He never showed up. Ok, ok, so I never really thought he would but me and my dreams, sometimes I forget that they’re just dreams. I’ve been having this one dream for a while and I swear it makes me think that I’m going out of my mind. I’m not used to dreams that let me FEEL things. Usually I can see and I can hear, but I can actually taste his lips on mine when he’s kissing me.

Sometimes I wonder if he’s really there… like Isabel was that time. Then I remember that he’s too busy running away from everything to take the time for a quick vacation into my subconscious. But when I wake up, it’s like I could lick my lips and there would be Tabasco sauce on them.

I want him so much. He can’t not know how much I want to grab him and drag him into the eraser room. Does that make me a slut? The fact that anytime I can see him it’s all I can do not to wrap myself around him and tell him that I need to feel his hands on me.

It’s not just about sex though. It can’t be since we haven’t ever actually…There really is more to it than how he makes my skin heat up just by looking at me, how he makes every piece of my body vibrate for his touch.

I’m not making a convincing case am I? He’d understand what I mean. He’d know why I can’t even put it into words half the time. I’m not even sure the words exist. It’s just this feeling that aches in my chest whenever he’s near and I can’t touch him or talk to him or tell him that I miss him.

I asked Isabel to try and get him here tonight. I thought maybe if he saw me somewhere where I was shining, he’d come back. I alienated Alex, I took over his band, his chance to impress Isabel and neither of us got what we wanted. Neither of them showed and I’m just trying to figure out what I have to do to get Michael in my life.

// I'd give all eternity to feel you deep inside I come to you wide open, with nothing to hide I'm flying through the flames I'm so high, you're driving me insane //

Time stopped. That sounds so cliché but there is no other way to describe what happened tonight. If I really wanted to admit it, it’s the only way to describe what happens every time he touches me.

I felt his hand cup my face and his lips touched mine and suddenly there wasn’t anyone else in the entire world. Just him, me and all those memories that he dug out of my heart. And he walked away. I let him into my soul again and he ran away. He’s getting really good at that and it scares me.

I can’t handle him walking away anymore. Every time he does it just hurts more and takes longer to deal with. If he keeps this up, Maria and I are going to have to buy stock in Ben and Jerry’s.

He already knows everything about me. I have no secrets from him. At this point, even if it weren’t for the connections, I don’t think I could have any secrets. So why does he keep turning away. It’s like some sort of test. Like walking over hot coals. If I can get all the way across the coals without getting burned, eventually I’ll be worthy of him.

It’s too late. He’s burned me through and through. I’m branded. I’m his and if he doesn’t want me I’ll go insane. He’s the only person that can make me happy and he knows it.

// Am I this far gone to be Making deals with God To have you, I would give what I haven't got But I haven't got anything I'd give anything, I'd give everything //

It’s official. I really have lost my mind. I’ve been praying for him to come back to me. For as long as I can remember I’ve prayed for a father that will love me. Now I’m praying that an alien will. The stupid part is that my only bargaining chip is to tell you that it’s ok if you don’t give me my dad, as long as I can have Michael.

Yeah, I’m sure that’s going over really well up there. I can practically hear you laughing at me. ‘that Silly little DeLuca girl is asking for the impossible again. When will she ever learn.’

I don’t want much in life. I just want him. Why is that too much for you to give me?

// Am I this far gone to be Making deals with God To have you I would give what I haven't got What I haven't got I'd give anything, oh yeah I'd give anything What I haven't got //

So what am I trying to say? He’s all that matters to me. I can be happy no matter what if I have him. But if I can’t ever understand him as well as he understands me, if I can’t have the luxury of telling him I love him with out him running away, nothing else matters. So take away whatever fate you had planned for me. Max Evan’s already changed it once didn’t he?

After all, I was supposed to die, wasn’t I? Or was that part of the plan? To show me the one thing I really need to be alive and then keep me from it. Well it’s not fair. Take away Harvard, take away a career in micro-biology, take away 2.5 future grandchildren for my parents to fawn over, I don’t need any of it. I just need him.

What else can I give up? What do I have to let you take before you’ll let me have his love?