YOU HAVE REQUESTED A SECURE DOCUMENT. I'M HOPING THIS CREATES SOME!

My Max,

It's been some time since you asked me to take a step back. As you know, I'd take a step off a cliff or anything you ask, anytime you ask. I want to share what I see and feel from this stepped back location. First of all...you are absolutely right. I now feel the same way you do. Not long ago, all I wanted to do was be with you; nothing else mattered. I think we were at the beginning of enjoying a more serious relationship and, like a new toy when you first get it, you spend too much time with it. We both turned off the world.

Unfortunately, we were at that oblivious stage when Michael's curiosity almost cost him his life. I have this recurring dream that Michael didn't make it. In my dream, I feel his spirit haunting me. It says, "I was sure you were my friend. What happened when I needed you most?" I have to keep reminding myself that he's really OK. I feel so guilty I've had to go see him a couple of times just so I can assure myself that he's really still the same Michael we all love. In my dream, he did not make it because, without my strength at the beginning and because I distracted you, there wasn't enough power in the circle.

Yes...you pegged it...I WAS worried that it might have been you. That was selfish. You weren't in trouble, Michael was. I know now that 2 people cannot shut out the world just to be together.

Max, life is a sum of it's parts...and other people, places and things are a part of it. No matter how great something is, it cannot be all consuming. You are absolutely right when you say we need balance. I want to give you my solemn promise that I'll never fail to act to help another again. To do so would be an insult to what you did for me. That having been said, there's this other problem. Life without you as a part of it IS AS OUT OF BALANCE as was life with you to the exclusion of everything else.

I can't not see you. If I don't, I'll spend too much time thinking about you and worrying about you. There's no balance in constant thinking and worrying either. Let's get together soon. As for being scared, I'm over that now. Let me share with you why you needn't be too scared any more either.

Alex told me that, while talking with Isabelle, Iz told him that both you and she were really very human in lot of ways. You know, as I think about it, she's right. You really should not have to live with much more fear than anyone else. You worry about what is normal. You worry about pretending to be normal. You worry about not being normal. You worry that things might not appear normal. You worry about reality. I'm worried that you worry too much. Sometimes you worry so much you forget what you know is real. For example, when Michael was sick, you worried that 16 might just be your life cycle...that what was happening to him was normal. You forgot what you already knew. Riverdog had told us the man he helped years before was older than you. See? You create your own fear by always expecting the worst. There is absolutely no reason that, with a little bit of caution and common sense, that you can't have a life that includes something besides worry. Think about it Max. Everyone on this planet (or anywhere else) has his or her own "normal". What you found out when Michael got sick is simple. It's that you probably shouldn't visit Riverdog's sweat lodge. For you, that's a normal way of life. That's really easier to avoid than it is say for a person who has a peanut allergy and who could die from accidentally eating just one nut. There are people with that condition. To them, not eating peanuts is "normal" because it has to be. They have to be careful, but it does not stop them from living, loving, and functioning. One peanut allergy like discovery in 10 years that might be might cause a life-threatening situation for you is really pretty good odds.

It certainly does not prove to me that we don't "belong together" when so much tells me otherwise. You know what? I promise to remind you not to go to the sweat lodge.

You worry about being discovered as "not of this world." Now, I grant you do have to keep that secret...not because of anything you've done...but because of how others would respond. This is not any different than a poor man I heard about with mixed racial blood. He inherited all the "right" genes and was totally socially acceptable because, from appearance, he was the same as all his friends. Then, someone found out his true heritage and now he's shunned and all alone. If you want to feel badly for someone with a secret, go watch the film "School Ties".

Yes, there are people who have to keep personal secrets. It's too bad that society forces such situations, but...yes, for you that's "normal". You've done it for 10 years. It's doable. Don't worry about it; just keep doing what you've always done. You invited me to help you live with that secret. Know what? I'm ready willing and able. Some "different" gene sequences in your physical body for me in no way detract from who you are. It finally hit me too why you told Alex he saved your life at the hospital. It took me awhile to get it. I knew and I think he knew that you really weren't in danger of dying. What you meant was he saved your "life" as you know it. The government would have certainly changed it for you had a new blood type been discovered. But you know, the government treats a lot of people that way. Ideally they should treat you no differently that an immigrant from Czechoslovakia. Since you know they won't, avoiding the government for you is "normal". However, you're not the only one that avoids the government. Guess what? People do it every day. I'll do your taxes and make sure you don't get arrested.

You also worry about your heritage. So do a lot of people...genealogy is big time on the Internet. Maybe some day there will inter-galaxy connections.

In the meantime, do what you can, find out what you can, but don't obsess about something you cannot control. There are many people who don't even know as much as you do about where they came from. You did not ask to be here, but I thank God every day that you are.

Max, you can have a good life. You have parents that love you, friends that would do anything for you, and me that can't live without you. You really don't have to PRETEND anything is normal...just decide what is normal for you and live it, keeping in mind that a person's "normal" can change at any time; not just yours, anyone's. Despite Michael's dream that a spaceship might swoop down and take you all away, that's not likely to happen. It has not happened in 10 or 20 years. You cannot live as if that possibility is "normal". Sure, it might happen...but so might the Second Coming. You need to be planning for the future, not assuming you don't have one. I see you as a part of it for a long time. You're smart and have a lot to offer to others. School...work... college...career... why not? It's trite, but true; the only thing you have to fear is fear. You are so much better off, even with your personal "normal" restrictions than so many others in this world (or probably other worlds) that to OD worrying about how you are too unique to function is not fair to anyone; especially yourself.

One last thing. Don't worry about me. You know, I could "be together" with someone else. That someone might never have a problem, or he might get cancer, have a heart attack, or get run over by a garbage truck. There are no guarantees in life. I know that. If something took you from me or me from you, fond memories would eventually overtake emptiness. You MIGHT just be in the slightly higher risk category of someday being gone from my life, but I'll take that chance. Our souls have bonded somehow. You'll never be far from my thoughts. You were present when my grandmother told me to "follow your heart." I think she meant that for you too. When you follow your heart, you make your own normal, even if it means risk. Life is boring without some risk isn't it?

Isn't it just normal for us to be together... in a balanced sort of way of course...to look out for each other...and not to worry about things we cannot control? Isn't better to take advantage of each other's strengths and control the things we can? I'm here Max. Just tell me when I can take a baby step forward. Love,