I’m glad I have you to confide in. My precious journal which I bought initially so I could start a new life, a new life without Max. Well, I finally have my life without Max. He is never going to forgive me for sleeping with Kyle. Which was my goal I guess. Max has to fall out of love with me.

No one except Max and Tess know what’s up so far. Of course Kyle knows, but he also knows nothing really happened. I think Isabel could see the tension between Max and me. She saw how he treated me in the Congresswoman’s office before we went to Copper Summit. She also must have seen that Max has been a bit off lately, but I think she is too preoccupied with what happened in Copper Summit to do or say anything about it.

This secret is eating me up inside. I want it to stop, but I don’t know how it will ever stop. I obviously can’t tell anyone the truth. I know after a little time, it will get easier, but what if someone besides Max or Tess find out what happened. Will Max tell Isabel or Michael? And what about Tess? Will she confront Kyle about it? I’m doomed if Alex or Maria find out. They are my best friends in the world and they know I would never sleep with Kyle. I can’t lie to everybody. It’s hard enough lying to Max.

We all met a little earlier to talk about what happened to us in Copper Summit. I didn’t want to go, but Maria insisted that I go with her because Courtney was going to be there. Maria is freaking out because Michael saved Courtney’s husk. Just writing that word makes me cringe. I tried to reassure Maria, but sometimes Maria goes on these rants and it’s just easier to let her go off until she’s done. I really wish I could tell Maria what happened to me. I wish I could tell someone.

When Maria and I went down to the Crashdown to meet with the others, I saw Max and Tess sitting in a booth alone talking. They seemed really comfortable together. I knew when I saw them I couldn’t sit with them. I didn’t want to see them together. I didn’t want to see them getting closer. It hurts too much. There was nothing I could contribute to the little meeting anyway. Max saw everything I saw. When I tried to back out, Maria insisted I join in for her sake. I didn’t want to let her down so I sat down. Max completely avoided looking at me. I don’t think Maria noticed though, because at that point Michael walked in. Luckily my dad saved me from the actual meeting. I’m starting work at the Crashdown again on Saturday and he wanted to go over some things with me.

I’m not sure if I like the idea of working at the Crashdown again. I’ll see Maria and Michael all the time, because dad is sure to schedule me to work with them. I want to work with Maria it gives us a good chance to talk, but working with Maria and Michael also means that I’ll see Max and I really don’t want to be forced to see Tess and Max together. Will it ever get easier?

I guess I just need to focus on me again. What do I want out of life? I can’t be with Max, but that doesn’t mean I can’t have a good and happy life, right? I looked back and read part of my journal entries over the past couple of months. There was a time not too long ago that I was focusing on me and what I wanted out of the future. I need to do that again. Maybe I’ll look into doing some volunteering at the hospital. I did that a couple of summers ago and it was a rewarding experience. I can also focus more on my studies, do more extra credit or something. The busier I am the less I’ll think about Max and what I did to him and the less I’ll see him. He needs to move on and so do I.

Journal entry eighteen...

I start work at the Crashdown tomorrow. Fun fun!! My dad needs help and it is a paycheck so I guess I shouldn’t complain. Maria is still freaked out a bit about Courtney, no surprise there. Poor Alex. He was disappointed he missed our trip to Copper Summit. Maria and I filled him in on the details. He grilled us on what exactly happened to Isabel. I guess she’s been shutting him out a bit. He says that she’s hiding something from him. Maria and I are clueless at what she could be hiding. I hope she’s okay. I wanted to talk to her after Copper Summit. According to Maria, Nicholas really messed her up, but I haven’t really had the chance to see her. I can’t call her. I don’t want her to tell Max. I don’t want Max to talk to anyone about me. I’m afraid he’ll tell someone else what happened and I don’t think I can handle any accusing eyes right now. I think if he told Isabel, she would hate me. Not that I blame her, but it’s hard enough dealing with this alone. I don’t want everyone hating me for hurting Max.

God I’m tired. I haven’t been sleeping well. I guess I’ll go to bed early tonight.

Journal entry nineteen...

I am so proud of Maria. She really held it together and saved the day. Kyle too. Maria said Kyle took out a Skin all on his own. We can really accomplish a lot when we work together I guess. Today was so scary. As soon as we celebrated our success at destroying the time dimension thing, I ran home and hugged my Mom and Dad. I don’t know what I would do without them. They are my lifelines. I can’t tell them everything that is going on in my life, but just knowing that they are there, no matter what, helps me. They thought I was crazy when I came in and started hugging them. They didn’t even notice that anything weird had happened. I’m so glad they are okay.

Alex didn’t notice anything either. He said that the Sheriff was acting weird and all of a sudden his pancakes were cold. He was bummed he missed all the excitement. I tried to reassure him it wasn’t that exciting. That it was rather scary, but that didn’t help. I guess he wanted to help us and be there for Isabel. He’s been feeling a little bit left out lately. I wish there was something I could do to help him.

All I remember about disappearing is that I was in the car with Maria and Kyle driving to the billboard and I was telling Kyle that I couldn’t leave things like that with Max. Kyle tried to reassure me, but I was so upset. Then, all of a sudden, I was in the car alone by the billboard. I can’t imagine no one noticed it, I mean the town was full of fender benders and whole knows what else. I guess the Sheriff will have his hands full over the next couple of days.

I haven’t seen Max yet. I don’t think I can go on like this any more. The idea of never seeing him again and him thinking I betrayed him is too much. I can’t do that to him, no matter what the cost. Maybe I could tell him what happened and together we could find a way to keep Tess in town and still be together. Would he believe me if I told him? It’s kind of far fetched that a future version of himself traveled back in time to keep us from sleeping together. Oh I don’t know. All I know for sure is that if I had seen Max when I came back into town, I would have told him the truth. Now I just don’t know.

Later…

Maria just called. She got the scoop from Michael regarding what happened. It seems Tess saved the day. The Skins had them and Nicholas was stealing information from Max’s head when Tess did a mind warp thing that wiped them all out. I’m so glad they are safe. When I got back in town, I didn’t know for sure what happened to them and all I wanted to do after I made sure my parents were okay was find Max, but I stopped myself. Well, actually, my Dad stopped me. I was still working and the Crashdown was kind of crazy. It’s probably better that I didn’t have the chance to go find him though. I think I need to keep up this lie. Tess proved today that Max and the others really need her and the only way I can ensure that she stays in Roswell is for me to stay away from Max.

Tess and Max really seemed to have grown closer over the last few days. They are working together more and Max seems genuinely concerned about her. Before I deceived Max, he kept her at arms length, I guess in order to prove to me that nothing was happening between them. I can’t jeopardize what’s happening between them just so I can quit feeling so much guilt. That’s why I would be doing it after all, for myself… and also Max I guess. Max doesn’t deserve to be lied to. In the end, it really isn’t fair to him, but I just don’t know what else to do. I again wish I had someone to talk to, someone to tell me what to do. Can I do anything to make this better?

Maria hasn’t brought up what I said in the car. I kind of hope she’s forgotten it. Well, actually I don’t, I think I want her to remember. I want her to ask me about it. I want to tell her the truth. I want to tell someone the truth. But I can’t tell anyone. I can’t be the cause for so much destruction. I can’t let my love for Max cause the end of the world in 14 years. Max will get over it. Kyle told me in the car on the way to the billboard that ‘he’s Max, he’ll always know’ and I guess that’s true. Part of Max must know that I would never sleep with Kyle. I also think part of Max also knows that’s its better that we are apart. He has to see now that he will never escape his destiny and Tess is part of that destiny. Eventually he’ll get over me. It’ll take time I guess, but him and Tess share a history and a destiny. They have to save their home planet. It’s important that he concentrate on that rather than me.