#310 A Tale Of Two Parties – Transcript
[New Year’s day 7:31 AM: Jesse opens the door to the apartment, and finds Isabel and Kyle laying on the couch, her head is in his lap- Michael wakes up in Liz’s bedroom]
[acoustic guitar plays- Mr. Parker is singing]
Mr. Parker: write me a postcard – 3 little words – draw me a picture – show me where you are.-..
[Michael moans] MICHAEL: hey.
LIZ: Good morning. How you feeling?
MICHAEL: Better.
LIZ: Quite a night you had.
MICHAEL: Yeah, both of us. What about Maria?
LIZ: Who knows? I think that she and Max spent the night together.
[Seven and a half hours earlier- Loud rumble- Max and Maria see lights over the hill] MARIA: thank you so much for this, Max. Really, I should have never doubted you.
MAX: No problem. So you ready?
MARIA: I’ve been thinking about this my whole life. I am so ready.
MAX: Then let’s go. oh, i am what i am
[New Year’s Eve 6:32 PM- telephone rings] ISABEL: hello?
JESSE: Don’t be mad.
ISABEL: Where are you?
JESSE: Houston, and I just missed my connecting flight.
[Sighs] ISABEL: it’s ok.
JESSE: No, it’s not. I’m really sorry.
ISABEL: It’s fine.
JESSE: Look, do me a favor? Don’t just sit at home alone. Go out, have a good time, enjoy the night for both of us.
ISABEL: I don’t know.
JESSE: Please, Isabel, it’s bad enough I’m gonna be stuck in an airport, I don’t want you to have a crappy New Year’s, too. Please.
ISABEL: Ok.
[Liz is talking to Maria] LIZ: This isn’t fair.
MARIA: I’m really sorry, petunia, but in about 3 minutes I’m out of here.
LIZ: You’re never gonna find it.
MARIA: Oh, please. This year, I’m gonna find it. Trust me.
Mr. Parker: Find what? Enigma.
LIZ: You know about enigma?
Mr. Parker: I’ve only lived here all my life. That secret New Year’s eve party has been going on since before I was your age.
LIZ: Well, did you ever find it?
Mr. Parker: Once. Did you dish up the tapioca?
LIZ: 50 times. Dad…
Mr. Parker: Daughter.
LIZ: Come on, you don’t really need me to be doing this.
Mr. Parker: Liz, you and i have done this party together since you were, like, this high. It’s a family tradition.
LIZ: What, that I wait on a bunch of geriatrics for all eternity?
Mr. Parker: I’ll tell you what, when you’re finally a resident of the desert inn retirement community, then you don’t have to come here for New Year’s eve.
LIZ: Gee, thanks.
[Sighs] MARIA: petunia, work on him. I have a feeling he’ll weaken. Otherwise, I’ll tell you about enigma tomorrow morning. Bye.
[Michael comes into the backroom as Maria is clocking out- they bump into each other] MARIA: oh, sorry.
MICHAEL: Sorry.
[Laughs] MICHAEL: so enigma, huh?
MARIA: Yep. And no, I don’t think it’s lame or stupid or any of the other 50 insults you’re about to spew out.
MICHAEL: I wasn’t going to spew. Just talking.
MARIA: So what are you doing tonight?
MICHAEL: I don’t know. TV, play-station… Something.
MARIA: Alone?
MICHAEL: Yeah.
MARIA: What about Max? Why don’t you two go, I don’t know, look for a party or something?
MICHAEL: Oh, yeah, he’s the original party animal. I’d rather surf the tube. Have fun.
MARIA: Hey, wait. You wanna come find enigma with me?
MICHAEL: Wouldn’t that violate the whole “we’re not dating anymore” thing?
MARIA: It’s not a date. It’s a scavenger hunt looking for party clues, and 2 heads are better than one. No midnight kiss, no pawing in the back seat. We just find the party and then go our separate ways till dawn. Deal?
MICHAEL: Deal.
[Kyle is praying in front of his Buddha statue] [exhales] KYLE: thank you. Now that my immortal soul has been cleansed…
[Coughs] on to more terrestrial concerns. It’s been a dry couple years. Kyle needs a woman. Kyle needs her badly. Kyle needs her tonight.
[Knock on door] KYLE: oh, thank you! But if that’s a Jehovah’s witness, I’m coming back here.
[Knock knock knock] ISABEL: hi.
KYLE: Hey.
ISABEL: Kyle Valenti, it is your lucky night. Rudolph’s shiny New Year! No?
KYLE: No, I can’t. I’m going out.
ISABEL: On New Year’s eve?
KYLE: Yeah, imagine that.
KYLE: I’m going to that enigma thing.
ISABEL: Really? Do you know where it is?
KYLE: No, but I’m going to find out.
ISABEL: Hmm. Or you could save yourself the aggravation and buddy up here with Rudolph and his shiny New Year. Oh, and… I brought goobers.
KYLE: Tempting, but no.
ISABEL: Jesse missed his flight and is stuck in Houston. I had this whole romantic evening planned and I had to scrap it.
KYLE: Boo-hoo.
ISABEL: Kyle, it’s enigma.
KYLE: Yeah, it’s just sex, drugs, and whatever’s passing for rock and roll these days. Why would I want to go there?
ISABEL: Ok, fine. Well, do you mind if an old married lady tags along?
[Sighs] KYLE: ok, but I’m warning you, I’m a man on a mission: Sex or death. So don’t get in my way, and don’t cramp my style.
ISABEL: You have style?
KYLE: Hey!
ISABEL: Ok, hey. Let’s go. Where’s the first clue?
KYLE: At the high school. Mr. Seligman’s room. All right. Bring the goobers. I’m driving.
[Laughs] [Max and Liz are talking] LIZ: I’m sorry.
MAX: It’s all right. I had a feeling he wasn’t going to let you get off work.
LIZ: So what are you gonna do?
MAX: Go back to Michael’s and avoid New Year’s rockin’ eve.
LIZ: Why don’t you just go out with Maria and Michael? To enigma?
LIZ: Uh-huh.
MAX: I’m not really a party guy, Liz. I’m more of A… One-on-one guy.
LIZ: Well, I like one-on-one, but parties are very fun, too. No, seriously, when was the last time that you went out and had fun at a party with people you didn’t know?
MAX: I don’t know.
LIZ: Exactly. Come on, there’s no reason both of us should have a crummy New Year’s.
MAX: I’d feel like a third wheel.
LIZ: No, you would be a guy hanging out with his 2 best friends on New Years, and you’d be having a really good time. Right?
MAX: I need more convincing.
[Liz kisses Max] MAX: I almost believed it-
LIZ: good-bye. I have to go back downstairs.
MAX: All right. Ok. But on one condition: Midnight comes and we’re together.
LIZ: How are we gonna do that? I’m gonna be downstairs and you are gonna be out-
MAX: we find a way. Somehow, some way, we make it happen.
LIZ: Max.
MAX: Liz.
LIZ: Ok. We’ll find a way.
MAX: Ok. See you at midnight.
[Liz is greeting guests arriving for the Crashdown party] LIZ: make a resolution and stick it on the cactus. Thank you so much. Happy New Year.
Mr. Parker: Ok, watch your step. Oh, thank you.
LIZ: Don’t forget to make a resolution and stick it on the cactus. Here we go. Happy New Year. Happy New Year. There you go. Yep. Make your resolution one time a year. Happy New Year. Here you go.
Jane: Hi, Liz.
LIZ: Hi.
Jane: Jane Covendall. We met a couple of months ago, remember? The movie thing?
LIZ: Oh, yes, i do. Hi, how are you?
Jane: Out to pasture, but I’m doing just fine now. How are you?
LIZ: I’m ok.
Jane: Who’s the “guy Lombardo” over there?
LIZ: Ah, that’s Jim Valenti and his band, the kit shickers.
Jane: Did you just say-
LIZ: no, no, no. It’s the kit shickers. It sounds bad, but it isn’t.
Jane: Mm-hmm. Well, I sure hope those bastards can play.
[Mr Parker walks up to Liz] LIZ: Uh, hi. How about a compromise? I will stay for the party, but then once we’ve done the whole stupid “pretend it’s midnight at 10:30 thing” I’m outta here. Ok?
Mr. Parker: First of all, when you’re 80 and you wanna be in bed by 11:00, you might not think it’s so stupid. Second of all, I’m not gonna get stuck with doing all the clean-up myself.
LIZ: Ugh!
Mr. Parker: And third, I don’t want you and Max catting around the desert all night.
LIZ: Catting around?
Mr. Parker: Sweetie, your plans for this evening are set.
[Michael, Max and Maria are breaking into the school] MICHAEL: Watch it.
MAX: Don’t pull.
MAX: You know this is breaking and entering.
MARIA: Well, if we get caught, we’ll party in jail.
MICHAEL: The girl wants to party.
MARIA: This is the first clue. Hut, hut. That’s football, right? Maybe the party’s on the football field. I don’t know. That’s too easy.
MICHAEL: So why are you really here?
MAX: What are you talking about? I’m looking for enigma.
MICHAEL: Did Liz put you up to this? Are you a chaperone for me and Maria or something?
MAX: It’s New Year’s eve, and I’m looking for a party, ok? Hey, I know how to party.
MARIA: All right, this is what i gather. It’s a quarterback’s call, and their is a number 7. Dave Lambert is number 7.
MICHAEL: Who’s Dave Lambert?
MARIA: The star quarterback at Isabel’s college. Anyway, so Julia says-
MICHAEL: who’s Julia?
MARIA: That’s Julia. Dave Lambert’s fraternity is having a party, which is probably where the next clue to enigma is. So let’s go. Out the window, Guerin. Oh, Max, listen, this chaperone thing, I know that Liz put you up to it, but Michael and I, we’re clear that this is not a date.
MAX: I’m not a chaperone. I’m really looking for the party.
MARIA: Right. Ok.
[Kyle laughs as he and Isabel enter the garage] ISABEL: and whose car is this?
KYLE: My boss Toby’s. And these would be the keys.
ISABEL: What if we get caught?
KYLE: We won’t.
ISABEL: How many blue vipers are there in Roswell?
KYLE: One.
ISABEL: One. And, I’m sorry, how many people have access to this garage after hours, besides your boss?
KYLE: One.
ISABEL: Yeah, we’re gonna get caught. Maybe, but this thing’s a chick magnet, Isabel. I’ve seen it work. I’ll take the risk. Get in.
[Isabel uses her powers to turn the car yellow] KYLE: Whoa, man!
ISABEL: I’m not really in a risk-taking mood. I hope this doesn’t cramp your style.
KYLE: Yellow wasn’t my first choice, but that’s cool.
[Jim’s band is playing at the Crashdown ] JIM: thank you. Thank you very much.
Jane: They’re good.
LIZ: Yeah, they’re good.
Jane: But you wish you were someplace else?
Jane: No, I don’t.
Jane: Don’t shick a shicker.
[Laughs] LIZ: you… You’re funny.
Jane: Boy trouble?
LIZ: Um, well, sort of. My parents don’t really approve of my boyfriend.
Jane: I’m having the same problem.
LIZ: Really?
Jane: You see that crotchety old couple over there? My mom and dad. You’d think they’d leave Frank and me be by now, but no.
LIZ: Uh, well, which one is Frank?
Jane: Oh, he’s not here. New year’s means a lot to them, kind of a sentimental thing, you know. So frank goes out with his buddies at the V.F.W., And I give them this one night of the year.
LIZ: But don’t you mind being apart on New Year’s?
Jane: Oh, sure we do, but… Well, your parents won’t always be there, and besides… We have phone sex at midnight.
[Country music playing] JIM: looking for a heartache like you I’ve been looking for a heartache like you I know.
[Kyle and Isabel are working on the clues] KYLE: It’s an easy clue. An easy clue. See, the hut hut part meant the falafel hut across the street, and the 24 and the 7 run either side of the 2 zeros, so here we are at the site of the next clue. Nice car, huh?
GIRLS: Yeah. Yeah.
KYLE: Jerky?
GIRLS: No, thanks. No, thanks.
MAN: : Hey! I’m gonna ask you a question from the future.
KYLE: Yes.
MAN: Are those your teeth lying on the ground?
KYLE: Bye-bye.
ISABEL: You know, I think they liked you.
KYLE: Yeah, they way you like a monkey in a little hat. I was just entertainment till the real men showed up.
ISABEL: Is this a confidence issue? Because women can detect insecurity a mile away, Kyle.
KYLE: Do you detect it?
ISABEL: No. I’m married. My radar’s been dismantled. Look, women want an alpha male, you know? You gotta exude confidence.
KYLE: Confidence?
ISABEL: Yeah.
KYLE: All right.
ISABEL: It can’t be that hard, Kyle. I mean, you used to date girls.
KYLE: Look, it’s been a long time, all right? I used to be a fun guy. I used to have fun, but then the alien invasion happened, and I sorta– my social life started to suck.
ISABEL: Yeah.
KYLE: Did you find the next clue in there or what?
ISABEL: No. I think your whole falafel hut theory was a little off. Yeah. Come on, let’s go.
KYLE: Where we goin’?
ISABEL: To find you a new social life. Drop the jerky.
[Party music blaring] well, everybody, everybody and a place to be open up your mind and let your soul breathe free i can feel the whole shack shuttin’ in on me so let’s make this party shine everybody, everybody and a place to be open up your mind and let your soul breathe free…
MAN: Party! Whoo!
MAN2: Dude, it’s empty, bro.
MAN: What do you mean it’s empty, man? We just tapped it.
MAN2: It’s empty. Dude, it’s empty. This is the last one. It’s all gone.
MAN: Not–not so loud. Not so loud. W
Girl: Hey, aren’t you in my astronomy class?
MAX: No, not really. W
Girl: I swear, I’ve seen you before. W
Girl: Hmm, are you with anyone tonight? It is New Year’s.
MAX: Uh, yeah, my girlfriend’s meeting me later. W
Girl: That’s too bad. Hey, uh, we’re running out of beer. Could you be a dear and start a collection for a new keg?
MAX: Uh, why don’t I check and see if the keg is really empty first?
MAN3: Aw, come on! Come on! You’re out of beer?!
MAX: Uh, hey, maybe i can help.
MAN: What?! What are you, a townie?
MAX: Seriously, I, uh–I have a way with these things.
MAN: Be my guest, please.
MAX: sometimes it’s this, uh–this thing up here that just– you gotta make sure it’s– I don’t know. Give that a shot.
[Max uses his powers to fill the keg with beer] MAN: Oh! Oh, man! There was nothin’ in there. That was empty.
MAX: Apparently not.
[All cheering, whooping] all: Townie! Townie! Townie! Townie…
DAVE: Now get out of here.
MARIA: Dave! Hey.
DAVE: Hey. How are you?
DAVE: How are you?
MARIA: Good. Listen, I’m looking for a party.
DAVE: There’s a party right here, baby. Do you know of any clues for enigma?
MARIA: Hey. Oh!
MICHAEL: Where’s the keg? Ok, this is so not the right place.
[Several guys carry Max in on their shoulders] GUYS: : Townie! Townie! Townie! Townie! Townie! Townie! Townie! Yeah! Too much, brother. Good stuff, man, really-
MARIA: Max. Max, we’re in the wrong place. I’ve–I’ve talked to everyone. I’ve flirted with half a dozen of these bozos. No one’s ever heard of enigma. I even let Dave Lambert touch my ass.
MAX: Did Michael see that?
MARIA: The chaperone speaks. I don’t know. And it doesn’t matter, ’cause we’re not together.
MAX: Where is Michael?
[Michael is drinking heavily] MICHAEL: Hey.
MAX: Look at me.
MICHAEL: Sorry, I only have eyes for Maria. But she’s handing her butt out to total strangers. What’s that about?
MAX: Michael, what are you doing? I told you what happened the one and only time I got drunk. My powers went crazy.
MICHAEL: I’m fine. I got no… Power problems whatsoever.
MAX: All right. I want you to stand up. Come on, we’re going.
MICHAEL: Ow!
MAX: What’s the matter?
MICHAEL: That’s a killer grip, man. Oh, it’s loud in here now.
MAX: Yeah. Can you walk?
MICHAEL: It’s bright. It’s really bright.
MICHAEL: Right, Max, what’s on me? Max, what’s on my back?!
MAX: It’s your shirt.
MICHAEL: No, no, Max, I got some– Max, I’m on fire! I’m on fire! Max, I’m on fire! I’m on fire! I’m on fire!
MAX: Michael, Michael, let’s go.
MICHAEL: Max, I’m on fire! I’m on fire! I’m on fire! I’m on fire! Put it out! Put it out! I’m on fire!
[Michael rolls on the ground thinking he is on fire as Max and Maria look on] MARIA: he’s drunk?
MICHAEL: Uhh! Too loud.
MAX: Yeah.
MARIA: So, wait a minute. My New Year’s eve isn’t being ruined by some life-threatening, hot flash alien disease. It’s because Michael’s drunk?
MAX: I think the alcohol affected his senses. Some sort of sensory overload. Everything’s too bright, too loud.
MARIA: So, I guess the search for enigma’s over.
MAX: No, it’s still early. He could just-
MICHAEL: eww, what’s that stench? Is that you?
MARIA: I don’t have a stench.
MAX: It might be your perfume.
MICHAEL: Smells like road kill.
MARIA: It’s 50 bucks an ounce, man.
MICHAEL: It still stinks.
MARIA: You know, you’re an ass, man!
MICHAEL: Aah!
[Michael falls to the ground] MARIA: Oh, my god! Oh, my god!
MAX: Quick, get in the car. Come on.
[Back at the Crashdown, Liz is calling out bingo numbers] LIZ: All right, here we go, ladies and gentlemen. And the first ball out is spaceship 17. Mark that one if you’ve got it, spaceship 17. Spaceship 1-7.
JIM: She seems to be having a good time.
Mr. Parker: Yep. Go figure. An hour ago…
JIM: Yeah?
Mr. Parker: You’d have thought she’d been sentenced to work here tonight.
[Liz calls another number] Mr. Parker: Jim, can I ask you something?
JIM: Sure.
Mr. Parker: What do you think about Max Evans?
JIM: Honestly? I think a great deal of him. I think he’s a very special kid.
Mr. Parker: I used to think so, too. He always seemed like a responsible, straight ahead kid. But then, it’s-
JIM: listen, this is a tough age. I mean, take it from a father of a teenage boy. They up and do things that… Jeff, I–I can’t honestly sit here and give you the boys-will-be-boys routine. Max screwed up big time. He put your daughter in danger. There’s no excuse for that. And since you seem to be asking my opinion… I think Max is a good kid who made a big mistake, but I truly believe that he’s learned from it. And I think he really does love your daughter… And deserves a second chance.
JANE: Bingo! Bingo! Ha ha!
[Maria comes in and calls Liz to the kitchen] MARIA: Night from hell! Night from hell!
LIZ: What’s up?
MARIA: Michael’s up. Very up. Come here.
[As they enter Liz’s room, Michael is floating over the bed] LIZ: oh, my god!
MARIA: Shh. Shh. Shh. Look, his senses are super, super heightened, so, if the lights are too bright, or if he hears anything really loud, it really, really hurts.
MICHAEL: Like your whispering is doing right now.
[Isabel and Kyle enter the party] KYLE: This is a college. This is a college party at a frat house. Why am i here?
ISABEL: Because you need to set your sights a little higher than high school.
KYLE: But I am in high school.
ISABEL: Yes, but they don’t know that.
KYLE: That’s true.
ISABEL: Yeah. Ok, so pick one.
KYLE: Ooh, how ’bout her? How ’bout her?
ISABEL: Ok, that’s Sally Reynolds. She’s in my philosophy class. Not your type. She’s a nihilist. Would never get your sense of humor.
KYLE: How ’bout those 2 brunettes over there?
ISABEL: Ok, that one right there is Kim Langstrom. She’s actually really very nice, but she’s got a laugh like breaking glass. The other one, Bernadette Tahoe-
GIRL: hey-
ISABEL: yeah, she’s dumb as a fence post and only likes girls.
KYLE: Well, there’s gotta be someone.
ISABEL: Oh, oh! You see that girl right there talking to the jock, who knows that everything he’s telling her is total crap?
KYLE: Yeah, yeah.
ISABEL: That’s bitsy.
KYLE: Bitsy?
ISABEL: Yeah, I know, she’s got a stupid name. Trust me, Kyle, she’s the girl of your dreams.
[Girl laughs loudly] ISABEL: yeah, breaking glass. Ok, let’s go meet her. Just be cool. Bitsy, I want you to meet a friend of mine, Kyle.
BITSY: Hi, nice to meet you.
KYLE: Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you.
[Back at Liz’s house, Max is still trying to help Michael] MAX: how’s that?
MARIA: Is he gonna live?
MAX: I think he’s past the rough stuff. We should leave him be for a few minutes. Think anyone’ll notice if I duck into the bathroom? Go for it.
LIZ: My dad’s still calling bingo.
Mr. Parker: Ok, this is for the big money. Comin’ down, comin’ down, and it is…
MARIA: What a great New Year’s eve.
LIZ: I know. Did you have any luck finding enigma?
MARIA: No.
LIZ: Well, you still have plenty of time.
MARIA: But what’s the point? My evening’s set. I mean, I’m just gonna be stuck here baby-sitting a drunken alien.
LIZ: You know, he didn’t mean to ruin everything. I know.
[Michael can hear Marian and Liz talking] MARIA: And anyway, it’s my fault for inviting him, but it’s just, like, we keep doing this dance. It’s like we’re dating, we’re together, then we’re not together, but it’s like we’re still together. Nothing ever changes.
[Traffic loud in head] LIZ: maybe you don’t really want anything to change.
MARIA: Maybe. Or maybe neither one of us is strong enough or crazy enough to break the cycle.
Mr. Parker: Meteor 26. Meteor 26.
MARIA: Is my life really gonna be like this from now on? I mean, every– no matter what I do or say, I just somehow get roped back into an alien crisis? I can’t even get one night off to find a stupid party.
[Back at the college Party, Isabel and Kyle are talking to Bitsy] KYLE: And then the quarterback said, “throw me the chicken,” and I did.
ISABEL: Ha ha ha! He’s hilarious. I told you he’s hilarious. No, but really, Kyle, you’ve changed since then. Kyle’s a Buddhist now. It’s really inspirational.
KYLE: Wanna talk religion?
BITSY: Ok, but tell me you’re not just some guy with a fat Buddha statue who prays to get laid on Friday night.
KYLE: No, I do–I do have a statue. I do. And I do pray on Friday nights sometimes, yes.
BITSY: And you’re honest.
KYLE: I try.
BITSY: You succeed.
KYLE: Is that good?
BITSY: Very.
ISABEL: Ok, I’m gonna go get some drinks. You guys want anything?
BITSY: I’m ok.
KYLE: Me, too.
ISABEL: Ok, I’ll be back whenever.
KYLE: Hey, wait, wait, wait, wait. I just–I just wanted to say thanks for, you know.
ISABEL: My pleasure.
BITSY: Isabel’s nice.
KYLE: Yeah, yeah. She is, she is.
[Back at the Crashdown] MAX: I’m gonna head back to the school for a second.
LIZ: Why?
MAX: Something about that clue in the bar keeps bugging me.
MARIA: Max, would you drop the act already?
MAX: It’s not an act.
Mr. Parker: Liz, it’s almost 10:30.
LIZ: Uh–sorry, sorry, dad. I’ll be right there.
Mr. Parker: Hey, Max?
MAX: Yeah?
Mr. Parker: Where you goin’? What kind of boyfriend isn’t with his girl at midnight? Don’t you have any class? Tick-tock.
JIM: Here we go. 10, 9…
ALL: 8, 7, 6… 5, 4, 3… 2, 1… Happy New Year!
[All cheer] ALL: (singing) Should auld acquaintance be forgot and never brought to mind? Should old acquaintance be forgot and days of auld lang syne? For auld lang syne?
[Max is helping the people leave the diner] JANE: Come on, Max, let’s get a move on. I gotta make a phone call at midnight, and I ain’t gonna be late.
MAX: Yes, ma’am.
LIZ: Oh, Maria, come on. You don’t have to do that.
MARIA: What’s the point? I’m stuck here, anyway, so-
MICHAEL: hey, Maria?
MARIA: What are you doing up? You shouldn’t be up.
MICHAEL: Can I talk to you in the back for a minute?
Mr. Parker: Lizzy, that’s good enough. I can finish up.
LIZ: What are you talking about, dad? The place is a mess.
Mr. Parker: That’s ok. I can take care of it. Why don’t you, um… Why don’t you 2 go out and have a real New Year’s?
LIZ: Dad.
Mr. Parker: Well, I put a resolution on the cactus. It said, “give second chances.”
[Michael and Maria are talking] MICHAEL: I’m fine, all right? I want you to get back out there and find enigma.
MARIA: Where is this coming from?
MICHAEL: You’re being way too self-sacrificing. I want you to have a night off from all this alien crap. You know, we keep doing this dance, and-
MARIA: you heard me and– you heard me and Liz from all the way up there?
MICHAEL: Maria, you were right. Someone’s gotta break the cycle. We’re not together, that’s fine. We’re still friends, and friends can go their separate ways to have a good time on New Year’s eve. I want you to go out there and find enigma.
LIZ: Well, you see, the thing is, I– I also put a resolution on the cactus. It said, “remember that your parents won’t always be there.”
MAX: So, you want to stay.
LIZ: Well, yeah, ’cause Crashdown New Year’s– it’s like this, um– this family tradition. I think my dad deserves one night a year. I’m sorry. I know we promised that we’d be together at midnight.
MAX: We were… At Crashdown midnight.
LIZ: Yeah, I guess that counts.
MAX: Listen, I’ll, uh, I’ll stay, too. You know, just help you clean up.
LIZ: You–you–you really want to go to enigma, don’t you?
MAX: Well…
LIZ: My god, look at you.
MAX: Yeah, I just don’t want to go by myself.
MARIA: Heh heh heh. Who still wants to find a party?
LIZ: Oh, I think that might be this guy right here.
MARIA: Oh, Max, the chaperone thing, really, it’s getting old and it’s just completely unnecessary right now.
MAX: All right, that’s it. I’m going to that party. Wish me luck.
LIZ: Good luck.
MAX: Let’s go. Party train’s leaving.
MARIA: Is he serious?
LIZ: Very. Oh, wait, what happened with Michael?
MARIA: Uh, he, uh, gave me the night off.
LIZ: Ooh, good for you. Is he ok?
MARIA: Yeah, he’s fine.
[Horn honks] MARIA: I can’t believe I’m going to enigma! You don’t mind?
LIZ: No–rent my boyfriend for the evening? Go ahead.
MARIA: Ok. Bye. Thanks. Bye.
[Kyle and Isabel put the car back] ISABEL: You’re sure you’re not disappointed?
KYLE: Aw, what are you talking about? I got the girl’s phone number.
ISABEL: Yeah, but you wanted to get laid.
KYLE: Look, I got a college girl’s phone number. I’m way ahead of the game.
ISABEL: And you gotta know when to hold ’em and…
KYLE: Know when to fold ’em.
ISABEL: Know when to walk away…
KYLE: Know when to run
KYLE: hey, thanks. I–I had a really good time.
ISABEL: Yeah, me, too. But you know, the night is not over yet.
KYLE: It’s not?
ISABEL: No. It’s over an hour till midnight.
KYLE: Ok. Well, then, what do you want to do?
ISABEL: How much do you love me?
[Kyle imagines kissing Isabel] KYLE: Oh, oh, oh! Rudolph’s shiny New Year?
ISABEL: Please?
KYLE: Oh, the sacrifices I make for my friends.
ISABEL: Thank you. You’re the best.
KYLE: Don’t be a complete idiot.
[Max and Maria are back at the chalkboard looking at clues] MAX: So, all we know for sure is that 7 does not stand for Dave Lambert’s jersey number.
MARIA: Zero, 24, 7, zero.
MAX: What if it’s a math puzzle? I mean, if we assume that the zeros are place-holders for integers that–
[gasps] MARIA: oh! 24/7. It’s so simple, it’s painful!
[Maria and Max arrive at Bud’s 27/7] MAX: This feels like the right place.
MARIA: Hey, have you found any clues?
MAN: No, not yet. Hey, is that Max Evans?
MAX: Yeah. Uh, Daryl, right?
MAN: Yeah. So, what are you doin’, man?
MAX: What do you mean?
MAN: I mean, out…At night. On New Year’s eve?
MAX: I’m looking for a party.
MAN: Right.
MARIA: Max! Psst! I think I found one of the clues, but I don’t know what it means.
MAX: Where? It’s right behind me.
MAX: The flyer?
MARIA: It’s not a real flyer. So, one of these specials must be the clue. Blue moon quesedilla. There’s no such thing. But what does that mean?
MAX: Blue moon quesedilla. Blue moon…Blue… Blue Moon canyon.
[Gasps] MARIA: that’s it! Ok… Let’s walk back to the car nice and easy, like we haven’t found a thing.
[Back atht he Crashdown, Michael is on the floor as Liz walks in] LIZ: Michael. Michael! Michael, are you– are you ok?
MICHAEL: I fell off the couch. Keep your voice down.
LIZ: I thought you told Maria that you were ok.
MICHAEL: I lied.
LIZ: Easy!
MICHAEL: Ok. My whole body is like one big bruise.
Mr. Parker: What the hell?!
LIZ: Dad, can you help us?
Mr. Parker: What happened?
LIZ: He just drank too much.
Mr. Parker: Well, let’s get him upstairs.
LIZ: Yeah, just put him in my bed, and I’ll sleep down here.
MICHAEL: Oh, my head!
[Maria and Max are looking for the party] MARIA: You should have seen him standing there all brave and noble. It was enough to make you fall in love with him all over again.
MAX: Yeah, well, I have to live with him. That’s enough.
MARIA: Are you sure we’re on Juarez road?
MAX: Positive.
MARIA: Then where’s the turn-off to blue moon canyon?
MAX: Another 3 or 4 miles.
[Isabel and Kyle are falling asleep on the couch] KYLE: Isabel?
ISABEL: Hmm?
KYLE: It’s 5 seconds till midnight.
ISABEL: Mm. Happy New Year.
KYLE: Happy New Year, Isabel.
[The Parker’s are putting Michael to bed, as Maria and Max are walking towards the party] LIZ: Oh, oh. Wait, wait!
MAX: So, are you ready?
MARIA: I’ve been thinking about this my whole life. I am so ready.
[The next morning, Jesse comes home to find Kyle and Isabel on the couch. Liz and Michael are talking in the diner] MICHAEL: You won’t tell Maria?
LIZ: What, that you slept in my bed? No, as long as you promise not to tell Max.
MICHAEL: Deal.
[Kyle, Jesse and Isabel come into the diner] ISABEL: Hi.
LIZ: Hey, Jesse. Hey, how was Houston?
JESSE: Cold and uncomfortable. Spent the night in the airport.
LIZ: What? You’re kidding.
JESSE: Yeah, I wish I was. New year’s eve, all alone, and then I come home to find my wife asleep with another man.
LIZ: What?
KYLE: Morality has no place on New Year’s eve. I saw an opportunity, and I took it.
ISABEL: The lesson is, never leave me alone. Ever.
JESSE: Lesson learned.
KYLE: So, I assume nobody found that enigma thing, right?
MICHAEL: I wouldn’t be too sure of that.
MAX: and MARIA: (singing)I feel so alive for the very first time and I can’t deny you…
KYLE: You found it? I don’t believe it.
MARIA: Oh, yes, we found it, closed it, did it!
MICHAEL: That’s unbelievable.
LIZ: Tell us everything.
MARIA: Ok, well, first we– we go all the way back to the classroom for clues.
KYLE: It was at the falafel hut, right?
MAX: The what?
MICHAEL: Let her tell the story.
MARIA: Thank you, Michael. Anyway, as i was saying– hi.
MR. PARKER: The kitchen is open. Orders?
[The gang orders food as the scene fades out]
[Michael moans] MICHAEL: hey.
LIZ: Good morning. How you feeling?
MICHAEL: Better.
LIZ: Quite a night you had.
MICHAEL: Yeah, both of us. What about Maria?
LIZ: Who knows? I think that she and Max spent the night together.
[Seven and a half hours earlier- Loud rumble- Max and Maria see lights over the hill] MARIA: thank you so much for this, Max. Really, I should have never doubted you.
MAX: No problem. So you ready?
MARIA: I’ve been thinking about this my whole life. I am so ready.
MAX: Then let’s go. oh, i am what i am
[New Year’s Eve 6:32 PM- telephone rings] ISABEL: hello?
JESSE: Don’t be mad.
ISABEL: Where are you?
JESSE: Houston, and I just missed my connecting flight.
[Sighs] ISABEL: it’s ok.
JESSE: No, it’s not. I’m really sorry.
ISABEL: It’s fine.
JESSE: Look, do me a favor? Don’t just sit at home alone. Go out, have a good time, enjoy the night for both of us.
ISABEL: I don’t know.
JESSE: Please, Isabel, it’s bad enough I’m gonna be stuck in an airport, I don’t want you to have a crappy New Year’s, too. Please.
ISABEL: Ok.
[Liz is talking to Maria] LIZ: This isn’t fair.
MARIA: I’m really sorry, petunia, but in about 3 minutes I’m out of here.
LIZ: You’re never gonna find it.
MARIA: Oh, please. This year, I’m gonna find it. Trust me.
Mr. Parker: Find what? Enigma.
LIZ: You know about enigma?
Mr. Parker: I’ve only lived here all my life. That secret New Year’s eve party has been going on since before I was your age.
LIZ: Well, did you ever find it?
Mr. Parker: Once. Did you dish up the tapioca?
LIZ: 50 times. Dad…
Mr. Parker: Daughter.
LIZ: Come on, you don’t really need me to be doing this.
Mr. Parker: Liz, you and i have done this party together since you were, like, this high. It’s a family tradition.
LIZ: What, that I wait on a bunch of geriatrics for all eternity?
Mr. Parker: I’ll tell you what, when you’re finally a resident of the desert inn retirement community, then you don’t have to come here for New Year’s eve.
LIZ: Gee, thanks.
[Sighs] MARIA: petunia, work on him. I have a feeling he’ll weaken. Otherwise, I’ll tell you about enigma tomorrow morning. Bye.
[Michael comes into the backroom as Maria is clocking out- they bump into each other] MARIA: oh, sorry.
MICHAEL: Sorry.
[Laughs] MICHAEL: so enigma, huh?
MARIA: Yep. And no, I don’t think it’s lame or stupid or any of the other 50 insults you’re about to spew out.
MICHAEL: I wasn’t going to spew. Just talking.
MARIA: So what are you doing tonight?
MICHAEL: I don’t know. TV, play-station… Something.
MARIA: Alone?
MICHAEL: Yeah.
MARIA: What about Max? Why don’t you two go, I don’t know, look for a party or something?
MICHAEL: Oh, yeah, he’s the original party animal. I’d rather surf the tube. Have fun.
MARIA: Hey, wait. You wanna come find enigma with me?
MICHAEL: Wouldn’t that violate the whole “we’re not dating anymore” thing?
MARIA: It’s not a date. It’s a scavenger hunt looking for party clues, and 2 heads are better than one. No midnight kiss, no pawing in the back seat. We just find the party and then go our separate ways till dawn. Deal?
MICHAEL: Deal.
[Kyle is praying in front of his Buddha statue] [exhales] KYLE: thank you. Now that my immortal soul has been cleansed…
[Coughs] on to more terrestrial concerns. It’s been a dry couple years. Kyle needs a woman. Kyle needs her badly. Kyle needs her tonight.
[Knock on door] KYLE: oh, thank you! But if that’s a Jehovah’s witness, I’m coming back here.
[Knock knock knock] ISABEL: hi.
KYLE: Hey.
ISABEL: Kyle Valenti, it is your lucky night. Rudolph’s shiny New Year! No?
KYLE: No, I can’t. I’m going out.
ISABEL: On New Year’s eve?
KYLE: Yeah, imagine that.
KYLE: I’m going to that enigma thing.
ISABEL: Really? Do you know where it is?
KYLE: No, but I’m going to find out.
ISABEL: Hmm. Or you could save yourself the aggravation and buddy up here with Rudolph and his shiny New Year. Oh, and… I brought goobers.
KYLE: Tempting, but no.
ISABEL: Jesse missed his flight and is stuck in Houston. I had this whole romantic evening planned and I had to scrap it.
KYLE: Boo-hoo.
ISABEL: Kyle, it’s enigma.
KYLE: Yeah, it’s just sex, drugs, and whatever’s passing for rock and roll these days. Why would I want to go there?
ISABEL: Ok, fine. Well, do you mind if an old married lady tags along?
[Sighs] KYLE: ok, but I’m warning you, I’m a man on a mission: Sex or death. So don’t get in my way, and don’t cramp my style.
ISABEL: You have style?
KYLE: Hey!
ISABEL: Ok, hey. Let’s go. Where’s the first clue?
KYLE: At the high school. Mr. Seligman’s room. All right. Bring the goobers. I’m driving.
[Laughs] [Max and Liz are talking] LIZ: I’m sorry.
MAX: It’s all right. I had a feeling he wasn’t going to let you get off work.
LIZ: So what are you gonna do?
MAX: Go back to Michael’s and avoid New Year’s rockin’ eve.
LIZ: Why don’t you just go out with Maria and Michael? To enigma?
LIZ: Uh-huh.
MAX: I’m not really a party guy, Liz. I’m more of A… One-on-one guy.
LIZ: Well, I like one-on-one, but parties are very fun, too. No, seriously, when was the last time that you went out and had fun at a party with people you didn’t know?
MAX: I don’t know.
LIZ: Exactly. Come on, there’s no reason both of us should have a crummy New Year’s.
MAX: I’d feel like a third wheel.
LIZ: No, you would be a guy hanging out with his 2 best friends on New Years, and you’d be having a really good time. Right?
MAX: I need more convincing.
[Liz kisses Max] MAX: I almost believed it-
LIZ: good-bye. I have to go back downstairs.
MAX: All right. Ok. But on one condition: Midnight comes and we’re together.
LIZ: How are we gonna do that? I’m gonna be downstairs and you are gonna be out-
MAX: we find a way. Somehow, some way, we make it happen.
LIZ: Max.
MAX: Liz.
LIZ: Ok. We’ll find a way.
MAX: Ok. See you at midnight.
[Liz is greeting guests arriving for the Crashdown party] LIZ: make a resolution and stick it on the cactus. Thank you so much. Happy New Year.
Mr. Parker: Ok, watch your step. Oh, thank you.
LIZ: Don’t forget to make a resolution and stick it on the cactus. Here we go. Happy New Year. Happy New Year. There you go. Yep. Make your resolution one time a year. Happy New Year. Here you go.
Jane: Hi, Liz.
LIZ: Hi.
Jane: Jane Covendall. We met a couple of months ago, remember? The movie thing?
LIZ: Oh, yes, i do. Hi, how are you?
Jane: Out to pasture, but I’m doing just fine now. How are you?
LIZ: I’m ok.
Jane: Who’s the “guy Lombardo” over there?
LIZ: Ah, that’s Jim Valenti and his band, the kit shickers.
Jane: Did you just say-
LIZ: no, no, no. It’s the kit shickers. It sounds bad, but it isn’t.
Jane: Mm-hmm. Well, I sure hope those bastards can play.
[Mr Parker walks up to Liz] LIZ: Uh, hi. How about a compromise? I will stay for the party, but then once we’ve done the whole stupid “pretend it’s midnight at 10:30 thing” I’m outta here. Ok?
Mr. Parker: First of all, when you’re 80 and you wanna be in bed by 11:00, you might not think it’s so stupid. Second of all, I’m not gonna get stuck with doing all the clean-up myself.
LIZ: Ugh!
Mr. Parker: And third, I don’t want you and Max catting around the desert all night.
LIZ: Catting around?
Mr. Parker: Sweetie, your plans for this evening are set.
[Michael, Max and Maria are breaking into the school] MICHAEL: Watch it.
MAX: Don’t pull.
MAX: You know this is breaking and entering.
MARIA: Well, if we get caught, we’ll party in jail.
MICHAEL: The girl wants to party.
MARIA: This is the first clue. Hut, hut. That’s football, right? Maybe the party’s on the football field. I don’t know. That’s too easy.
MICHAEL: So why are you really here?
MAX: What are you talking about? I’m looking for enigma.
MICHAEL: Did Liz put you up to this? Are you a chaperone for me and Maria or something?
MAX: It’s New Year’s eve, and I’m looking for a party, ok? Hey, I know how to party.
MARIA: All right, this is what i gather. It’s a quarterback’s call, and their is a number 7. Dave Lambert is number 7.
MICHAEL: Who’s Dave Lambert?
MARIA: The star quarterback at Isabel’s college. Anyway, so Julia says-
MICHAEL: who’s Julia?
MARIA: That’s Julia. Dave Lambert’s fraternity is having a party, which is probably where the next clue to enigma is. So let’s go. Out the window, Guerin. Oh, Max, listen, this chaperone thing, I know that Liz put you up to it, but Michael and I, we’re clear that this is not a date.
MAX: I’m not a chaperone. I’m really looking for the party.
MARIA: Right. Ok.
[Kyle laughs as he and Isabel enter the garage] ISABEL: and whose car is this?
KYLE: My boss Toby’s. And these would be the keys.
ISABEL: What if we get caught?
KYLE: We won’t.
ISABEL: How many blue vipers are there in Roswell?
KYLE: One.
ISABEL: One. And, I’m sorry, how many people have access to this garage after hours, besides your boss?
KYLE: One.
ISABEL: Yeah, we’re gonna get caught. Maybe, but this thing’s a chick magnet, Isabel. I’ve seen it work. I’ll take the risk. Get in.
[Isabel uses her powers to turn the car yellow] KYLE: Whoa, man!
ISABEL: I’m not really in a risk-taking mood. I hope this doesn’t cramp your style.
KYLE: Yellow wasn’t my first choice, but that’s cool.
[Jim’s band is playing at the Crashdown ] JIM: thank you. Thank you very much.
Jane: They’re good.
LIZ: Yeah, they’re good.
Jane: But you wish you were someplace else?
Jane: No, I don’t.
Jane: Don’t shick a shicker.
[Laughs] LIZ: you… You’re funny.
Jane: Boy trouble?
LIZ: Um, well, sort of. My parents don’t really approve of my boyfriend.
Jane: I’m having the same problem.
LIZ: Really?
Jane: You see that crotchety old couple over there? My mom and dad. You’d think they’d leave Frank and me be by now, but no.
LIZ: Uh, well, which one is Frank?
Jane: Oh, he’s not here. New year’s means a lot to them, kind of a sentimental thing, you know. So frank goes out with his buddies at the V.F.W., And I give them this one night of the year.
LIZ: But don’t you mind being apart on New Year’s?
Jane: Oh, sure we do, but… Well, your parents won’t always be there, and besides… We have phone sex at midnight.
[Country music playing] JIM: looking for a heartache like you I’ve been looking for a heartache like you I know.
[Kyle and Isabel are working on the clues] KYLE: It’s an easy clue. An easy clue. See, the hut hut part meant the falafel hut across the street, and the 24 and the 7 run either side of the 2 zeros, so here we are at the site of the next clue. Nice car, huh?
GIRLS: Yeah. Yeah.
KYLE: Jerky?
GIRLS: No, thanks. No, thanks.
MAN: : Hey! I’m gonna ask you a question from the future.
KYLE: Yes.
MAN: Are those your teeth lying on the ground?
KYLE: Bye-bye.
ISABEL: You know, I think they liked you.
KYLE: Yeah, they way you like a monkey in a little hat. I was just entertainment till the real men showed up.
ISABEL: Is this a confidence issue? Because women can detect insecurity a mile away, Kyle.
KYLE: Do you detect it?
ISABEL: No. I’m married. My radar’s been dismantled. Look, women want an alpha male, you know? You gotta exude confidence.
KYLE: Confidence?
ISABEL: Yeah.
KYLE: All right.
ISABEL: It can’t be that hard, Kyle. I mean, you used to date girls.
KYLE: Look, it’s been a long time, all right? I used to be a fun guy. I used to have fun, but then the alien invasion happened, and I sorta– my social life started to suck.
ISABEL: Yeah.
KYLE: Did you find the next clue in there or what?
ISABEL: No. I think your whole falafel hut theory was a little off. Yeah. Come on, let’s go.
KYLE: Where we goin’?
ISABEL: To find you a new social life. Drop the jerky.
[Party music blaring] well, everybody, everybody and a place to be open up your mind and let your soul breathe free i can feel the whole shack shuttin’ in on me so let’s make this party shine everybody, everybody and a place to be open up your mind and let your soul breathe free…
MAN: Party! Whoo!
MAN2: Dude, it’s empty, bro.
MAN: What do you mean it’s empty, man? We just tapped it.
MAN2: It’s empty. Dude, it’s empty. This is the last one. It’s all gone.
MAN: Not–not so loud. Not so loud. W
Girl: Hey, aren’t you in my astronomy class?
MAX: No, not really. W
Girl: I swear, I’ve seen you before. W
Girl: Hmm, are you with anyone tonight? It is New Year’s.
MAX: Uh, yeah, my girlfriend’s meeting me later. W
Girl: That’s too bad. Hey, uh, we’re running out of beer. Could you be a dear and start a collection for a new keg?
MAX: Uh, why don’t I check and see if the keg is really empty first?
MAN3: Aw, come on! Come on! You’re out of beer?!
MAX: Uh, hey, maybe i can help.
MAN: What?! What are you, a townie?
MAX: Seriously, I, uh–I have a way with these things.
MAN: Be my guest, please.
MAX: sometimes it’s this, uh–this thing up here that just– you gotta make sure it’s– I don’t know. Give that a shot.
[Max uses his powers to fill the keg with beer] MAN: Oh! Oh, man! There was nothin’ in there. That was empty.
MAX: Apparently not.
[All cheering, whooping] all: Townie! Townie! Townie! Townie…
DAVE: Now get out of here.
MARIA: Dave! Hey.
DAVE: Hey. How are you?
DAVE: How are you?
MARIA: Good. Listen, I’m looking for a party.
DAVE: There’s a party right here, baby. Do you know of any clues for enigma?
MARIA: Hey. Oh!
MICHAEL: Where’s the keg? Ok, this is so not the right place.
[Several guys carry Max in on their shoulders] GUYS: : Townie! Townie! Townie! Townie! Townie! Townie! Townie! Yeah! Too much, brother. Good stuff, man, really-
MARIA: Max. Max, we’re in the wrong place. I’ve–I’ve talked to everyone. I’ve flirted with half a dozen of these bozos. No one’s ever heard of enigma. I even let Dave Lambert touch my ass.
MAX: Did Michael see that?
MARIA: The chaperone speaks. I don’t know. And it doesn’t matter, ’cause we’re not together.
MAX: Where is Michael?
[Michael is drinking heavily] MICHAEL: Hey.
MAX: Look at me.
MICHAEL: Sorry, I only have eyes for Maria. But she’s handing her butt out to total strangers. What’s that about?
MAX: Michael, what are you doing? I told you what happened the one and only time I got drunk. My powers went crazy.
MICHAEL: I’m fine. I got no… Power problems whatsoever.
MAX: All right. I want you to stand up. Come on, we’re going.
MICHAEL: Ow!
MAX: What’s the matter?
MICHAEL: That’s a killer grip, man. Oh, it’s loud in here now.
MAX: Yeah. Can you walk?
MICHAEL: It’s bright. It’s really bright.
MICHAEL: Right, Max, what’s on me? Max, what’s on my back?!
MAX: It’s your shirt.
MICHAEL: No, no, Max, I got some– Max, I’m on fire! I’m on fire! Max, I’m on fire! I’m on fire! I’m on fire!
MAX: Michael, Michael, let’s go.
MICHAEL: Max, I’m on fire! I’m on fire! I’m on fire! I’m on fire! Put it out! Put it out! I’m on fire!
[Michael rolls on the ground thinking he is on fire as Max and Maria look on] MARIA: he’s drunk?
MICHAEL: Uhh! Too loud.
MAX: Yeah.
MARIA: So, wait a minute. My New Year’s eve isn’t being ruined by some life-threatening, hot flash alien disease. It’s because Michael’s drunk?
MAX: I think the alcohol affected his senses. Some sort of sensory overload. Everything’s too bright, too loud.
MARIA: So, I guess the search for enigma’s over.
MAX: No, it’s still early. He could just-
MICHAEL: eww, what’s that stench? Is that you?
MARIA: I don’t have a stench.
MAX: It might be your perfume.
MICHAEL: Smells like road kill.
MARIA: It’s 50 bucks an ounce, man.
MICHAEL: It still stinks.
MARIA: You know, you’re an ass, man!
MICHAEL: Aah!
[Michael falls to the ground] MARIA: Oh, my god! Oh, my god!
MAX: Quick, get in the car. Come on.
[Back at the Crashdown, Liz is calling out bingo numbers] LIZ: All right, here we go, ladies and gentlemen. And the first ball out is spaceship 17. Mark that one if you’ve got it, spaceship 17. Spaceship 1-7.
JIM: She seems to be having a good time.
Mr. Parker: Yep. Go figure. An hour ago…
JIM: Yeah?
Mr. Parker: You’d have thought she’d been sentenced to work here tonight.
[Liz calls another number] Mr. Parker: Jim, can I ask you something?
JIM: Sure.
Mr. Parker: What do you think about Max Evans?
JIM: Honestly? I think a great deal of him. I think he’s a very special kid.
Mr. Parker: I used to think so, too. He always seemed like a responsible, straight ahead kid. But then, it’s-
JIM: listen, this is a tough age. I mean, take it from a father of a teenage boy. They up and do things that… Jeff, I–I can’t honestly sit here and give you the boys-will-be-boys routine. Max screwed up big time. He put your daughter in danger. There’s no excuse for that. And since you seem to be asking my opinion… I think Max is a good kid who made a big mistake, but I truly believe that he’s learned from it. And I think he really does love your daughter… And deserves a second chance.
JANE: Bingo! Bingo! Ha ha!
[Maria comes in and calls Liz to the kitchen] MARIA: Night from hell! Night from hell!
LIZ: What’s up?
MARIA: Michael’s up. Very up. Come here.
[As they enter Liz’s room, Michael is floating over the bed] LIZ: oh, my god!
MARIA: Shh. Shh. Shh. Look, his senses are super, super heightened, so, if the lights are too bright, or if he hears anything really loud, it really, really hurts.
MICHAEL: Like your whispering is doing right now.
[Isabel and Kyle enter the party] KYLE: This is a college. This is a college party at a frat house. Why am i here?
ISABEL: Because you need to set your sights a little higher than high school.
KYLE: But I am in high school.
ISABEL: Yes, but they don’t know that.
KYLE: That’s true.
ISABEL: Yeah. Ok, so pick one.
KYLE: Ooh, how ’bout her? How ’bout her?
ISABEL: Ok, that’s Sally Reynolds. She’s in my philosophy class. Not your type. She’s a nihilist. Would never get your sense of humor.
KYLE: How ’bout those 2 brunettes over there?
ISABEL: Ok, that one right there is Kim Langstrom. She’s actually really very nice, but she’s got a laugh like breaking glass. The other one, Bernadette Tahoe-
GIRL: hey-
ISABEL: yeah, she’s dumb as a fence post and only likes girls.
KYLE: Well, there’s gotta be someone.
ISABEL: Oh, oh! You see that girl right there talking to the jock, who knows that everything he’s telling her is total crap?
KYLE: Yeah, yeah.
ISABEL: That’s bitsy.
KYLE: Bitsy?
ISABEL: Yeah, I know, she’s got a stupid name. Trust me, Kyle, she’s the girl of your dreams.
[Girl laughs loudly] ISABEL: yeah, breaking glass. Ok, let’s go meet her. Just be cool. Bitsy, I want you to meet a friend of mine, Kyle.
BITSY: Hi, nice to meet you.
KYLE: Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you.
[Back at Liz’s house, Max is still trying to help Michael] MAX: how’s that?
MARIA: Is he gonna live?
MAX: I think he’s past the rough stuff. We should leave him be for a few minutes. Think anyone’ll notice if I duck into the bathroom? Go for it.
LIZ: My dad’s still calling bingo.
Mr. Parker: Ok, this is for the big money. Comin’ down, comin’ down, and it is…
MARIA: What a great New Year’s eve.
LIZ: I know. Did you have any luck finding enigma?
MARIA: No.
LIZ: Well, you still have plenty of time.
MARIA: But what’s the point? My evening’s set. I mean, I’m just gonna be stuck here baby-sitting a drunken alien.
LIZ: You know, he didn’t mean to ruin everything. I know.
[Michael can hear Marian and Liz talking] MARIA: And anyway, it’s my fault for inviting him, but it’s just, like, we keep doing this dance. It’s like we’re dating, we’re together, then we’re not together, but it’s like we’re still together. Nothing ever changes.
[Traffic loud in head] LIZ: maybe you don’t really want anything to change.
MARIA: Maybe. Or maybe neither one of us is strong enough or crazy enough to break the cycle.
Mr. Parker: Meteor 26. Meteor 26.
MARIA: Is my life really gonna be like this from now on? I mean, every– no matter what I do or say, I just somehow get roped back into an alien crisis? I can’t even get one night off to find a stupid party.
[Back at the college Party, Isabel and Kyle are talking to Bitsy] KYLE: And then the quarterback said, “throw me the chicken,” and I did.
ISABEL: Ha ha ha! He’s hilarious. I told you he’s hilarious. No, but really, Kyle, you’ve changed since then. Kyle’s a Buddhist now. It’s really inspirational.
KYLE: Wanna talk religion?
BITSY: Ok, but tell me you’re not just some guy with a fat Buddha statue who prays to get laid on Friday night.
KYLE: No, I do–I do have a statue. I do. And I do pray on Friday nights sometimes, yes.
BITSY: And you’re honest.
KYLE: I try.
BITSY: You succeed.
KYLE: Is that good?
BITSY: Very.
ISABEL: Ok, I’m gonna go get some drinks. You guys want anything?
BITSY: I’m ok.
KYLE: Me, too.
ISABEL: Ok, I’ll be back whenever.
KYLE: Hey, wait, wait, wait, wait. I just–I just wanted to say thanks for, you know.
ISABEL: My pleasure.
BITSY: Isabel’s nice.
KYLE: Yeah, yeah. She is, she is.
[Back at the Crashdown] MAX: I’m gonna head back to the school for a second.
LIZ: Why?
MAX: Something about that clue in the bar keeps bugging me.
MARIA: Max, would you drop the act already?
MAX: It’s not an act.
Mr. Parker: Liz, it’s almost 10:30.
LIZ: Uh–sorry, sorry, dad. I’ll be right there.
Mr. Parker: Hey, Max?
MAX: Yeah?
Mr. Parker: Where you goin’? What kind of boyfriend isn’t with his girl at midnight? Don’t you have any class? Tick-tock.
JIM: Here we go. 10, 9…
ALL: 8, 7, 6… 5, 4, 3… 2, 1… Happy New Year!
[All cheer] ALL: (singing) Should auld acquaintance be forgot and never brought to mind? Should old acquaintance be forgot and days of auld lang syne? For auld lang syne?
[Max is helping the people leave the diner] JANE: Come on, Max, let’s get a move on. I gotta make a phone call at midnight, and I ain’t gonna be late.
MAX: Yes, ma’am.
LIZ: Oh, Maria, come on. You don’t have to do that.
MARIA: What’s the point? I’m stuck here, anyway, so-
MICHAEL: hey, Maria?
MARIA: What are you doing up? You shouldn’t be up.
MICHAEL: Can I talk to you in the back for a minute?
Mr. Parker: Lizzy, that’s good enough. I can finish up.
LIZ: What are you talking about, dad? The place is a mess.
Mr. Parker: That’s ok. I can take care of it. Why don’t you, um… Why don’t you 2 go out and have a real New Year’s?
LIZ: Dad.
Mr. Parker: Well, I put a resolution on the cactus. It said, “give second chances.”
[Michael and Maria are talking] MICHAEL: I’m fine, all right? I want you to get back out there and find enigma.
MARIA: Where is this coming from?
MICHAEL: You’re being way too self-sacrificing. I want you to have a night off from all this alien crap. You know, we keep doing this dance, and-
MARIA: you heard me and– you heard me and Liz from all the way up there?
MICHAEL: Maria, you were right. Someone’s gotta break the cycle. We’re not together, that’s fine. We’re still friends, and friends can go their separate ways to have a good time on New Year’s eve. I want you to go out there and find enigma.
LIZ: Well, you see, the thing is, I– I also put a resolution on the cactus. It said, “remember that your parents won’t always be there.”
MAX: So, you want to stay.
LIZ: Well, yeah, ’cause Crashdown New Year’s– it’s like this, um– this family tradition. I think my dad deserves one night a year. I’m sorry. I know we promised that we’d be together at midnight.
MAX: We were… At Crashdown midnight.
LIZ: Yeah, I guess that counts.
MAX: Listen, I’ll, uh, I’ll stay, too. You know, just help you clean up.
LIZ: You–you–you really want to go to enigma, don’t you?
MAX: Well…
LIZ: My god, look at you.
MAX: Yeah, I just don’t want to go by myself.
MARIA: Heh heh heh. Who still wants to find a party?
LIZ: Oh, I think that might be this guy right here.
MARIA: Oh, Max, the chaperone thing, really, it’s getting old and it’s just completely unnecessary right now.
MAX: All right, that’s it. I’m going to that party. Wish me luck.
LIZ: Good luck.
MAX: Let’s go. Party train’s leaving.
MARIA: Is he serious?
LIZ: Very. Oh, wait, what happened with Michael?
MARIA: Uh, he, uh, gave me the night off.
LIZ: Ooh, good for you. Is he ok?
MARIA: Yeah, he’s fine.
[Horn honks] MARIA: I can’t believe I’m going to enigma! You don’t mind?
LIZ: No–rent my boyfriend for the evening? Go ahead.
MARIA: Ok. Bye. Thanks. Bye.
[Kyle and Isabel put the car back] ISABEL: You’re sure you’re not disappointed?
KYLE: Aw, what are you talking about? I got the girl’s phone number.
ISABEL: Yeah, but you wanted to get laid.
KYLE: Look, I got a college girl’s phone number. I’m way ahead of the game.
ISABEL: And you gotta know when to hold ’em and…
KYLE: Know when to fold ’em.
ISABEL: Know when to walk away…
KYLE: Know when to run
KYLE: hey, thanks. I–I had a really good time.
ISABEL: Yeah, me, too. But you know, the night is not over yet.
KYLE: It’s not?
ISABEL: No. It’s over an hour till midnight.
KYLE: Ok. Well, then, what do you want to do?
ISABEL: How much do you love me?
[Kyle imagines kissing Isabel] KYLE: Oh, oh, oh! Rudolph’s shiny New Year?
ISABEL: Please?
KYLE: Oh, the sacrifices I make for my friends.
ISABEL: Thank you. You’re the best.
KYLE: Don’t be a complete idiot.
[Max and Maria are back at the chalkboard looking at clues] MAX: So, all we know for sure is that 7 does not stand for Dave Lambert’s jersey number.
MARIA: Zero, 24, 7, zero.
MAX: What if it’s a math puzzle? I mean, if we assume that the zeros are place-holders for integers that–
[gasps] MARIA: oh! 24/7. It’s so simple, it’s painful!
[Maria and Max arrive at Bud’s 27/7] MAX: This feels like the right place.
MARIA: Hey, have you found any clues?
MAN: No, not yet. Hey, is that Max Evans?
MAX: Yeah. Uh, Daryl, right?
MAN: Yeah. So, what are you doin’, man?
MAX: What do you mean?
MAN: I mean, out…At night. On New Year’s eve?
MAX: I’m looking for a party.
MAN: Right.
MARIA: Max! Psst! I think I found one of the clues, but I don’t know what it means.
MAX: Where? It’s right behind me.
MAX: The flyer?
MARIA: It’s not a real flyer. So, one of these specials must be the clue. Blue moon quesedilla. There’s no such thing. But what does that mean?
MAX: Blue moon quesedilla. Blue moon…Blue… Blue Moon canyon.
[Gasps] MARIA: that’s it! Ok… Let’s walk back to the car nice and easy, like we haven’t found a thing.
[Back atht he Crashdown, Michael is on the floor as Liz walks in] LIZ: Michael. Michael! Michael, are you– are you ok?
MICHAEL: I fell off the couch. Keep your voice down.
LIZ: I thought you told Maria that you were ok.
MICHAEL: I lied.
LIZ: Easy!
MICHAEL: Ok. My whole body is like one big bruise.
Mr. Parker: What the hell?!
LIZ: Dad, can you help us?
Mr. Parker: What happened?
LIZ: He just drank too much.
Mr. Parker: Well, let’s get him upstairs.
LIZ: Yeah, just put him in my bed, and I’ll sleep down here.
MICHAEL: Oh, my head!
[Maria and Max are looking for the party] MARIA: You should have seen him standing there all brave and noble. It was enough to make you fall in love with him all over again.
MAX: Yeah, well, I have to live with him. That’s enough.
MARIA: Are you sure we’re on Juarez road?
MAX: Positive.
MARIA: Then where’s the turn-off to blue moon canyon?
MAX: Another 3 or 4 miles.
[Isabel and Kyle are falling asleep on the couch] KYLE: Isabel?
ISABEL: Hmm?
KYLE: It’s 5 seconds till midnight.
ISABEL: Mm. Happy New Year.
KYLE: Happy New Year, Isabel.
[The Parker’s are putting Michael to bed, as Maria and Max are walking towards the party] LIZ: Oh, oh. Wait, wait!
MAX: So, are you ready?
MARIA: I’ve been thinking about this my whole life. I am so ready.
[The next morning, Jesse comes home to find Kyle and Isabel on the couch. Liz and Michael are talking in the diner] MICHAEL: You won’t tell Maria?
LIZ: What, that you slept in my bed? No, as long as you promise not to tell Max.
MICHAEL: Deal.
[Kyle, Jesse and Isabel come into the diner] ISABEL: Hi.
LIZ: Hey, Jesse. Hey, how was Houston?
JESSE: Cold and uncomfortable. Spent the night in the airport.
LIZ: What? You’re kidding.
JESSE: Yeah, I wish I was. New year’s eve, all alone, and then I come home to find my wife asleep with another man.
LIZ: What?
KYLE: Morality has no place on New Year’s eve. I saw an opportunity, and I took it.
ISABEL: The lesson is, never leave me alone. Ever.
JESSE: Lesson learned.
KYLE: So, I assume nobody found that enigma thing, right?
MICHAEL: I wouldn’t be too sure of that.
MAX: and MARIA: (singing)I feel so alive for the very first time and I can’t deny you…
KYLE: You found it? I don’t believe it.
MARIA: Oh, yes, we found it, closed it, did it!
MICHAEL: That’s unbelievable.
LIZ: Tell us everything.
MARIA: Ok, well, first we– we go all the way back to the classroom for clues.
KYLE: It was at the falafel hut, right?
MAX: The what?
MICHAEL: Let her tell the story.
MARIA: Thank you, Michael. Anyway, as i was saying– hi.
MR. PARKER: The kitchen is open. Orders?
[The gang orders food as the scene fades out]