So I don’t think I’ve actually slept since Max left, at least not a good sleep. Every time I close my eyes, I see Max. I understand why he doesn’t trust me. I’ve been lying to him and everyone else for weeks now. I remember the look on his face when he saw me and Kyle through my window. Then again when he asked me about it in Copper Summit. I'm surprised he doesn't hate me. I've hurt him so much. Now he's gone. And what if he never comes back? How can I live knowing I’ve caused him so much pain? I shouldn’t think like this. He has to come back. He just has to.

I know I look like hell. My parents probably don’t know what to think. I’ve been kind of avoiding Maria and Alex at school the last couple of days. I just don’t know what to say to them. They know I’m upset about Max leaving, they just don’t realize exactly why I’m upset. I wonder what he told his parents. Max is going to miss Thanksgiving. They can’t be happy about that. I haven’t talked to Isabel or Michael yet either. I’ve seen them both. They seem upset, especially Isabel. I want to say something that will help her. I just can’t think of anything to say to her. Her and Max were so close. I don't understand why he would leave her and Michael in Roswell to go with Lonnie and Rath.

I feel so responsible for Max leaving. I know it’s irrational. I mean I didn’t force him to leave town. But if I had told him the truth, I’m sure he would have stayed in Roswell. There just might have been other consequences. Ones that I couldn’t live with. I keep telling myself that I did the right thing. I did what I had to do. I keep telling myself this, because sooner or later I have to start believing it. It's just so hard. If I had told Max the truth, he would upset with me for lying to him, I know he would. But I think he would forgive me and insist that we could be together, because the future has already changed. I just don’t know if it has changed enough. There’s no way for me to know. I can’t take the chance that Tess will leave Roswell. I can’t be responsible for the world ending. I can’t live with that. But what can I do? I’m going crazy just sitting here doing nothing. The more I think about it, the more I don’t like it. He should never have left Michael and Isabel to go with Lonnie and Rath. He doesn’t even know them. How can he trust them? It’s not that I don’t trust them. I just don’t know them and anyway Rath gives me the creeps. Why would he kiss me and pretend he was Michael? It doesn’t make any sense. None of this makes sense. Why were the second set of pods placed in New York and why were they contacted to go this alien summit instead of Max?

I should probably try to get some sleep. I can’t think rationally anymore. I have all these questions with no answers and nothing makes sense. I know my parents are really starting to worry about me. I sit in my room for hours listening to depressing music and looking at my pictures of Max. It’s not healthy. I just feel so helpless right now. Maria’s been leaving me alone, but I know she’s worried as well. I’ve been in such a daze lately. I wish I could talk to her. Really talk to her.

Journal entry twenty-six…

I found Ava sleeping out by the dumpster earlier. I invited her to sleep in the back of the Crashdown. At first she refused, saying she’s slept in worse places and she’d be fine, especially since she’d be heading out of town soon. But I convinced her it was silly for her to sleep outside when there was a perfectly good couch in the back of the Crashdown that she could use. It took some persuading, but my folks said she could crash here for a while. I wonder why she didn’t leave with Lonnie and Rath. When I asked her, she just said that there wasn’t enough room in the car and that she was sick of Lonnie and Rath anyway so she decided to stay. It doesn’t make much sense, because Rath and Lonnie were like her family, the only family she had left. I tried to get her to talk more, but she said she was tired so I let her be. I think she misses Zan, her Max. When I mentioned his name, she really clammed up.

So there’s a rumor around school about me and Kyle. Just what I needed, huh? Maria asked me about it earlier. I lied to her face. That was so hard. I can’t believe I did it, and I can’t believe that she actually believed me. How could she believe I would sleep with Kyle? I guess I’m better at lying than I thought. Lying to Maria is so hard though. Keeping it from her was one thing, but lying directly to her face. She’s my best friend in the world. If there were anyone I could tell, it would be her. But I can’t. I have to keep this to myself. What if she let it slip? But she’s my best friend. And how did this rumor get started anyway? I just want this all to be over, but I don’t think it ever will be.

Later…

Well, I told Maria and I feel so much better. It's amazing that telling someone your secret could make you feel better, but I do. I feel so much better. I feel like the weight of the world has been lifted off my shoulders. It was like when I told her about Max last year. I needed someone to talk to and I trust Maria, more than anyone. It was only natural that I should tell her and now I don’t know why I didn’t tell her before. It was stupid of me to keep this from her and lie to her. She won’t say anything. She’s my best friend and she loves me. She understands that it’s an ‘alien’ thing and that we need to keep it to ourselves. Maybe I’ll actually be able to sleep tonight. I just feel so much better after telling her the truth. It was silly to keep this to myself for so long. Of course, I still feel incredibly guilty about Max leaving. I hope he is okay. I'm so worried. I just wish there was something I could do.

Journal entry twenty-seven…

Ava had a nightmare about Zan’s death. She was so upset. She woke my parents with her screaming. I tried to explain to them that it was okay, but they said she had to leave. They think she could be a bad influence on me. Her appearance is rather startling, especially here in Roswell. I did persuade them to wait till after Thanksgiving at least. She can’t even catch a bus until then. They reluctantly agreed and my dad even said she could join us for Thanksgiving dinner. I don't think my mom liked that idea, but she didn't say anything. Ava’s nightmare was Zan’s death. She actually saw him die. Poor thing. She didn’t want to talk about it though. I think she’s hiding something. Maybe I’ll get her to open up a little tomorrow. She really is sweet.

I feel so much better after telling Maria the truth. I finally feel like I can make it through this ordeal, because Maria knows and she’s on my side. I wish I knew where Max was though. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. His parents must be worried sick and poor Isabel.

Max wherever you are, I hope you know that there are a lot of people in Roswell who love you and miss you and want you to come home.

Journal entry twenty-eight…

I don’t know where to begin. So much stuff has happened today. Amazing stuff. Scary stuff. I’m so exhausted, scared and excited, all at once. Scared what it might all mean and I'm also excited about what it might mean. I'm afraid to write it down. It's so unreal and if I write it down… It was like a dream. Maybe it was a dream, but it felt real. Maybe I just need to step back and look at this from a scientific point of view. I need to analyze the situation as a scientist. I can't write it down yet. I think I need time to work it out in my head. Maybe I'll try to get some sleep.

Who am I kidding? I can't sleep. It's only 11pm anyway and I don't have school tomorrow. Isabel and Michael went home an hour ago. Isabel said she would call as soon as she heard from Max. I hope she calls soon. I don't think I can wait much longer. Ava is sitting on my balcony reading a book I gave her. I asked her to give me more details about what's happened to me, but she said she really doesn't know much. She just knew I could reach Max. I didn't want to press her. She's been really helpful and I'm really grateful for her help. I just need someone to explain to me how I did what I did.

Later…

Isabel called. Max is okay and he and Tess are coming home. Thank God he is okay. I was so scared. Isabel also said he saw me. He really saw me. She also said that seeing me saved him. Lonnie and Rath tried to kill him, but thanks to me, they failed. He didn't believe her at first that it was really me reaching out to him. It is a difficult thing to believe. Thinking back on it now, it was so unreal. I was here in Roswell and somehow, I reached with my mind and heart and I found Max in New York. I can’t even put into words what it was like. I saw him across a busy street. It was like I was there, but I wasn’t. I was downstairs. I was trying so hard to scream at him, to let him know that Lonnie and Rath were going to hurt him. It was all so surreal. Thank God he's okay and coming home. That's all that matters. Now that I know he is okay, maybe I can sleep.

Journal entry twenty-nine…

Isabel called to let me know that Max is flying into Albuquerque tonight. I really want to talk to him. I hope he wants to talk to me too. He said before he left that he couldn't be my friend, because he couldn't let go of what we used to have. I want to go back to what we used to have. I feel so connected to Max and now I know why. He changed me. I mean physically changed me. I look the same, but I feel different. I've felt different ever since the day Max healed me. I just never knew why I felt different. I thought it was because the way I felt about Max, but it was more, so much more. I was able to reach out to Max with my mind and contact him even though he thousands of miles away. I'm connected to him in a way that defies explanation, and you know what, I think that together we can work through anything. I believe that. I really do. That's why I'm thinking about telling Max the truth about Kyle and why I did what I did. I need to think about it more before I decide, but if he were to show up at my window right now, I would tell him.

Ava is leaving tomorrow. I tried to get her to stay in Roswell, but she said she couldn't. She felt it was time for her to move on and maybe find a life of her own. I'll really miss her. I owe a lot to her. She was the reason we were able to warn Max in time. I wish I could get her to stay, but I think she doesn't wasn’t to deal with seeing Max day after day. I can understand that. Max and Zan look alike, even act alike according to what Ava said about Zan, and seeing Max would just bring back bad memories of Zan's death. She blames herself for not stopping Lonnie and Rath. I doubt that there was anything she could do, but she hasn't accepted that yet. I really hope she finds what she's looking for and maybe one day she can be happy. I also hope I'll see her again someday.

So I've had some time to think about what's happened to me. I'm still a little freaked out about it. I'm trying to look at the situation like scientist would, but since it's happening to me, it's really hard to separate myself enough to do that. Max once told me he healed me by manipulating molecular structure, but he never really elaborated on that. He was somehow able to make the bullet that was in me go away and then repair the damage, but how? I wonder if he knows how he did it or maybe it's just a natural ability for him. Maybe all he had to do was concentrate on what he wanted to happen and it did. He wanted the bullet to be gone and me to quit bleeding so that's what happened. It was kind of like that when I contacted Max. I didn't really understand what I was doing I just did it. I concentrated on contacting Max and somehow I did.

There's also Cadmium X to think about. It's a residual of Max and the others using their powers. Maybe that is what changed me. Alter my body chemistry somehow so I have increased mental powers. Oh, I don't know. I may never know. Ava didn't know how Max changed me, she just knew that he did. She didn't even tell me how she knew Max changed me. I wonder if I can do more. I wonder if I can communicate with anyone else like that or is it just Max, because I am so connected to him. I'm kind of scared what this change in me could mean.

I told Maria about it. I'm never going to keep anything from her ever again. She pointed out that me being changed is probably the reason I got flashes from Max and even Nasedo when he pretended he was Max. She never got flashes from Michael, but Michael got flashes from her. It makes sense, I guess. She also pointed out that if I have changed, then so has Kyle. I wonder how Kyle will feel about having special abilities no one else has. Could he contact Max like I did? This is just too weird!! I definitely need more time to think about this.

Journal entry thirty…

Ava just left. I think I'm going to miss her. I owe her so much. I gave her my phone number. I hope she calls me if she needs anything. It can't be easy for her to go off on her own. All she's ever known was her life in New York with Zan, Lonnie, and Rath. Now Zan is dead and Lonnie and Rath were responsible for his death so she can never go back to them. I hope everything works out for her.

I've been doing some thinking about telling Max the truth about Kyle. If Max had stopped by last night, there is no doubt in my mind that I would have told him the truth. Now I'm not so sure. I want to, but I just don't know if it's the right thing to do. Max and Tess are closer, and I can't risk interfering with that. I love Max so much, but maybe it's just not meant to be. Oh God, I don't know what to do.

Later…

Max just left. We're going to be friends again. I'm happy about it, I really am, even though for an instant I thought he wanted more. I know I want more, but just being friends again will be enough though. It has to be. I can’t expect more than that, not after what I’ve done to him. And certainly not after what he thinks I’ve done to him.

He asked me about Kyle. I didn't tell him the truth. I couldn't say anything actually. I just tensed up and I think I nodded my head. I don't even know. He took it as a nod though. He left thinking I actually slept with Kyle. I hope I did the right thing by not telling him the truth. We can be friends again and that's what matters most, right? We can talk and laugh again, without hurt the hurt feelings between us.