Thanks to Mandy for sending this in!
January 7th, 2000
Guests on this program were:
Bill’s Opening[ Cheers and applause ]
Bill: Good evening, I’m Bill Maher.
And I don’t know if you heard, but we, human beings, Homo Sapiens, are now in the 21st century.
Thank you very much.
Thank you, yes.[ Laughter ]
Yes, we made it.
A lot of people said we wouldn’t.
A lot of people thought you-know-who was gonna come down and kick some ass.
But no, we’re here, we’re queer, we are now in the third millennium.[ Laughter ]
We are third millennium dwellers, and I don’t know about you, but I feel it.
I feel very in touch with the time I’m living in, but some people — and, I mean, this is no putdown — but a lot of people here tonight are dressed very 20th century.[ Laughter ]
That’s not a putdown.[ Laughter ]
It was a fine century for its time.
For its day.[ Laughter ]
People, come on, get with the time.
You know, I was just reading this historical artifact from the 20th.
It’s called “last week’s ‘Newsweek.'”
And the way people acted back in the 20th century — well, let me put it this way, you wouldn’t want to do everything they did, okay?[ Laughter ]
I mean, listen to some of the things that they were doing back in the 20th.[ Laughter ]
It was legal, it was legal to charge for cable.
Wait a second.[ Applause ]
But illegal to charge for sex.[ Laughter ] [ Applause ]
What the hell?
Babies were allowed on aeroplanes?[ Laughter ]
Hello.[ Laughter and applause ]
Look at this.
Everyone dressed exactly alike.
Some because they were in prison, some because they were in the Army and everybody else because they shopped at a place called “The Gap.”
People believed crazy superstitions back in the 20th, like the evil bug that lived in their computers.[ Laughter ]
And it only came out at New Year’s to wipe out their checking accounts.[ Laughter ]
Yeah, right.[ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ]
Listen to this.
They had a music video channel, but it never, ever showed any videos.
They took dieting advice from Monica Lewinsky, morality advice from Newt Gingrich and reading advice from Oprah.[ Laughter ]
If you played professional football, you were allowed to kill your wives and girlfriends.[ Audience “oohs” ] [ Applause ]
People thought their cats knew the difference between beef flavor and veal flavor.[ Laughter ]
If you were President, you could fall asleep during a cabinet meeting, but you couldn’t sleep with your intern.[ Laughter ] [ Applause ]
I mean, the stuff that was — there was a great gap in wealth, and if the poor wanted to become rich, they had to answer questions from a man named “Regis.”[ Laughter ]
And finally, there were warning labels on cigarettes but none on Puff Daddy.
Bill: All right, let’s meet our panel.[ Cheers and applause ]
She is a conservative activist attorney and former counsel for the Elizabeth Dole campaign.
There you are.[ Cheers and applause ]
How are you?
Thank you very much.
She is one of the charming stars of “Roswell,” Wednesday nights at 9:00 on another channel.
Majandra: How are you?
Bill: Pleasure to meet you.[ Cheers and applause ]
Thank you very much.
One of the fine stars of “Veronica’s Closet.”
His new film is “Galaxy Quest” in theaters now.
Mr. Daryl “Chill” Mitchell!
Hey.[ Laughter ] [ Applause ]
Get out of here.
Yeah, you have the — exactly.
Bill: I look good.[ Cheers and applause ]
He’s an international icon who transcends the millennium.
But he’ll always be — shut up — “The Caped Crusader” to me, Mr. Adam West right over here.
How are you, sir?
Adam: I’m not afraid.[ Applause ]
I’m not afraid.
Bill: Hey, you know what?[ Laughter ]
Adam: Gotta prove I’m not a superhero.
Bill: You can make fun of me.[ Laughter ]
I look good.
If you’re just tuning in, Keenan Ivory Wayans is back on the air.[ Laughter ]
No, he used to wear these things for real.
I mean, it wasn’t a sketch.
Daryl: Don’t pass it off on nobody else, man.[ Laughter ]
You look like a Detroit pimp.
Bill: Gosh, Daryl, how would you know?[ Laughter ]
Daryl: Didn’t I see you —
Bill: I went to the ball.
Daryl: Oh, all right, I thought so.
Bill: All right.
Despite my costume here, I want to get serious about this, because I saw this in the paper a couple weeks ago.
I think this is absolutely awful, but I’m sure some of our panelists think it’s good.
And what it is is abstinence in schools now is becoming the preferred means of teaching sex education.
Listen to this.
Sex education in the nation’s schools is increasingly focused on abstinence, more than one in three districts using abstinence-only curriculum, fewer than half offering information on birth control.
In other words, remember “Just say no” with drugs?
Remember how well that worked?
Daryl: Right.[ Laughter ]
Bill: Now, they’re trying it with sex to these hormone-frenzied horn-dog teenagers.[ Laughter ]
Tasia: In my opinion, the only absolutely awful thing about that statistic is, I think that kind of teaching should be in all the schools, rather than just a third of them, because when you really look at the statistics about teen pregnancy in this country, there’s absolutely nothing good that comes of teens being sexually active.
Bill: It’s at a 40-year low.
Daryl: My thing is, I got a daughter.[ Laughter ]
You know what I’m gonna teach my daughter?
“If you see a black light and some slow music, run.”
“Just run.[ Laughter ]
You see a drink, dark room and music, condoms, all that, don’t even — get outta there!
Get outta there!”
Adam: Daryl, I got four daughters, and I totally agree.[ Laughter ]
However, I think, if we keep it that narrow and teach only abstinence, it’s not too good, because I don’t think we should teaching booty looting.
Daryl: Yo, you need to be responsible — you need to be responsible —
Bill: Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Daryl: Booty what?!
Bill: Yeah, I got to hear this.
Daryl: Hold up, hold up.[ Applause ]
Bill: I’m from the 21st century, Adam.[ Laughter ]
Adam: Yes, “booty looting.”
Daryl: “Booty looting.”
Bill: “Booty looting.”
Or “looting the booty.”
Adam: Or “butt pirating.”[ Laughter ]
I feel —
Daryl: You scare me.
Where are we going with this, Batman?!
Adam: I just feel that the programs should teach responsible parenting, as well as —
Bill: That’s not what you were saying.
What were you going to say?
Majandra: Well, I was going to say, of course, they should, first and foremost, teach abstinence, and then, say, “if you’re going to go ahead with this, this is what you should do, how to do it safely.”[ Talking at once ]
Majandra: Make them think.
Just like you tell these kids, “don’t do drugs,” but they always end up trying something, but you know, you initially go with “don’t ever do it,” whatever.
Some kids do buy into it.
So for those, you say abstinence.
Bill: But drugs and sex is not the same thing.
Daryl: Abstinence is not normal.
Majandra: They don’t pay attention to anything.
I just got out of high school last year, and they don’t listen to anything.
And unfortunately, it’s like the ’60s and ’70s totally preached to our culture that it was good to have free sex and indiscriminate sex.
So that’s still bleeding into our culture now.
And there’s really nothing you can do.
Tasia: The problem is, though, I think the ’60s and ’70s — you’re totally right, they did preach this kind of free sex, free love.
And now, we’re stuck with a whole host of problems.
Daryl: That was the free thing with all the movement of love, and we’re getting over Vietnam, and they just incorporate it, they want a reason to do something.
Tasia: I think there’s a tendency though, to sit here, then, and think, “Well, they’re gonna do it anyway, why bother preaching abstinence?”
Majandra: Oh no, that’s not necessarily true.
I think they should, because I —
Adam: Talk about it, but talk about other elements, as well.
Have a balanced program in schools.
Daryl: Right.[ Laughter ]
“The black light, the slow music and liquor, get out the room, girl!”
“Get out the room, ’cause something gonna happen!”
Tasia: I think Daryl’s totally right.
You want to keep yourself out of these situations, because I don’t think —
Daryl: That’s just as involuntary as your heartbeat.
People don’t understand that.
In certain climates, just go to restaurants, go to movies, go to discos, don’t go to no confined areas, because something is liable to happen.
Majandra: What I can tell you though is there are some kids, many kids, who actually take the abstinence route.
I swear to you.
They actually do buy into this.
So that’s why it’s necessary, because for those, if you’re gonna save a few people.
Bill: Right, they’re called the “AV squad.”[ Laughter ]
I have to take a break.
We’ll be right back.
Bill: All right, let me switch topics for a minute, because I think it’s interesting that the folks who want to teach abstinence, in other words, who think that sex is too dangerous to even brooch the topic are usually the same people who would like to teach kids about firearms.
Apparently, that’s a topic that it’s good to learn about and to know how to use.
I think it’s interesting that this year, we saw, now first, over Christmas, you saw that incident with Puff Daddy.
There was a little gunplay that broke out in a nightclub.
Same thing’s happened to me many times.
Adam: Of course, of course.
Look at you.
Bill: I stuffed my gangsta bitch into a Lincoln Navigator —[ Laughter ]
— And hauled ass and, you know, ran red lights.[ Laughter ]
And then, George Harrison got stabbed.
Now, a Beatle in this country was attacked, but with a gun, in England, he survived, because they don’t have guns over there.
Doesn’t that say something about the Beatles?
Majandra: What’s going to happen to Ringo?
Daryl: But look, man, this is my whole take on the gun situation.
You got the guy in Atlanta who was a stockbroker who went and shot up all those people.
Then, you had this guy who came out here in Seattle on the dock who shot these people.
Then you had this other man who came by and drove and shot up this supremacist who shot up the school.
Bill: Right up here, right.
Daryl: Right up here.
And we won’t even talk about Colorado and the other kids.
It just seems to me that it becomes a problem when it leaves “the hood.”
See, it’s been happening in “the hood” a long time.
Bill: When you say “the hood,” you mean the black neighborhoods.
I’m not from your century.
Daryl: Now, all of a sudden, we need gun control.
Majandra: This is the thing, though, this is what you have to understand.
Daryl: That’s how I feel.
Majandra: It’s all about what’s fashionable.
In the ’80s, when John Lennon was shot, that was kind of random.
Now, it’s happening a lot more.
And it’s really, honestly, it’s cool.
Daryl: A lot more where?
Majandra: It’s cool to be a thug.
It’s cool to have a gun.
Puff Daddy, Lopez, everybody’s going to think Lopez is so cool now.
You know, that’s just how it is now.
It’s like the culture.
Tasia: I think she’s totally right.
The guns have been around from the 1900s.
Majandra: White kids and the gang signs.
Daryl: The ones that’re bangin’ in Little Rock, Arkansas?
Daryl: Now, it’s an issue.
It’s an issue, but it’s been a problem, it’s been plaguing the community that I grew up in for a long time.
But it never was an issue then.
We were just “born killers.”
Bill: White singers — I never hear of Pat Boone killing anybody.[ Laughter ]
Daryl: Well, Pat Boone’s stocks ain’t dropped yet, wait till his stocks drop, you got problems![ Laughter ]
He’s gonna start trippin’.[ Laughter ]
Tasia: The fact is, I think, when you’re killing innocent people, whether it be in the black community, the white community, it’s wrong.
Daryl: It is wrong!
Tasia: If you’re talking about the issue of gun control and legislative laws and things like that —
Daryl: It’s the same thing people said about AIDS.
“Oh, that’s a gay disease.”
But once heterosexuals started catching it, “ah, it’s a problem.”
Bill: But you know what?
There was a lie there, too.
Because it never broke out into the heterosexual community like it was advertised to.
That was propaganda from lobbyists.
Daryl: It did so, it did so, come on, man.
Daryl: All those statistics a lie?
Bill: There was never any statistics that showed that AIDS broke out into the heterosexual community like it was supposed to, because certain political lobbies wanted it to.
No, it never happened.
So that was a lie like all politically correct lies, where they wanted what was supposed to be before the truth.
Adam: What are we talking about here?[ Laughter ]
How to get rid of the guns —[ Laughter and applause ]
Daryl: You’re making an analogy!
Adam: Right, but, Daryl, aren’t we addressing how to get rid of the gun culture?
Daryl: We don’t need to get rid of guns!
Bill: Hey, batman never had a gun.[ Laughter ]
Adam: You’re talking very self-destructively.
Daryl: When you outlaw guns, only outlaws will have guns.
Look, that’s how I feel.
Adam: There’s no way to get rid of the gun culture in this country with what’s going on.
Bill: What do you mean “there’s no way”?
Adam: There’s one way.[ Laughter ] [ Applause ]
You shoot the shooter.
Daryl: I’m with that.
I’m with that.
Adam: And I’m not talking about a few bird-hunting rifles or shotguns.
I’m talking about semiautomatics, automatic weapons that are used for what sport?
Is war a sport?
Daryl: No, it’s not, but a gun is a gun.
If you want to get rid of automatics, then, you need to get rid of the revolver.
Tasia: The problem with guns though, is, I think what she was talking about earlier, we’ve had guns around for years and years, but statistics will show, regardless of whether it’s in the white or the black community, crime rates are up in the second half of the 19th century.
Tasia: Yeah, and the fact of the matter is —
Bill: No, crime is down in this decade.
Tasia: No, from 1900 to now, it’s — the crime rate —
Bill: 1900, I don’t know about, I’m in the 21st century and —[ Laughter ]
Daryl: You read the newspaper in your area.
You got to read the newspaper all around.
All around, honey.
Tasia: I couldn’t be reading the newspapers the past 200 years.
Daryl: Read all around.
Tasia: If you look though, there has been, from 1900 —
Daryl: She’s got to read all the newspapers![ Laughter ]
You’re just reading what’s happening in your hood![ Laughter ]
Tasia: My point is —
Daryl: “Crime is up.[ Laughter ]
Somebody stole my mailbox.
Crime is up!”
Tasia: My point is, though, I think a lot of that is because it’s glamorized.[ Applause ]
Bill: Let’s take a commercial.
We’ll be back.
Announcer: Join us Monday, when our guests will be Penelope Ann Miller, Tony Hawk, Penn Jillette and Maggie Gallagher.[ Applause ]
Bill: All right.
Now — that’s only for former — you are so 20th!
Daryl: I’m with you, baby.
I’m feeling your vibe.
Bill: Speaking of people in the 20th century, remember Monica Lewinsky from the last century?
Adam: No.[ Laughter ]
Bill: As I said last time in the monologue, this poor girl cannot get away from controversy.
Adam: — Is the way we will remember Monica.
Bill: Larry King loves Monica.[ Laughter ]
She lost weight, and he divorced his wife — no.
But as you know, that’s what we all know now, Monica lost weight, she can fit into her old evidence.[ Laughter ] [ Applause ]
Majandra: I swear.
Bill: She did it by using Jenny Craig.[ Applause ]
How many have seen the ads for Jenny Craig?
Where Monica said, “you know, I tried this, I tried that.”[ Audience “ohs” ]
I don’t want to go into the diet she tried — liquid protein.
Anyway, so now a number of Jenny Craig franchises are not going to air her ad or use the poster.
They say, she is not a good role model, and they refuse to —
Adam: What’s the bottom line?
Majandra: All I have to say is, we can still take what Bill Clinton says seriously as a role model.[ Applause ]
Would you take what Monica Lewinsky says about losing weight?
Tasia: I don’t think there’s many people left in the country who look at Bill Clinton as a role model, except maybe for Bill.
Bill: Yeah, I do.
Adam: I appreciate your irony.
Daryl: I do.
Majandra: But we do have to take what he says seriously.
He’s still the president.
Then, she can be with Jenny Craig.
Tasia: The thing with Jenny Craig is, to me, it’s sort of seems like she’s like some sort of sports star getting like an endorsement deal or something.[ Speaking at once ]
Tasia: Isn’t that kind of a what she — it’s basically an endorsement deal.
And you have to sort of look at why is this woman famous?
Like what is her notoriety from?
Adam: They’re not looking at that.
You’re looking at the bottom line, Sir Daryl.
Daryl: What’s the bottom –?[ Laughter ]
Bill: “What is the bottom line,” young man?
Adam: The bottom line is, if she brings in the consumer, if they buy the product, how do you boycott fat?[ Laughter ]
Tasia: The problem is, though —
Daryl: All I got to say is, whoever did it was a marketing genius, because they knew they would get flack, and they just put it out there and pulled it back.
And everybody seen it.
Everybody’s seen it.
Majandra: She’s talking about losing weight.
It’s not like she’s out there preaching morals.
Then, that would be a bad example.
She lost weight.
Tasia: But don’t her advertisers —
Daryl: But she’s famous for having sex with somebody![ Speaking at once ] [ Laughter ] [ Speaking at once ]
Bill: Don’t our advertisers what?
Tasia: Don’t our advertisers have kind of a responsibility when they put somebody out there to represent their product?
Daryl: Let’s just leave her right here.
Tasia: No, seriously.[ Laughter ]
Bill: Put these on, you’ll feel much more calm, because, you know —[ Laughter ]
Majandra: — Whole crazy behavior.
Tasia: When you’re putting somebody out there to represent your product, I think that you’re in a — you’re condoning them as a person.[ Laughter ]
And you’re setting somebody out there as an example to follow.
Whether it be just to lose weight or whatever the case may be.
Daryl doesn’t agree with me.
Bill: Daryl, I think you’re —[ Laughter ]
Daryl: Baby, advertisers don’t care![ Laughter ]
Bill: Of all the — right.
Tasia: I think they should.
That’s what I’m arguing.
Daryl: They should?
Bill: Are you kidding?
Tasia: No, I’m not kidding.
Bill: Oh, man.
Advertisers are the most wonderful people in the world.
I got to take a break.
We’ll be right back.
Bill: The police are so corrupt.[ Laughter ]
Oh, here we are.
Monday, we have penelope Ann Miller, Tom Hanks?
No, Tony Hawk.
Oh, I had a heart attack there in my outfit.
Penn Jillette and Maggie Gallagher.
Okay, now, as far as Bill Clinton being a role model, let me just say this, Paula Jones got a nose job, Linda Tripp got a whole makeover.
Monica Lewinsky lost weight.
If not for Bill Clinton, all these girls would be fat and ugly still.
Good night![ Applause ]
Give us your 2 cents!
Mouse over and mouth off on the Politically Incorrect message board!
Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher
Douglas M. Wilson
Writing Supervised By
Douglas M. Wilson
Executive in Charge of Production
abc.com Go Network