To: Liz@stepback.net>Fm: Alex@friendcircle.org>Subject: I can't sort this out!

Alex...she thought. I love him of course...in the friendly way I have for years...but I really need to hear from Max. Oh well, might as well see what Alex is up to.

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"Oh...I need the decode routine Alex gave me", she said aloud for no apparent reason. She slips the disk into her computer.

To: Liz@stepback.net
Fm: Alex@friendcircle.org
Subject: I can't sort this out!

Liz,

Ever since our night in jail together my life has been nothing but contradictions. The only good thing to come out of that is I'm finally back in the loop with you and Maria. Man... how I missed that...we'd been doing things for so long...you can't imagine how it was to be shut out... listening to you and Maria talk about Czechoslovakians, evading everything I'd ask...you two not even being willing to study together with me anymore. I know you didn't mean to hurt me... and I now know why you did it...but it still was an agonizing time. But now...the circle is bigger and I feel like I'm orbiting around the outside of it. I know I have no one to blame but myself. I forced the issue. I'm sure you thought that telling me the secret "not yours to tell" was better than letting me blow the whistle on the whole thing. One minute I agree with you totally. The next minute, I'm not so sure. Maybe I should have just trusted you and my life would still be normal. I would have trusted you if it weren't for the loneliness I was feeling. I saw a way to force myself back into what I thought would be the old group. Please forgive me for that. I know it made you break a rather sacred promise.

I sometimes wonder if I made a mistake? As for the expanded circle, one minute I'm excited to be part of it...and the next I'm longing for my old life back.

Liz, I don't know where I am in all of this. I used to not even believe in aliens. Max Evans was just a nice quiet guy I'd say "hi" to... not even "hey" to... once in awhile. Isabel Evans, I was sure, would never give me the time of day; and Michael Guerin... I certainly would never have given a second thought. I was sure he was a loser.

It seems now that my life is all wound up with theirs whether or not I like it or whether or not they like it. I don't know how I feel about this. Did you or do you feel the same?

I'm attracted to Isabel...and it does not make sense. Could two people be any different? Yet she talks to me like she actually likes me. She even gave me a kiss. I wish I knew if there was something to it or if she does it just because of what I know. I actually like Michael now too. I never knew how smart he really is...if he wants to be. He and Maria are an evening's entertainment whenever they're together.

And Max...somehow I just feel like he can always make things OK, even if there's a total disaster going on around us. What is it about these people? I know you told me you've had crush on Max since the third grade. Is it different now that you know more about him? Do you think you know too much about him? Does knowing that you could take away his freedom...indeed maybe even his existence... anytime you to want give you an uneasy feeling? It does me. I get the feeling these folks just tolerate me because they now have to. You gave me the power to totally stop their lives too. I'm afraid someday I might accidentally do that or even be forced to do it...and the burden is upsetting.

What do we really know about these people? I'm not talking about their origin...they had no control over that. I'm talking about their psyche. How far are they willing to go to avoid being discovered? If anyone found out their secret and threatened to expose them, would they kill to protect themselves? I can't imagine ...oh forget I said that...I know they'd let the chips fall rather than do anyone any harm. They'd probably make a run for it. Does that mean we'd have to run too? See what I struggling with? Maybe if I could get to know them better...but I don't know how to make that happen. I talk to Isabel. She answers my questions, but doesn't say much more. I just wish they'd ask me for something besides my silence. I think that would open a door. I like them...but I want it to be like with you and Maria. I want to feel totally comfortable and as yet I don't. Maybe I'm just trying to make sure they deserve the trust they are asking for and yet somehow I already totally trust them. I've got these weird doubts, yet I feel this great desire to help them. What a contradiction! I think they have as much right to whatever living life here can give them as anyone. The country welcomes aliens from other countries every day, why not other worlds? There's no question they are basically good people.

Liz...you got me into this...well OK... I forced you to bring me into this strange world of paradoxes. It's almost like we have to live as much of a secret life as our new friends. In some ways it's exciting, in some ways it's unnerving. I feel uncomfortable. Does living this way bother you? How are you coping with it? Is there anything more I can do to earn everyone's trust? I helped Michael when he was sick...but has he said thanks? Not directly...yet somehow I know he appreciates what everyone did. How do I know this? Can't explain it. I can't stand these contradictions much longer. I think too logically and none of this is logical. Liz... I need normal. Help!

Alex

Liz sighs...first Max, now Alex...how can I explain that things will never again be the normal he once knew again. Am I the only one who gets how normal works? How can I...

"bing bing bong...you've got mail", her computer interrupts. This time is says,

Fm: Max at scared.com