonight, I’m just going to have to pray that will be enough to make her forgive me for running away again tonight.

The sun is shining and it's inviting you to come alive This could be the best day of your life

Ok, I admit it. I’m scared. I know that I’m not really good enough for her. I’m trailer trash from a distant galaxy and she deserves more than I can ever afford to give her. But I need her. There, I said it. I need her and I always will need her. It’s strange, it feels good to say it. It’s like saying it makes it easier to breathe.

If there was nothing to lose

What have I been so afraid of? All I’ve got to lose is this stupid solitude I’ve forced myself into.

And nothing to hide

What have I been hiding from? The fact that she loves me? So what if I don’t have much to offer, she doesn’t seem to care. Why should I? Stone walls are definitely highly over-rated.

And nothing to lose