Her computer shows

>314t28foeqwnfcw-023485v0hjrfwlkjnmfpwel[]w =3wio -34k3ot=230-012w=iws09 >*(&*&^~`~284535u3pk4[lh]6[5p=5707=n,.pu]=.5pyu[pk=-*(&*&^~`~284535u3pk4[lh]6[5p=5707=n,.pu]=.5pyu[pk=-96-,ly[]ypr[]p;[y;j]tol[poy]teoe >iutpuvtietypoteih[5o0=u597-0krt;ylkhylh;'rylytjlum;';lylmgtpebltpl[phykj[tk[ >otkhpotrkhrkh[okhytkj[lt[jpltp[jl[ptlp[ nbkrltohp[rtlh[prhokyjoyktjotkm[tk[tuk>

She inserts Alex' decoder disk.

>239854y924vn-3it-3pokjtipoertg093iugig35-0itm-35it-35ug0hwekwemnweoiut3058t-ei45-0ig34 >wrlkjhg34t0v358t09m590gu093ut035jglkfdmb lrsl;fgmwelkvnkjn ,xcekfihwroufgwoirjfowkfe,fewe>kjfgoirwjgrejg rwjrwjwr erwojpwojfwejfwejfwjwepjp3784r30!@#$%^!~~!^*hkfdjgrewkgrl;grg >gdljfldkgl;rkgl;fkglfkg;sdlf;dlf';sdlf';sdlf';kmk;hbjrthrtkhoprtjhkjbkdjbijbietnjvlsdkojfinvbfnvkmss >nbvflkjgkfjgkfjgklfjdkfdjgkfdjgkfjdbkmkdmb;dmb;lmdmb>klfgoergnkrkjgrkjgrep>

Oh no..it's not working...she's almost in tears. She glances up at a picture of Max on her desk. As she touches it she also touches the computer screen...and suddenly the letters rearrange and become clear. I'll have to ask Alex about that she thinks... THE MAIL>>
To:liz@stepback.net
Fm: mevans@scared.com

Liz,

Heh!...I've read you e-mail about 100 times...that is after I got Alex' decoder to work right. If you were going to tell someone my life's secret he should have at least been competent. Just kidding! We left off so sadly I thought I'd lighten the picture for a moment.

Liz, I'm glad you agree the step back was the right thing. I REALLY needed some time. Too much has been happening. Be assured that I'd never knowingly ask you to step off a cliff. The problem is, being attached to me, it might be necessary to step whether you want to or not. Forewarned is forearmed someone said. Thanks for pointing out that all I've been doing recently is putting out fires and responding to events. You're right when you say I've been so busy trying to be normal I'd forgotten what normal was. I think I can regain my "own normal". I'll do it and soon.

Your letter made me think. You know, I told you that I did not blame you for hesitating to help Michael. In hindsight, that was not true. I think I subconsciously did blame you. (I don't any more.) At the time, I couldn't understand how someone who loves me and whom I trust completely could not jump in to help keep my best friend alive. Later, as I understood the concern was for me, I could see what happened. At the time it shook me up. Michael, with all his faults, still is someone I can't be without. I cannot carry what I need to by myself. I don't want this to sound chauvinistic, but I can't put it on Isabel either. I know you also offer help, but I can't do that to you, ask you to carry my burdens.

If Michael had died I might have just given up. At very least it would have taken me a long time to reconcile it. Thank God he's OK. The best thing to come out of that situation is for us to realize we cannot have any relationship that does not take into account everyone involved. I think now this includes six people. One thing I know is we cannot have any more people knowing that which could take our lives from us...although I fear my mother may figure things out sooner or later.

If she does, I'll have to live with that, but I'm not going to hasten the day if there's any way around it. I'm so afraid of losing her love that I can't bring myself to confirm what I think she already knows.

I guess what I'm saying is I'm not feeling secure, and the more people that know the less secure I feel. I can't blame you for Alex. From what you said, I'd likely not be here now if you hadn't told him the truth. The problem is, he got too close in the first place. Likewise Maria! But, what's done is done...and I think Maria is so good for Michael that I almost might have told her myself. It's also nice for Isabel to have someone else she can be open with. I tell you this because you've been the catalyst for everyone that knows. Please be careful with all six lives. I worry about how much danger you and the others are in because I wanted someone to talk to. I know you'll be careful regardless of whatever relationship we decide we can or can't have.

I agree with you that our not seeing each other at all is out of balance the other way. I struggle with how much we can be together. I am and I always will be your friend. You're right about the soul mate thing; I feel it too and that also scares me. If you're smart, it will scare you too. As for something more, as I told you before, I'm not afraid of something between us working. I'm afraid of it working really well. I gather you now agree there is danger in that. You are I are like a narcotic to each other. Good feelings result and more and more is required. I don't know if we can control this addiction. I admit I've got it and it scares me. I cannot and will not allow myself to turn off the world again.

You chastise me for worrying too much. I think that's probably true, but there is so much I don't know about myself (like I ought to stay out of Riverdog's sweat lodge) that I have to be on guard. Anytime you're with me, you're going to have to be on guard too? Are you willing...I mean really willing? Your statement about the incident with Michael not totally proving we don't belong together, I'm still not sure. Heaven knows I want it to be. Your point about someone getting cancer or getting hit by a truck... I see where you're coming from...but you need to know something weird like Michael's illness could happen to me. I honestly don't know what might cause it or what it could be...maybe...if we're lucky... nothing like that will ever happen again. I bless you for reminding me that life will just stop if I just worry about that. I've got to assume normal on that score; just be a Boy Scout about it. I get what you say that makes me kind of "human". While symptoms might be different, any person can have some sort of life threatening situation at any time. In that I guess I'm not so different. The problem is, conventional medicine might save a heart attack victim, but would have done nothing for Michael. Can you live with that risk? More than that, can you really respond without fear? I have to know that one of my worries would not be you in any situation like that. Concern of course, but not a freeze up fear. You say not to worry about you, but I can't help it. Despite your contention, I am high risk. We can follow our hearts while we're young, but we have to use our heads too. We have to realize anything we might have now ...I can't see how it could go on forever. At very least it might have to be put on hold until the next life. I'm not sure a relationship like that is in either of our interests, as much as we want it to be. I'm not sure it's not either, I just don't know.

Something hit me as I was reading what you wrote and it almost made me cry. It was your little list of things to plan for the future. Not that such a plan is a bad idea. What better cover could I have than going to college and having a rewarding, but not too high profile career. The thing that hurts is, if I was truly able to have a normal earth life, you would have included marriage and family in the list. I suppose you left that out on purpose as it defeats your argument. How could I do that? What kind of family life could I offer even if I could cut my "worry" in half? There would always be the possibility that I would either be found out and taken away or would have to disappear. Either way I'd have to leave something precious behind. And who knows if I could ever have children. The hardware is there, but would the software work? It sounds like crossing an IBM computer with a Macintosh. Maybe if we learn enough biology (if I could have you help me study mine...wait...nah, I didn't say that) we could figure out yes or no; but even if it would work, would it be right? That would be creating a new life form. I'd have to be convinced that wouldn't be playing God. What traits would such a life form inherit? I created enough problems for myself by innocently healing a bird when I was six. (My mom has that on tape unfortunately) What about a two year old with such powers...assuming they were transferable...which is a big unknown. It's all...as you like to say...complicated. We could adopt, I hear you cry. But the same argument applies. What if daddy had to go away. All this is making me too sad. Just like with my mother's suspicions, the only way I can cope with this is to ignore it. If I don't, I might as well go show the sheriff how I can turn his badge into a silver dollar. You see, I can approximate a normal person but I cannot be one, despite what you say. I wish more than anything it were otherwise. I still don't think it fair to ask you to give up so much just to be with me. You can have a regular (I dare not say normal any more) life Liz. Are you sure you don't want one? I'm not worth it Liz.

I do appreciate your suggestion of defining normal and living it. As I said, I'll work on it...but it has to be a normal for me.

Nevertheless I do need a plan for the present and the future...even if it changes a hundred times, which it probably will. If life would just slow down long enough maybe I could imagine one. But then I'd have to imagine it both with and without you...and I'm not ready for either scenario yet.

Your line about being too unique to function hit home. I suppose you're right there. I may have been engaging in some self pity...but can you blame me? I'm really not too unique to function. I just have to function a little differently.

Back to us for a moment. The thing that makes you so addicting is that you are the only person I can be truly, totally off guard with. Michael and Isabel still look to me as some kind of group organizer, so I have to play that role. With everyone else there's the covering my heritage thing. With you neither matters. I don't know how I can control my emotions with you. It's so relaxing to just be me, I want it...and I think I need it.

If, after all these musings you still want to get together, we could take a small step...like let's go to the dance next week. I'll pick you up...take you home...maybe give you a kiss good night. If we can control it, we'll go from there. If it gets out of control...well, you know what we'll have to do. If we can be together enough to make each other happy and keep the addiction under control... at the same time knowing that anything more serious would probably require us to each give more than "humanly" possible, then let's go for it. Again, I'd give anything if these problems could be solved. You know I said "we don't belong together". That's my head. I didn't say we shouldn't be together. That's my heart I do love you so very much.